"Atomic Peanut Butter Face"

2) If time is of the essence, but time doesn’t exist, are fart jokes still funny after college?

3) Maybe one day, we can all be the children of Esophagus. Esophagus, of course, is a medieval clown who doesn’t age. Except with regard to his taste in women. Very lonely is he, for no earthly woman is 907 years old at press time. At least he has discovered that masturbating into a lute gives it a certain “healing tone.”

4) The fifth direction takes you right to the core of the earth. Its path ends in a concrete room with a grandmotherly caterpillar knitting (unrelated to the screaming caterpillar mentioned above). It’s not too hot. Oh, I meant the room…but I guess the caterpillar as well.

5) Frick and Frack are suing everyone for defamation of character. They hate how every time two idiots become friends, a (usually lame) third party will inevitably refer to them at some point as “Frick and Frack.” The real Frick and Frack were Swiss skaters who hated to be photographed near octopuss or anything that resembled octopuss. They have been brought back to life by an anonymous Bill Gates for his “Skating on Thin Ice” tour.

6) Gurgle John was the best crib maker if you didn’t count people over 3 years old. This was in the 1890s, so crib making was different. Usually, babies sleep in cribs. Gurgle John as as idea is experiencing a comeback in the Phillipines, even though he lived in Merry Olde England. Gurgle John t-shirts and sandwiches sell well in the Phillipines. The sandwiches have an image of his face stamped on the bread. Even though he lived to be ninety, he is only remembered for his work as a baby.

7) The first person who thought to say “cheese” when taking a picture died yesterday. He was 207 years old, if you count reincarnation. So, basically, a scorpion died yesterday.

PRESSED FOR TIME) There should be one day a year where humans switch genders in order to “know what it’s like.” Even if that doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’ll still always be Samoan in my mitochondria.

9) There’s a lot of emotion around cereal. Maybe because people associate it with childhood, and, you know, that’s when all the problems start.

“Cereal should not be classified as a food. It’s a state of mind.”

-something a stoned Val Kilmer might say

10) A world where everything The Weekly World News prints becomes true.

11) I’m trying to raise capital for a trendy new ‘net startup: “a Facebook for ants.” If the ants market doesn’t work, woodland creatures are a backup. So far, Kenny Rogers (my only potential investor) isn’t calling back. I guess yodeling lessons are that important to him. NO PUNCHLINE!

12) Failure to Thrive syndrome is what happens to babies when you don’t touch them (they die), /or/ what happens to a tuba after its owner is caught soliciting prostitutes outside of the Vatican. Either way, eagle-flavored ice cream will never exist.

It’s time to “re-crucify” myself,

Baron “The Lawless Neptune” von Stildegroat

"Curling Iron Face"

"Harbored Sand Face"

"Beveled Monotony Face"

2) Please don’t blush. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Well, actually, I am Robinson Crusoe. Actually, I do not know who that is..  in fact, the only thing I’m good at is faking my way through a good education. Let’s go watch Splash.

3) You’ve never been to a Yentzo tournament? Sit down and let me explain/plode. Yentzo began in the Middle Ages. Are you familiar with jousting? Excellent. It’s like that, but a) replace the horses with polar bears b) replace the knights with child television stars c) replace armor with powder d) replace the lances with lawsuits and e) heat at 450 C for three hours.

4) Bono Petite. This is why the lead singer of U2 is mono-name-(suffix) and why he never followed his dreams of applying for culinary school.

Upon finding the above joke mediocre, please take solace in the fact that I will be sent to face the firing squad at high noon tomorrow. Granted, the guns are loaded with earthworms, but (Q:) who’s counting?

(A:) Gunther McBreathesaLot. A new face in the frozen fools industry.
Gunther: God gave me a gift. I BREATHE!
Barbara Walters: Everyone breathes.
Gunther: Wait…   what?

5) I can’t complain. My life is pretty good. But sometimes I ask “why?” Why, God, is my guardian angel/ fairy godmother an octopus man? Everyone else has normal looking angels and fairies. Billy down the street, his fairy godmother is kinda hot. I saw her. He says she gave him a handjob once, but I don’t know if I believe him. But mine, well, he’s an octopus man. He smokes bad cigars and farts a lot. He tells me about the war. I don’t even know which one he’s talking about. But, things are pretty good. So, good night, God. I love you.

6) One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready?! Wait. You get ready AFTER going to the show? How did Aristotle miss this? I know, I think too much. It’s the Russian in me. Really, a Russian is inside me right now! And he’s small! (Rimshot(s are for assholes)).

7) The USDA says thinking too much about beef on your birthday is bad. I tend to agree. Also, this veal is tender. So there you go. And if you call now, you’ll get a cool Poison hat, poster and sunglasses, absolutely free!

Groucho) Don Juan. No? Think about it. I like brain paintings.

9) I am working on bringing the Constitution to life, much like Frankenstein. Please don’t laugh. The Fourth Amendment has a degree in jiujitsu.

10) Steel-Tipped Space Boots

11) To Victor goes the spoiled groceries. Just keep smiling, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
(If your name is Victor I bet you have a mustache)

12) And so, I proclaim, summer stun season is here! Heed me, I am a veteran and a failure. Take time in the rice paddies before entering my home (-o erotic version of a bathroom).

This life to live is such the glib that spoiler’s be warned o’ me boots,
Tip “the glass menage-a trois” Lanbruckyular

"Mink Ocean Face"

"Snippity Sandbox Face"

"Composed Pudding Face"