Planet of the Grapes

50th Street and 5th Avenue

Moving ever onward, we arrived at the world famous Saks 5th Avenue. Finding the restroom required an elevator ride, always a good sign in such an environ; it precludes the Old Navy riff-raff from thinking they can quickly pop in and relieve themselves (usually on the floors) without getting glared out of the place. These are the same people who allow themselves to be sprayed with every perfume as they walk the ground floor’s make-up section and yet never buy a single bottle!

Anyway, these restrooms are loosely based on upscale cabanas, which may register a bit strangely during the New York winters but feel just right during the New York summers. The men’s room is mostly white, the women’s peach. The stalls are full and boast cabana-style doors, providing good air flow while maintaining privacy. The walls stand confidently while not taking themselves too seriously; dare we say, these are the George Clooney of walls. We find this thanks to the painted-over brick they are made of, the full length mirror, and the context they find themselves in considering the other factors at play in the restroom. Besides the aforementioned cabana-stalls, the men’s room houses an avant-garde chandelier reminiscent of both twisted white ceramic antlers and a menorah after a Hanukkah family feud. The sink is deep and rectangular, trough-like; we didn’t know whether or not to take offense at this. All in all, it’s a functional bathroom with a few twists.

Rating: 7

50th Street between 5th and 6th

Yes, for you out-of-towners, Rockefeller Center is high on the NYC to-do list. It’s where the big tree resides in its Yuletide splendor, where ice skaters find wintry recreation, and where NBC’s office building and studios at 30 Rockefeller Center, with the renowned Rainbow Room Restaurant located all the way up top, presides over this public square year-round. Perhaps if we had gone up to the Rainbow Room on this day, with its $50 cheeseburgers, we would have been met with a fine restroom experience; alas, we serve the practical folk, the sophisticated pedestrian who will only pay $35 for a cheeseburger.

However, even if you have just eaten eighteen sliders from the White Castle, we suggest you relieve yourself elsewhere. We weren’t expecting luxury, sure, but the mirror made you look uglier and the sink was a mess. In the men’s room the urinals looked like they were forced to be there. The walkway between sinks and urinals/stalls was very narrow, making an awkward bump all too easy. The floor plan reveals an odd horseshoe shape, like a squared-out “U.” We’re sure that the farthest portion of this restroom is therefore very tempting for certain late-night activities, and thus were relieved to find that the restrooms close down at night. The harsh lighting communicated that the designers only wanted the cheapest possible materials, though at least a good number of stalls/urinals keep the traffic flowing. Crowded, cramped, unsightly, it was to fine restrooms what trailer homes are to mansions. No reason to stay.

Rating: 4

56th Street and 6th Avenue

The truly benevolent ruler always points out the merits of his aides before executing them. Thus, we must note that Starbucks is great about letting one use the bathroom even if not a paying customer, as the employees are usually, to their credit, lax about this. Maybe they aren’t allowed to drink on the job. Thus, the high traffic these “oner” restrooms get and their convenience must frame the context by which they are judged. At the above location, the bathroom ranks above average for Starbucks. We found them trying very hard to match the restroom to the decor of the rest of the store, with a modern-looking orange light and an orange border on the wall tiling. The sink was promising but besides the orange trim, the tiles were depressing and the baby changing station had graffiti on it; children can be so cruel.

It’s also a little smaller than some of the other Starbucks facilities, which isn’t a bad thing. Frankly, the negative space in many of the other locations is a little jarring, making the user feel alone and unattached, half expecting to find that 1,000 years have passed upon exiting, realizing that the restroom was really some kind of space capsule and that the planet has become overruled by humanoid simians (ahem). While this is, after all, a public restroom and thus does not earn the adjective “cozy,” its sensible size is at least somewhat comforting.

Rating: 5

31st-33rd Streets, between 7th and 8th Avenues

Compared to the East Side’s Grand Central Station, Penn Station is purely functional, with none of the grandiosity or artistry of Grand Central’s main lobby. We thought the scouting reports we’d heard regarding Penn Station’s restroom, accessed on the 8th Avenue side, were purely fictional. Could it really be that bad? Actually, as a charitable endeavor, it’s quite noble: a laundromat and showering facility for the homeless.

Penn Station’s restroom housed one of the strangest sinks we’ve ever seen: a large basin with a fixture atop it, with one faucet coming out of the front of the fixture, and two more on each side. There were several of these fixtures lining the mirrored wall, allowing many people to wash their hands (or clothes, as we witnessed) at once. The sinks were grey and ugly, vaguely reminiscent of gargoyles, but their functionality was a plus.

Unfortunately, that’s the only thing the bathroom had going for it. The floor was so dirty that if you squinted hard enough, you could actually see bacteria asexually reproducing. In the men’s room hair and empty sugar packets were all over the urinals…the mind reels as to what was going on/in earlier.

Rating: 2.5

55th Street and 2nd Avenue

The Manhattan Arts and Antiques Center, much like it sounds, consists of numerous showrooms where vendors sell things to the wealthy, such as brass elephant statues, Ming Dynasty door mats, and perhaps even Chaucer’s thigh bracelets. It is a center in that many vendors rent small store spaces and sell their wares, right next to each other in rows. The restrooms are in the center of the downstairs hallway lined with said shops. Considering its central location and the surroundings, we entered the restroom with high hopes. Would we finally happen upon mahogany stall doors, one of the holy grails of restroom assessment? Or at least perhaps be greeted by a four foot tall Buddha made of some precious material, sitting contentedly in the corner in lieu of a bathroom attendant?

We would not. However, we did find a respectable bathroom. Upon first entering, one word comes to mind: cream. While that word may have a negative connotation in many restrooms (see: Penn Station) we refer here simply to the color scheme, thank you. Smooth marble floors, cloth wallpaper, and grained marble sinks make the choice of light beige for the stall color, normally an uninspired decision, fit in perfectly to create a clean and crisp neutral palette. The peculiar toilet bowels here are more round than the typical oval, which certainly provides an interesting variation, however the men’s room loses points for not having dividers between the urinals (which also boast an interesting shape due to the exaggerated jut-out “jaw”). An unsightly paper sign regarding towel politics also detracted from an otherwise pleasant experience.

Rating: 6.5

50th Street and Park Avenue

This world-famous old money hotel boasts that every U.S. President has stayed there since it opened its doors. These presidents probably found relief in their suites’ facilities exclusively, but it can be almost guaranteed that secret service men, junior speechwriters, and clandestine lovers have all used the publicly accessible restrooms in the lobby. The hotel of course bears the name of one of the most famous New York families, the Astors. In fact, the Queens neighborhood Astoria was so named after John Jacob Astor invested $500 in it. By those standards, please be prepared to start calling the Empire State Building “Planet of the Grapes Tower.”

Fortunately, the restroom is up to par with the Waldorf’s standard of excellence. It has a crisp, clean look, perfect sink-to-mirror height, and beautiful lighting. It is not without its flaws, though. The promise of the walls is not kept when one’s gaze moves downward and sees the dull grey floor. Harry, the men’s room attendant, was standing outside when we entered, and unfortunately stayed there. It is probable he did not know who We were. The addition of a private handicap restroom outside the entrance of the main restroom conveys the true class of this place.

Rating: 8.5

51st Street and Lexington Avenue

Perhaps mocking its blue-blooded neighbor, the Hotel W takes only the first letter of the Waldorf Astoria and uses it as its full name. As if that’s not bad enough, a publicist who no doubt watched too much Sex in the City had recently invited us to a party there and had referred to it only as “du.” Apparently, brevity is in. Of course we declined, but after hearing it come up a few more times in all the “right places,” we finally agreed that its restroom couldn’t be ignored. After walking through the bar area and being “seen” a bit, we arrived at our destination.

The clash of ideals between this noveau-riche palace and its stodgy rival, the Waldorf, is all-too evident in the stories told by their respective lavatories. We tried our best to put biases aside and let the restrooms do the talking, and arrived at a difficult, controversial scenario: the tie. With its soft music, low lighting, stone sinks, closet-esque stalls with translucent windows on top, and faucets built into the mirrored wall, this restroom is very different from the bright lights and marble of the Waldorf, though it makes its case just the same. The presence of the thick disposable towels we all love and an attendant would have put it over the top.

Rating: 8.5

42nd Street and Fifth Avenue behind the New York Public Library

The Bryant Park restroom and its neighbor in the NY Public Library’s main building unfolds before us as a veritable David and Goliath story. The restroom, contained in a small house on the grounds of the park, is accessible by the street, so there is an automatic, subconscious lowering of expectations upon entering. However, this little restroom quickly asserts itself as a contender, and it does so thanks in large part to the park staff who maintains it, so we tip our hats to them.

Bryant Park used to be a seedy affair, and its re-birth is reflected in the bright shining light of its crown jewel, the restroom. Dark wood is used for the stall doors, and in the men’s room, the urinal dividers. Flowers adorn the sinks, which are well maintained and clean. The lights are bright, especially important for an outdoor facility. Clearly, these are all the stones in little David’s pocket. The space is cramped and the women’s room often has lines, but those concerns must to some degree be offset by considerations of location and convenience. Who is Bryant, and how can we thank him?

Rating: 7.5

1514 Broadway & 44th St

Amidst the tourist insanity of Times Square (it was nice to feel like we were outside of New York for a few moments) sits Toys “R” Us, a nightclub for children. We of course knew what we were getting into so forgave the noise, obstacle course of kids, and epileptic fit-inducing visuals. Though hard to get to, the bathroom made the escalator trip worth it. Somehow it combines the playfulness of childhood with a touch of the avant-garde, much the same way Michael Jackson’s fans now view him.

We were clued into this immediately, as an unusual display of many small round mirrors greeted us as we entered. We’d heard that removing one of them leads to a secret chamber where Barney and Big Bird store all of their money, but cannot confirm this rumor. The L-shaped sink in this bathroom provided cleanliness and sensibility, a monument to form and function. The color scheme of deep blue and green provides something for both adults and children, like a well-written cartoon which cleverly delivers the occasional dirty joke that sails right over the youngsters’ heads.

Rating: 7

1535 Broadway between 45th & 46th St

The Marriott Marquis is the premier spot to kill time in Times Square between appointments. It’s 7th floor lobby is accessed by a quick ride up the external elevators, which is a treat for children and heart patients alike. Upon perusing the different lounges and dining areas on that level, we were greeted by a joyously garish display of over-sized lights, couches, and offbeat color schemes that looked like the thesis project of the most excitable student in an interior design program. Still, somehow, it works on a strange level.

The restrooms were indeed more conservative, with the green diamond pattern on the marble walls giving what can only be called a “classical nouveau” feel. The vertical vanity lights adorning the sink mirrors recall the backstage of a Broadway theater (appropriate for the location). The floor boasts a diagonal marble tiling. Clearly, two different people drew straws to design the lobby’s lounges and the restrooms, but we’re not complaining.

Rating: 7