Planet of the Grapes

34th Street & Broadway

We had to, of course, save Macy’s for December. It’s the only department store the real Santa actually visits (at least that’s what we were told when kids—hiring a guy with a real beard goes far. Hiring a guy with real prison experience doesn’t). This entry features the facilities in the basement, often called the “cellar” in order to soften the blow. Whatever you call it, this underground level doles out full servings of overpriced food and consumerism at its best, or worst, depending on which side of the cash register you’re on.

The sinks here are band-aid colored; we didn’t know whether or not to be alarmed by that…turns out they complemented the beige marble walls quite nicely. The baby-changing station, on the other hand, did not inspire confidence; we wouldn’t trust putting a doll on it. There was, however, a well-lit sink next to it, a nice touch that earned some points. The flooring here definitely exhibited some dirt, though we must say in their defense that the color of the floor tiles is light and that Macy’s of course is a high traffic location (insert joke about young dumb female “celebrity’s” bathroom here). Even in such locations we welcome a little exposed dirt if it means the color of the floor tiles is not that ugly and depressing grey used in so many bathrooms. Whoever designed this place, though, still should have anticipated the traffic and chose another color, and/or the staff should see that it’s attended to more often. Or maybe Santa has his own private bathroom and they don’t worry as much about everyone else the rest of the year. The doors on the stalls are cabana-style, providing privacy as well as ventilation, like dark linen pants. The bathroom overall is functional but still has that unfortunate factor we call dinginess. Maybe it just goes with getting used so much (insert…).

Rating: 5.5