Planet of the Grapes

1) Yeth… Excuse me, I had cotton in my mouth. By cotton I mean a Taiwanese child’s mixed feelings towards his arranged marriage. That’s a lot to swallow, but I’m a throat doctor.

2) Please don’t blush. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Well, actually, I am Robinson Crusoe. Actually, I do not know who that is..  in fact, the only thing I’m good at is faking my way through a good education. Let’s go watch Splash.

3) You’ve never been to a Yentzo tournament? Sit down and let me explain/plode. Yentzo began in the Middle Ages. Are you familiar with jousting? Excellent. It’s like that, but a) replace the horses with polar bears b) replace the knights with child television stars c) replace armor with powder d) replace the lances with lawsuits and e) heat at 450 C for three hours.

4) Bono Petite. This is why the lead singer of U2 is mono-name-(suffix) and why he never followed his dreams of applying for culinary school.

Upon finding the above joke mediocre, please take solace in the fact that I will be sent to face the firing squad at high noon tomorrow. Granted, the guns are loaded with earthworms, but (Q:) who’s counting?

(A:) Gunther McBreathesaLot. A new face in the frozen fools industry.
Gunther: God gave me a gift. I BREATHE!
Barbara Walters: Everyone breathes.
Gunther: Wait…   what?

5) I can’t complain. My life is pretty good. But sometimes I ask “why?” Why, God, is my guardian angel/ fairy godmother an octopus man? Everyone else has normal looking angels and fairies. Billy down the street, his fairy godmother is kinda hot. I saw her. He says she gave him a handjob once, but I don’t know if I believe him. But mine, well, he’s an octopus man. He smokes bad cigars and farts a lot. He tells me about the war. I don’t even know which one he’s talking about. But, things are pretty good. So, good night, God. I love you.

6) One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready?! Wait. You get ready AFTER going to the show? How did Aristotle miss this? I know, I think too much. It’s the Russian in me. Really, a Russian is inside me right now! And he’s small! (Rimshot(s are for assholes)).

7) The USDA says thinking too much about beef on your birthday is bad. I tend to agree. Also, this veal is tender. So there you go. And if you call now, you’ll get a cool Poison hat, poster and sunglasses, absolutely free!

Groucho) Don Juan. No? Think about it. I like brain paintings.

9) I am working on bringing the Constitution to life, much like Frankenstein. Please don’t laugh. The Fourth Amendment has a degree in jiujitsu.

10) Steel-Tipped Space Boots

11) To Victor goes the spoiled groceries. Just keep smiling, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
(If your name is Victor I bet you have a mustache)

12) And so, I proclaim, summer stun season is here! Heed me, I am a veteran and a failure. Take time in the rice paddies before entering my home (-o erotic version of a bathroom).

This life to live is such the glib that spoiler’s be warned o’ me boots,
Tip “the glass menage-a trois” Lanbruckyular

Falcons suck

PS Is it still too soon to make John Wilkes Booth jokes?