Planet of the Grapes

33 East 17th Street

And here we find ourselves at another Barnes and Noble, at what can be called one of the centers of Manhattan (or the furthest uptown that hipsters will venture), Union Square. There are facilities on both the second and third floors, although they are so similar that two separate reviews are unnecessary. Essentially, they are the same, but you’d be wise to note one fact: most of the characters from Union Square Park, desiring the shortest distance between Point A and Point B, use the second floor bathroom. And by characters we don’t mean “funny haha” (Groucho Marx and anyone whose picture is on the wall at Sardi’s). We mean “funny get the fuck away from me” (the Unabomber and anyone whose picture is on the wall at the FBI headquarters). Now, perhaps you seek out said characters and desire to engage in conversation with them in a public restroom; that’s fine. We’re just providing information, do with it what you will.

These bathrooms cover their walls with white tiles and one strip of green tiling, keeping with the Barnes and Noble colors: white for the purity of an open and seeking mind, green for the color of money. The floor tiles are grey, beige, and dirty (a color never found in the Crayola palette, but all too often found in our reviewing). The metallic paper dispenser provides a crisp and modern touch, the prettiest girl in an otherwise dingy brothel. The mirrors are modest and offer no adornments, the trash is just a tall pail left out. Pretty much everything here is purely functional and the lowest common denominator in terms of basic necessity, a veritable Plain Jane with a little dirt under the fingernails. Perhaps that’s what Barnes and Noble thinks of its clientele.

Rating: 4.5