Planet of the Grapes

1) I’ve been a bath boy. I thevelopeth a lisp over the letter “D”. I can only type it when it’s totally alone. Isn’t that weirth? Also, Johnny Weir is going to menstruate for all womankinth.

2) This candle, made out of the earwax of Louis the Fourteenth (NOT to be confused with Louis XIV), has ben preserved for ages using a complex system of heat, light, moisture and jokulitude. It actually became the barometer of what was funny in the years following the French Revolution. (eg., royalty, mustard, being able to understand the laws of physics).

3) Cry me a saucer. I’ve been to the center of Cote D’Ivoire twicely.

4) The presents, they are under the tree. This year for Christmas, the tree is a small lemon tree and the presents are theoretically still the property of Toys ‘R’ Us. Geoffrey the Giraffe is paying through the nose in child support.

5) Don’t talk… just go.

6) The Edison Brothers (Better known as “The Mounties” to die-hard WWF fans {NOT WWE fans, you guys fear male contact without secretly desiring it [see also "lame"]} welshingtude). Getting back to the story, the Edison Brothers went to school with Kevin Bacon’s current accountant, who is married to a collection of seaweed draped over a rock on Venice Beach.

7) He that bate the hand must have a head in the poles. The North Pole is especially tender this time of year.

Six Degrees of Organism Seperation) never went over well at parties. Neither did “Find Europe.”

9) Go (ld) fish, now I can finally develop a cyst that won’t cramp my style.

Fish: There are no wolves in the Arctic Ocean!
Vincent Price died. He wants his life back.

10) Chinawomen

11) I’m not afraid of leaves anymore. Therapy helps. But not in the way that it helps me get over my fear of leaves. It’s just that the therapy itself is so horror-inducing that every other worry in the world seems trivial. Hell, I’d jump off a cliff or kill a bear with the back of my knees before lying on that couch again.

12) I think we’ve all failed to continue the tradition of STUN. Also, I failed to really develop the character of the skeleton that shouts “TWELVE!!” I’m….. sorry?

Clearly he said,
Buy Nike

40 Lincoln Center Plaza

(located west of Broadway and Columbus Avenue from W. 62nd to W. 65th Street)

Having visited the grand performance halls of Lincoln Center and evaluated their loos, we decided to check in with the library that shares its home with these great stages, stages where we will inevitably present readings of our bathroom reviews one day.

The theater of course is a corner of the world rife with superstition, and evidently the designer of this bathroom did not escape the madness. Clearly, said designer believed in in the unifying power of the number four: the elements, the seasons, the corners of a square…and the numbers of sinks, stalls, (and urinals for the men) in the bathrooms at the NY Performing Arts Library. However, the old theater saying of “break a leg” was not taken all that seriously, as no handicapped person is getting in here. There are stairs that must be climbed to attain relief. The NYPAL must be one of the worst places for the handicapped to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon reading Othello.

Inside the restrooms, things are kept simple. With white walls and grey floor tiles, they test our patience for tired and uninspired restroom designs, but fortunately a decent amount of order and cleanliness holds it all together. Perhaps if this bathroom were an actor, it would consider itself an “empty vessel,” ready to become whatever you want it to (contrast this to the stately diva that is the NYC London Hotel). A telltale sign of the order instilled here is a button on a wall that reads “Checkpoint 37.” Being the curious young gents that we are, we pressed it, only to be told by a grouchy guard that we had now volunteered ourselves to go around to all of the other bathrooms at Lincoln Center and make sure we checked them. The guard was not too thrilled to hear our delighted reply that we had already done so, and to please refer himself to planetofthegrapes.com…

Rating: 6

Trojan Whores #BadBandName

Suggested Lobotomy  #BadBandNames

Grime Factor  #BadBandNames

Citrus Extension #BadBandNames