Planet of the Grapes

2) Just quit now. John Lennon glasses don’t make you a better artist. He stole his from Gandhi, who stole his from Groucho, who stole his from an invalid. Remember how dinosaurs used to be interesting, but then you got a job?

3) Hemingway will ALWAYS be untouchable by ironic t-shirts. Never mention Hemingway to a hipster. The hipster will pass off as his own a critique of The Old Man and the Sea that he read in an obscure online magazine while trying to figure out if you’re inauthentic enough to continue talking to. Faulkner, however, will somehow get turned into a breakfast cereal. Religion begins and ends with persecution.

BREATHE into the orgasm….

4) BERATE me as we walk into a bank together. There’s nothing more neutral, emotionally, than accompanying a friend on a quick deposit/withdrawal errand. My grandfather tried to invent “the platonic shower,” but failed miserably. He was quoted in the Trans-City Chronicler-Herald-Sun-Times-Courier as saying, “it’s like trying to love oneself with boxing gloves on.” (italics in original)

5) Salmon is really trying to become the tuna of the 21st century.

Cocaine has been the love of everyone under 21, emotionally.

If you wear a shirt that says “White is the new white” in certain neighborhoods, you could get jumped…on the street…you know, 21 Jump Street… (sound of a record scratching/STUN stretching).

“If you don’t know what you’re saying, shut the fuck up.”-Wittgenstein

“I can have sex with anyone.”-Johnny Depp

6) A salmon is dropped from the ceiling onto a podium at the front of  large auditorium, filled with academics.

Salmon (getting up, brushing himself off): Why am I always a “he?” (mild laughter from the audience)

Someone in the audience: The author never had a sister so he can’t write women!

Salmon (checking is genitalia to see he actually has a vagina) What’s the scholarly way to say “shit!”? (audience falls into hysterics, an orgy ensues)

7) The above is my proposal for “How to Get Crazy Without Drugs or Alcohol.”  I’m working on a few more…ways to take a platonic shower with Lindsay Lohan. While ami(d)st said shower, we can exchange livers. She needs a fresh start, and I need street cred.

STATES’ RIGHTS!) I want to replace the New York State flag with an anime graphic of Thomas Jefferson raping an owl. I hate anime, but I love wolves.

9) Mississippi is where venom was invented, but no one can prove it. Someone once called me “The Mark Twain of Regrets,” and I still don’t know what she meant.

10) Vows of Promiscuity

11) I tried to convince my 6th grade teacher (an idiot) that I was obsessed with how I would die, even though I wasn’t. She thought that fine young Catholic men (I would have liked the band Fine Young Cannibals more if Gun N Roses didn’t get me first) should not have such thoughts. I fantasized about beating her at strip chess then having anal sex with her. Some things never change.