Planet of the Grapes

The perpetually underachieving younger brother of Grimace, Gimnael is larger, but his skin is white and shriveled from a life on the road; he heads a motorcycle gang. He hates harlequins, after flying harlequins from a traveling circus attacked and had a “war” with his gang in the Canadian plains. Gimnael, in the end, just wants to be loved.

This military man loves being “intense” and waging battles for any reason, so don’t touch his yogurt. He commands a group of “men,” but no one is sure where they come from or if Gen. Gyro in fact heads any legitimate army. His wife is just as strong and loud as he is, and they wrestle bears as foreplay before fight-fucking. Love is beautiful.

The resident qualified psychologist (unlike hacks Mole Man and JC), he has the requisite clinic in Switzerland, vaguely Germanic accent, and excellent water pressure in his shower. His left boot is possessed by Keith Richards and his right boot is possessed by Michael Bolton. They enjoy interrupting him.

He took his name as a “negative homage” to POTG Radio host Deeze Beans. A short, decrepit-looking, troll-like man, he designed the bomb that blew 2/3 of Chile around the world onto Libya. POTG Radio hears from him the least often of their rivals, but when they do, he’s usually yelling. He is also the father of numerous grotesque crustaceans.

JC Superstar’s mother, she tried to steal the Crown Jewels of England. She “fell on them” and they got lodged in her heart. The result is that she survived but became royal because of their power. She now believes she is something between British royalty and a Southern plantation owner’s daughter. Either way, she’s difficult to date.

With his shrill voice, helmet made of teeth, and equal loves of cheese and indiscriminate sexual encounters (sometimes both at the same time), Birdman is a colorful character even among POTG Radio callers and guests. He is a six foot tall, upright walking, humanoid bird who wants to fly to the sun but never makes it past the atmosphere. A perpetual thorn in POTG Radio’s side, he is always trying to one-up the POTG Radio hosts.

Another of Birdman’s creations, Birdbunch is a hideously deformed bundle of conjoined septuplets that share between them few brains and fewer mouths.

Birdbest is one of Birdman’s illegitimate children, a black bird that makes a living giving eulogies for people he doesn’t know. Like his father, he has led a colorful and eventful life, and he loves giving his own opinion.

A friend for many years, Bill lets his guard down on POTG Radio: He speaks in his real voice (high-pitched), and shares ludicrous ideas like negative money.

The only other caller and guest who rivals the Gyros in loudness and intensity, this deep and tortured soul somehow brings people back from the dead for POTG Radio to interview. He is looking for a nice Jewish girl.