Planet of the Grapes

Yahdderman brings the famous purple dinosaur, Barney, into the studio for a live interview. After speaking about some new projects, he’s joined on the phone by the Sun and the Moon. Obviously, Sir Isaac Newton then gets on the phone. After the Sun and Moon get off, Barney discusses the shady lawyer, Barabbas McQueesinought. Mr. Mcqueesinought had swindled Barney and the Chicken McNuggets into paying him for the guarantee to get a phone call through POTG Radio the last time Barney was on.

Sir Isaac Newton is asked about his appreciation and intense critiques of diners. This leads POTG Radio to get on the phone with the Roach God and the Lumberjack Chef, two personalities who own what is perhaps the worst diner in America. Part of their furniture includes Bettie Page’s corpse.

Gosh, a second-rate deity, calls to announce that unfortunately, the Roach God is going to Heck for the practices he has instituted at Jackson’s Diner. The segment ends with POTG Radio’s producer, Willow, accidentally letting his ranting father slip onto the audio feed.

Also in this episode is a call from Otto Krisbane, the inventor who developed Mecha-Godzilla. Ronald calls to gloat about his good relationship with his own robotic monster, Swedish Mecha-Godzilla. Bill Clinton weighs in after the 2009 inaugaration.

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1) “Mocha Suchness is reality…” this is what a caterpillar screamed (human whisper equivalent) at me as I fell into a trance…and all I could think was….”Starbucks takes itself wayyy too seriously.”

2) If time is of the essence, but time doesn’t exist, are fart jokes still funny after college?

3) Maybe one day, we can all be the children of Esophagus. Esophagus, of course, is a medieval clown who doesn’t age. Except with regard to his taste in women. Very lonely is he, for no earthly woman is 907 years old at press time. At least he has discovered that masturbating into a lute gives it a certain “healing tone.”

4) The fifth direction takes you right to the core of the earth. Its path ends in a concrete room with a grandmotherly caterpillar knitting (unrelated to the screaming caterpillar mentioned above). It’s not too hot. Oh, I meant the room…but I guess the caterpillar as well.

5) Frick and Frack are suing everyone for defamation of character. They hate how every time two idiots become friends, a (usually lame) third party will inevitably refer to them at some point as “Frick and Frack.” The real Frick and Frack were Swiss skaters who hated to be photographed near octopuss or anything that resembled octopuss. They have been brought back to life by an anonymous Bill Gates for his “Skating on Thin Ice” tour.

6) Gurgle John was the best crib maker if you didn’t count people over 3 years old. This was in the 1890s, so crib making was different. Usually, babies sleep in cribs. Gurgle John as as idea is experiencing a comeback in the Phillipines, even though he lived in Merry Olde England. Gurgle John t-shirts and sandwiches sell well in the Phillipines. The sandwiches have an image of his face stamped on the bread. Even though he lived to be ninety, he is only remembered for his work as a baby.

7) The first person who thought to say “cheese” when taking a picture died yesterday. He was 207 years old, if you count reincarnation. So, basically, a scorpion died yesterday.

PRESSED FOR TIME) There should be one day a year where humans switch genders in order to “know what it’s like.” Even if that doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’ll still always be Samoan in my mitochondria.

9) There’s a lot of emotion around cereal. Maybe because people associate it with childhood, and, you know, that’s when all the problems start.

“Cereal should not be classified as a food. It’s a state of mind.”

-something a stoned Val Kilmer might say

10) A world where everything The Weekly World News prints becomes true.

11) I’m trying to raise capital for a trendy new ‘net startup: “a Facebook for ants.” If the ants market doesn’t work, woodland creatures are a backup. So far, Kenny Rogers (my only potential investor) isn’t calling back. I guess yodeling lessons are that important to him. NO PUNCHLINE!

12) Failure to Thrive syndrome is what happens to babies when you don’t touch them (they die), /or/ what happens to a tuba after its owner is caught soliciting prostitutes outside of the Vatican. Either way, eagle-flavored ice cream will never exist.

It’s time to “re-crucify” myself,

Baron “The Lawless Neptune” von Stildegroat

Gosh, a second-rate deity, calls to announce that unfortunately, the Roach God is going to Heck for the practices he has instituted at Jackson’s Diner. The segment ends with POTG Radio’s producer, Willow, accidentally letting his ranting father slip onto the audio feed.

From the upcoming full episode, “Bad Science” (34:42-43:28)

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81st Street & Broadway

The age-old question of quality vs. quantity seems to answer itself when you gaze upon any well-known food establishment. A French bistro with a high Zagat’s rating will clearly be concerned with the quality of their presentation. In the case of McDonald’s, who pioneered the “drive-thru within a drive-thru” and added to Webster’s dictionary the term “Super Size,” quality is put on the back burner. While they boast to have sold over 100 trillion trillion hamburgers, anybody who stops to ponder what is in a McDonald’s hamburger gets a look of intestinal discomfort.

Before the economic crunch, when Wall Street denizens did most of their business on a hooker’s back rather than on their own knees, McDonald’s opened a new restaurant every four hours. This much was obvious given their cookie-cutter design and the complete lack of attention spent on the bathrooms. Here it is no different. The gray floor and white wall tiles did little to personify the vibrant logo and imagery of the establishment (though we know that Ronald McD has a lot of skeletons in his closet…and perhaps bathroom). A thin layer of grime covered everything from the ceiling to the toilet, and the full garbage can spilled litter all over the floor. Atop the can was a perilously placed baby diaper, perhaps a baby’s version of “tagging.” The toilet paper dispenser was despicably empty, a cheap shot at people who take too many napkins. Most functionality was intact: the toilet flushed, the soap dispensers spewed new foam soap, and the sink provided hot water…though most would rather take the foam soap and leave than touch the faucet handles. If you dared, a blow dryer would take care of those wet hands for you. And if you work here, a loose tile probably hides a compartment of acne cream to battle your life manning the deep fryer.

Rating: 4

Sir Isaac Newton is asked about his appreciation and intense critiques of diners. This leads POTG Radio to get on the phone with the Roach God and the Lumberjack Chef, two personalities who own what is perhaps the worst diner in America. Part of their furniture includes Bettie Page’s corpse.

From the upcoming full episode, “Bad Science” (24:30-34:39)

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Yahdderman brings the famous purple dinosaur, Barney, into the studio for a live interview. After speaking about some new projects, he’s joined on the phone by the Sun and the Moon. Obviously, Sir Isaac Newton then gets on the phone. After the Sun and Moon get off, Barney discusses the shady lawyer, Barabbas McQueesinought. Mr. Mcqueesinought had swindled Barney and the Chicken McNuggets into paying him for the guarantee to get a phone call through to POTG Radio.

From the upcoming full episode, “Bad Science” (5:02-24:16)

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.