Planet of the Grapes

Also known as “The Simmons du Richarde,” he is the health guru who checks in with POTG Radio, along with Slim Goodbody. He and Slim grew up poor together in Romania and have a bond. His “Scarf Workout” involves exercising nude with a fiber rich scarf around your neck to work up a sweat, then eating the scarf.

Also known as “The Simmons du Richarde,” he is the health guru who checks in with POTG Radio, along with Slim Goodbody. He and Slim grew up poor together in Romania and have a bond. His “Scarf Workout” involves exercising nude with a fiber rich scarf around your neck to work up a sweat, then eating the scarf.

When the millennium hit, this former henchman for Ronald decided to change the subjects of his burglarizing from hamburgers to quail. He enjoys stealing quail in Norway especially, as well as conducting “ski wars”: putting gun powder on clowns, thus making them explosive, and then throwing them at friends as they ski down the Alps. He has a limited capacity for loyalty and metaphor.

Though a cow, he is actually male, and a star Brazilian soccer player. His many udders produce many things, such as perfect SAT scores, diet tips, and, conveniently, bicycle kicks.

When POTG Radio was off the air in the early 2000s, Newton Folds bought the domain name and tried to keep the radio show alive with a bad walkman and some cassette tapes. He may or may not have Jessica Simpson stapled to his wall, but definitely has “posters of the cosmos.” He had started his own show, “Newton Folds Radio,” which promptly folded. Now he simply offers a service where he alerts people when POTG Radio is talking about them.

“I’m a mole…man!” is about as witty as he gets. He loves giving advice and is running for a seat as “Ruler of United Scandinavia.” When Fozzy the Bear was on the show, he claimed to be Mole Man, but was actually suffering from multiple personality disorder…please don’t call it schizophrenia, that’s not accurate.

This New York-based billionaire has slippers with snakes’ heads on the toes…and the snakes are still alive. One of his many businesses is an elite underground wrestling circuit, where your net worth must equal “33% of 33% of the national debt” just to attend. It is based primarily in remote parts of Asia and the Middle East. His shaved head and face mask are his signature…which makes it hard to sign credit cards (who’s writing this shit?)

Mole Man’s rival in both pop psychology and politics, JC has a show called “Heal or No Heal” and a fledgling website of the same name. He is the opposing candidate for “Ruler of United Scandinavia.” To win, one must receive 100% of the vote for one day. It’s been a long race.

Grimace has a very long lifespan. He got out of the old lifestyle, which included highway orgies and waking up in churches without knowing how he got there (this was in the ’60s and ’70s), and now is fierce rivals with Ronald. He is consequently now good friends with POTG Radio, and always provides wisdom and rationality on the show. He was to assume a leadership position in Yugoslavia before the Bosnian war, but now commands an independent battleship that sails around the world. Still a partier, there are often Hawaiian Tropics girls on his ship. He exclusively revealed to POTG Radio that he is in fact a large plum.

A twelve foot tall, repugnant gorilla surrounded by flies and covered in Vaseline, he is one of the most feared wrestlers in Lipton LaMask’s wrestling circuit. His finishing move?: He consoles your head on his chest as if he’s comforting you, then pounds your skull between his fists and his exceptionally hard pectoral muscles.