Planet of the Grapes

59th Street and 3rd Avenue

Being that Home Depot has become the mecca for people who like to build their own homes with their bare hands, we were expecting to find a glorified port-a-potty when we went searching for the restroom in their midtown Manhattan location. Instead, we found the bathroom equivalent of a surreal blind date: not only was the person very attractive, you actually had sex at the end of it. No, that does not mean we had sex with strangers in this bathroom (were you at school the day they went over metaphors?), it just means that our expectations were thoroughly surpassed, to our utter surprise.

Not only was this bathroom clean and well-kept, time and thought obviously went into creating a mood and atmosphere. Fake potted plants greet you in the entryway and adorn the sinks, and a deep brown wooden bench sits against the opposite wall. We could already hear the people in the suburbs snickering at us New Yorkers for having such amenities in a Home Depot bathroom: “Oh, please, that’s not a real Home Depot! It looks like that guy from the Home and Garden Network designed the bathroom.” But it gets better/worse. There are framed prints of leaves with some sort of explanation about the leaf and its family in Latin. Also, someone wrote “Marcus’ daughter will give you a good blow” in Latin on one of them; we guess that’s what you’ll get in New York, especially in a neighborhood near good private schools. In addition to the mirror above the sink, there is a gold (we’re guessing fake) plated mirror on another wall, as if the designers at this point are just saying “F. you” to all the other retail store bathrooms in the area. During our brief stay here, an employee came in to clean up, even though it wasn’t dirty. We got the impression this happens regularly. The light brown painted walls complemented the rustic light brown floor tiling. And for the coup de grace: there under the soap dispensers are little bowls to catch the excess soap that may drip after you pull your hand away. Are they kidding? Obviously not. Perhaps we should have known better.

Rating: 7.5