Planet of the Grapes

POTG Radio hears from Mole Man, who is running for “Ruler of United Scandinavia,” a contest with strange rules. He announces he is dating CJ, the mother of his opponent, JC Superstar. In 2006, CJ “fell on” the British crown jewels while attempting to steal them, which set in motion a process that turned her into royalty. Gonzo also calls to have it out with Mole Man.

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With Mole Man and JC Superstar both campaigning to be elected “Ruler of United Scandinavia,” they turn to two famous ice cream makers for support. The first is the cold-hearted Cream Christ, the second is Rodney the Caped Ice Cream Man.

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Ernie calls from the secret hospital where he is being kept against his will; he has not, in fact, died of cancer. He has no idea where the hospital is located and fears that for the upcoming event known as the “Airing of Correctances,” he will make the worst mashed potatoes (as judged by Snuffleupagus), and thus be crucified. Two rock musicians call to offer help, as well as David the Gnome.

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Whale Man, a hermaphroditic whale who used to be married to porn producer Jermaine Jermolst, calls POTG Radio. S/he is attempting to go to the other extreme by becoming a moral crusader, though a call from her son, ex-Nickelodeon host Donnie Jeffcoat, reveals s/he’s probably yearning for a lover more than missing family.

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Whale Man can change genders, and so can caller Louis Louise, a new kind of drag racer. That’s why Louis calls to feel out what a little romance between the two may be like. You’ll also hear from Roy Guilt, a man who literally carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.

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Skeeter of the Muppets calls to out her brother, Scooter, who has reverted to his old irresponsible lifestyle. The Jamaican soul that Scooter claims possessed him then calls to give his side, and somehow Wayne Brady also makes an appearance.

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Arnold from “Different Strokes” and Webster claim they’re immortal brothers and bicker over who is the bigger POTG Radio fan.

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Twin pagan gods This and Thus call to promote “Truth: The Board Game,” defying logic along the way, talking in disarmingly calm voices, and generally mocking humanity.

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Mario and Luigi speak of how Luigi is being set-up with criminal charges. Apparently, what started in Vegas may not always stay in Vegas.

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Jermaine Jermolst, a porn director formerly married to a hermaphroditic whale, calls to promote his new male porn star. The call was prompted by UB’s previous discussion of the pistol shrimp; the porn star goes by that same name, Pistol Shrimp, and offers his unique version of peace for England and Ireland.

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