Planet of the Grapes

He took his name as a “negative homage” to POTG Radio host Deeze Beans. A short, decrepit-looking, troll-like man, he designed the bomb that blew 2/3 of Chile around the world onto Libya. POTG Radio hears from him the least often of their rivals, but when they do, he’s usually yelling. He is also the father of numerous grotesque crustaceans.

The resident qualified psychologist (unlike hacks Mole Man and JC), he has the requisite clinic in Switzerland, vaguely Germanic accent, and excellent water pressure in his shower. His left boot is possessed by Keith Richards and his right boot is possessed by Michael Bolton. They enjoy interrupting him.

New York’s own East River calls POTG Radio with his filthy mouth, loving to crack off-color jokes. He also details who has thrown what in him.

This military man loves being “intense” and waging battles for any reason, so don’t touch his yogurt. He commands a group of “men,” but no one is sure where they come from or if Gen. Gyro in fact heads any legitimate army. His wife is just as strong and loud as he is, and they wrestle bears as foreplay before fight-fucking. Love is beautiful.

The perpetually underachieving younger brother of Grimace, Gimnael is larger, but his skin is white and shriveled from a life on the road; he heads a motorcycle gang. He hates harlequins, after flying harlequins from a traveling circus attacked and had a “war” with his gang in the Canadian plains. Gimnael, in the end, just wants to be loved.

Of all the former Muppet Babies, it seemed that Gonzo has fared the worst. Harboring anger at both Nanny and the other Muppets for abandoning him, Gonzo continued a show business career into adulthood but does nothing to hide his bitterness when he calls POTG Radio. Also known as “The Dark Shakespeare,” He is famous for “The Gonzo Rhyme Scheme” where he occasionally adds an unrelated word to the end of his sentence just because it rhymes with the last word he said. Example: “You better get it out…TROUT!”

A twelve foot tall, repugnant gorilla surrounded by flies and covered in Vaseline, he is one of the most feared wrestlers in Lipton LaMask’s wrestling circuit. His finishing move?: He consoles your head on his chest as if he’s comforting you, then pounds your skull between his fists and his exceptionally hard pectoral muscles.

Grimace has a very long lifespan. He got out of the old lifestyle, which included highway orgies and waking up in churches without knowing how he got there (this was in the ’60s and ’70s), and now is fierce rivals with Ronald. He is consequently now good friends with POTG Radio, and always provides wisdom and rationality on the show. He was to assume a leadership position in Yugoslavia before the Bosnian war, but now commands an independent battleship that sails around the world. Still a partier, there are often Hawaiian Tropics girls on his ship. He exclusively revealed to POTG Radio that he is in fact a large plum.

Mole Man’s rival in both pop psychology and politics, JC has a show called “Heal or No Heal” and a fledgling website of the same name. He is the opposing candidate for “Ruler of United Scandinavia.” To win, one must receive 100% of the vote for one day. It’s been a long race.

This New York-based billionaire has slippers with snakes’ heads on the toes…and the snakes are still alive. One of his many businesses is an elite underground wrestling circuit, where your net worth must equal “33% of 33% of the national debt” just to attend. It is based primarily in remote parts of Asia and the Middle East. His shaved head and face mask are his signature…which makes it hard to sign credit cards (who’s writing this shit?)