83rd Street and 5th Avenue

The Metropolitan Museum of Art is the cornerstone of New York City art museums and home to one of America’s finest collections. The building sports a classical facade: tall columns, broad friezes and a general majesty to make you feel insignificant, but in that romantic way, unlike the glass phalluses of this age that bear the title “modern architecture.” Of course, traveling around the back one would see up the skirt of the Met and notice its more contemporary posterior. Even the Met is not above a little nip and tuck. Although it’s not free to enter, admission is based on suggested donation, so if you really need a bathroom here you needn’t worry about being strapped for cash.

The sheer size of this museum requires several facilities. Perhaps they should add lodging as one could spend days perusing over this massive collection. Our first stop in a five-part series is the Egyptian wing. Coming on the heels of the Pharaoh’s Landing review, we felt it more than appropriate to see how a real Pharaoh lived and relieved. We didn’t find much in living. Most of the collection came from the great Egyptian tombs. However, if you make a left at the tomb entrance and pass the sarcophagi, you’ll find yourself at the restroom.

These facilities are certainly not fit for a God-king. The entire room is covered in small gray tiles topped with a fine glaze of grime. The floor is checkerboarded for a little variety, perhaps for a compelling game of Ritalin Checkers. Like the bat droppings that killed many tomb excavators, the ergonomic black soap dispenser emits a toxic odor that beckons you to leave this place immediately; the mysterious smell is either coming from that or the tombs that share a wall with this bathroom. There are a few redeeming qualities however: the sinks are hands-free and there is a full-length mirror, a rare sight in a public restroom. An emergency phone hangs by the door in case the mummies ever really came back to life without paying the donation fee. The corpse housed in this tomb was a broken toilet, embalmed in toilet water and toilet paper like the kings of old. We paid our respects and moved on.

Rating: 5

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