Planet of the Grapes

Mr. Beethoven #BadBandNames

I’m the captain of a dinner plate. We’re going down.

Yahdderman celebrates scoring his chariot’s license and considers Cream Christ as a candidate to pull him around. Cream Christ chimes in immediately, but his first gripe is over a competing ice cream and pizza establishment. Turns out the offending Pizza Hovel is owned by Mario’s cousin, who turns this grudge into an all-out verbal melee.

Grimace reveals to the hosts the existence of an island where Grimace’s kin can frolic and go about their daily lives is relative peace… that is until Boy Man and Macho Man Randy Savage come knocking at their door. They claim that Grimace Island is prejudiced against them by denying citizenship.

Boy Man explains the secret ulterior motives to being a part of Grimaceland, which seems to include a hybrid army of Grimacelike toddlers. Ryan Seacrest decides this would make a great reality show, and Slim Goodbody and Richard Simmons offer opposing advice for Boy Man.

Slim Goodbody describes his new fetish for traveling the world’s most dangerous roads, which also doubles as a form of cheap, mentally unstable therapy.

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1) Please take a moment to evaluate your relationships. I don’t like you, and God isn’t too impressed either.

Where does that leave you? Somewhere between Worried Walrus’ summer house and truth.

2) There’s more to emoticons than meets the eye. Before you stop me,
ask yourself: why do you automatically assume you’re better than penguins?

3) Don’t be emotional. Just spread your legs and be the messiah.

4) “If you can imagine a universe, it exists.”
-Justin Bieber (is a scientist(in another universe(that Justin Bieber’s
grandmother(force-feeds her parrots(mentally), which is to say, she yells things at her parrots
(in her mind)))))

5) “Custodian” is such a better word than “janitor.” Still, using “custodian”
every chance you get won’t change the results of the Civil War. (don’t imagine
playing a flute made of scabs)!

6) Welcome to…Ughtopia! You will notice a pyramid on your right. It
is NOT where Kermit the Frog’s bones reside/I like peanuts. The trees
are made of leather, and the taxi cabs all take you to your favorite
childhood memory.

7) My dentistry skills were amazing, I was a prodigy apprenticing
under Yolence von Savoy in Vienna. The court rumors had me as the next
oral Beethoven. Now I am a ripe helmet inspector in India, with a minor
in hamburglaring. What happened?

greeeeeattttt) now I have to babysit pictures of the Muppet Babies for twelve hours and
the house I’m at only has basic cable. Cue: Suicide.

10) Maybe Powder

11) Electric beds were a bad idea. Just ask the kids of Bereavement, Incorporated.

The kid who looks like Andrew Jackson: what?

The kid who looks like Jimi Hendrix: did you mean electric blankets?

The kid who looks like you: I can teach you about Death.

12) Through not having a vision of Catholic icons, I have failed to
be considered for sainthood. To compensate, I will sponsor a field day
for young men considering the ways of the beast, meaning “centaur camp.”
I am not who you say I am.

The price of sin is being a wheelbarrow in the eternal harvest of delight,

Johans “The Reproductive Organ Donor” McJerusalem

Slim Goodbody describes his new fetish for traveling the world’s most dangerous roads, which also doubles as a form of cheap, mentally unstable therapy.

From the forthcoming full episode “Animals are There for a Reason”

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Boy Man explains the secret ulterior motives to being a part of Grimaceland, which seems to include a hybrid army of Grimacelike toddlers. Ryan Seacrest decides this would make a great reality show, and Slim Goodbody and Richard Simmons offer opposing advice for Boy Man.

From the upcoming full episode “Animals Are There for a Reason”

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

81st Street and Columbus Ave

On any construction site, you will encounter an outhouse and walk no closer than five feet in front of it before deciding instead to look for a Starbucks bathroom. Not us. We dive head first… not literally. This deluxe Mr. John outhouse presents itself in the same way a car dealership spreads out its luxury line for unsuspecting victims of carnivorous salesmen. We encountered this facility next to a circle of cones surrounding a cement block with a biscuit stuck in it. Peculiar, but we were near a museum…

Roomy enough for five people to have a forced discussion about wood paneling, the bathroom is (ironically) made out of plastic. The bright blue walls are translucent enough to let natural light in without letting natural shame out. The toilet area has a nice form and shape, and a handrail is available for handicapped people. A hand sanitizer dispenser lets you clean your hands without the need for water. Though we found some toilet paper and “misfirings” at the foot of the toilet, outhouses are not traditionally tended to on a regular basis (much like the emotional needs of wealthy children).

The bottom line? You can dress it up, but you can’t take it out. The form and function still doesn’t make up for the fact that an outhouse is an outhouse, and if you live in New York City you will most likely hold it in until you get to the next facility, which still might be worse than this one anyway. But there is no denying this is a better outhouse than most. Thank you, Mr. John. You have helped bridge the gap between outhouse and proper restroom.

Rating: 5