Stun Lists
1) Please take a moment to evaluate your relationships. I don’t like you, and God isn’t too impressed either.
Where does that leave you? Somewhere between Worried Walrus’ summer house and truth.
2) There’s more to emoticons than meets the eye. Before you stop me,
ask yourself: why do you automatically assume you’re better than penguins?
3) Don’t be emotional. Just spread your legs and be the messiah.
4) “If you can imagine a universe, it exists.”
-Justin Bieber (is a scientist(in another universe(that Justin Bieber’s
grandmother(force-feeds her parrots(mentally), which is to say, she yells things at her parrots
(in her mind)))))
5) “Custodian” is such a better word than “janitor.” Still, using “custodian”
every chance you get won’t change the results of the Civil War. (don’t imagine
playing a flute made of scabs)!
6) Welcome to…Ughtopia! You will notice a pyramid on your right. It
is NOT where Kermit the Frog’s bones reside/I like peanuts. The trees
are made of leather, and the taxi cabs all take you to your favorite
childhood memory.
7) My dentistry skills were amazing, I was a prodigy apprenticing
under Yolence von Savoy in Vienna. The court rumors had me as the next
oral Beethoven. Now I am a ripe helmet inspector in India, with a minor
in hamburglaring. What happened?
greeeeeattttt) now I have to babysit pictures of the Muppet Babies for twelve hours and
the house I’m at only has basic cable. Cue: Suicide.
10) Maybe Powder
11) Electric beds were a bad idea. Just ask the kids of Bereavement, Incorporated.
The kid who looks like Andrew Jackson: what?
The kid who looks like Jimi Hendrix: did you mean electric blankets?
The kid who looks like you: I can teach you about Death.
12) Through not having a vision of Catholic icons, I have failed to
be considered for sainthood. To compensate, I will sponsor a field day
for young men considering the ways of the beast, meaning “centaur camp.”
I am not who you say I am.
The price of sin is being a wheelbarrow in the eternal harvest of delight,
Johans “The Reproductive Organ Donor” McJerusalem
1) “Mocha Suchness is reality…” this is what a caterpillar screamed (human whisper equivalent) at me as I fell into a trance…and all I could think was….”Starbucks takes itself wayyy too seriously.”
2) If time is of the essence, but time doesn’t exist, are fart jokes still funny after college?
3) Maybe one day, we can all be the children of Esophagus. Esophagus, of course, is a medieval clown who doesn’t age. Except with regard to his taste in women. Very lonely is he, for no earthly woman is 907 years old at press time. At least he has discovered that masturbating into a lute gives it a certain “healing tone.”
4) The fifth direction takes you right to the core of the earth. Its path ends in a concrete room with a grandmotherly caterpillar knitting (unrelated to the screaming caterpillar mentioned above). It’s not too hot. Oh, I meant the room…but I guess the caterpillar as well.
5) Frick and Frack are suing everyone for defamation of character. They hate how every time two idiots become friends, a (usually lame) third party will inevitably refer to them at some point as “Frick and Frack.” The real Frick and Frack were Swiss skaters who hated to be photographed near octopuss or anything that resembled octopuss. They have been brought back to life by an anonymous Bill Gates for his “Skating on Thin Ice” tour.
6) Gurgle John was the best crib maker if you didn’t count people over 3 years old. This was in the 1890s, so crib making was different. Usually, babies sleep in cribs. Gurgle John as as idea is experiencing a comeback in the Phillipines, even though he lived in Merry Olde England. Gurgle John t-shirts and sandwiches sell well in the Phillipines. The sandwiches have an image of his face stamped on the bread. Even though he lived to be ninety, he is only remembered for his work as a baby.
7) The first person who thought to say “cheese” when taking a picture died yesterday. He was 207 years old, if you count reincarnation. So, basically, a scorpion died yesterday.
PRESSED FOR TIME) There should be one day a year where humans switch genders in order to “know what it’s like.” Even if that doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’ll still always be Samoan in my mitochondria.
9) There’s a lot of emotion around cereal. Maybe because people associate it with childhood, and, you know, that’s when all the problems start.
“Cereal should not be classified as a food. It’s a state of mind.”
-something a stoned Val Kilmer might say
10) A world where everything The Weekly World News prints becomes true.
11) I’m trying to raise capital for a trendy new ‘net startup: “a Facebook for ants.” If the ants market doesn’t work, woodland creatures are a backup. So far, Kenny Rogers (my only potential investor) isn’t calling back. I guess yodeling lessons are that important to him. NO PUNCHLINE!
12) Failure to Thrive syndrome is what happens to babies when you don’t touch them (they die), /or/ what happens to a tuba after its owner is caught soliciting prostitutes outside of the Vatican. Either way, eagle-flavored ice cream will never exist.
It’s time to “re-crucify” myself,
Baron “The Lawless Neptune” von Stildegroat
1) Yeth… Excuse me, I had cotton in my mouth. By cotton I mean a Taiwanese child’s mixed feelings towards his arranged marriage. That’s a lot to swallow, but I’m a throat doctor.
2) Please don’t blush. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Well, actually, I am Robinson Crusoe. Actually, I do not know who that is.. in fact, the only thing I’m good at is faking my way through a good education. Let’s go watch Splash.
3) You’ve never been to a Yentzo tournament? Sit down and let me explain/plode. Yentzo began in the Middle Ages. Are you familiar with jousting? Excellent. It’s like that, but a) replace the horses with polar bears b) replace the knights with child television stars c) replace armor with powder d) replace the lances with lawsuits and e) heat at 450 C for three hours.
4) Bono Petite. This is why the lead singer of U2 is mono-name-(suffix) and why he never followed his dreams of applying for culinary school.
Upon finding the above joke mediocre, please take solace in the fact that I will be sent to face the firing squad at high noon tomorrow. Granted, the guns are loaded with earthworms, but (Q:) who’s counting?
(A:) Gunther McBreathesaLot. A new face in the frozen fools industry.
Gunther: God gave me a gift. I BREATHE!
Barbara Walters: Everyone breathes.
Gunther: Wait… what?
5) I can’t complain. My life is pretty good. But sometimes I ask “why?” Why, God, is my guardian angel/ fairy godmother an octopus man? Everyone else has normal looking angels and fairies. Billy down the street, his fairy godmother is kinda hot. I saw her. He says she gave him a handjob once, but I don’t know if I believe him. But mine, well, he’s an octopus man. He smokes bad cigars and farts a lot. He tells me about the war. I don’t even know which one he’s talking about. But, things are pretty good. So, good night, God. I love you.
6) One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready?! Wait. You get ready AFTER going to the show? How did Aristotle miss this? I know, I think too much. It’s the Russian in me. Really, a Russian is inside me right now! And he’s small! (Rimshot(s are for assholes)).
7) The USDA says thinking too much about beef on your birthday is bad. I tend to agree. Also, this veal is tender. So there you go. And if you call now, you’ll get a cool Poison hat, poster and sunglasses, absolutely free!
Groucho) Don Juan. No? Think about it. I like brain paintings.
9) I am working on bringing the Constitution to life, much like Frankenstein. Please don’t laugh. The Fourth Amendment has a degree in jiujitsu.
10) Steel-Tipped Space Boots
11) To Victor goes the spoiled groceries. Just keep smiling, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
(If your name is Victor I bet you have a mustache)
12) And so, I proclaim, summer stun season is here! Heed me, I am a veteran and a failure. Take time in the rice paddies before entering my home (-o erotic version of a bathroom).
This life to live is such the glib that spoiler’s be warned o’ me boots,
Tip “the glass menage-a trois” Lanbruckyular
1) Just as I was getting ready to perch upon my stove and inseminate a crown roast, the phone rang. It was your mother. This is not a therapy session.
2) I need to feel bad for myself. That’s what I’m going as for Saint Patrick’s Day. Me Feeling Bad For Myself. Introducing me to men with women’s names makes me feel bad for THEM. Get creative! Like, remind me I can only half-define “detente.”
3) When I was five, and people referred to my bowels, I began to think my intestines looked like the basement of the building I lived in. I pictured little work men in there maintaining my body like I was a giant robot…
…sometimes, when you’re alone, do you ever get womb envy?
4) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello Starving Yenta Avenue.
5) The womb is metaphysical. The uterus is very physical. (See Eastern European scumbag boasting “I like to get lots of uterus.”) They refer to the same thing but they are not the same thing. It’s like post-coital depression: you either get it or you don’t.
6) “me and mussolini”
me and mussolini
sitting in a tree
talking detente and shit
won’t you be the tea cup on my coffee table
I want to see what it’s like
with a black girl
me and mussolini
Astrally projecting to Jupiter (’s energy fields)
Wake up and smell the poor
I’m better than Chaucer
7) Construction man, do you DEstuct a woman’s self esteem when she walks by?
(five minutes of lesbians snoring and bongos)
Please make sure you cat call to everyone. Don’t haaaaate.
Elvis) is the Artist formerly mistaken as king. Chuck Berry is rolling in his bath of mint julups. Don’t haaaaate. I have the Elephant Man’s spirit in my cane.
9) Eggplant martinis did nothing for Val Kilmer’s hospitality. His house is walking on stilts, I am walking on sunshine, and the AIDS walk tomorrow is jokeularistically untouchable.
10) Time-released orgasms
11) Thrilled to Be Here: I am the living embodiment of Joy.
Thrilled to be Herd: Shepherds peaked 1000 years ago.
Thrilled to be in Her: This joke would be obvious, IF you don’t know someone who knows someone in a fledgling band named “Her,” (like I actually do, though I understand no one reads these to learn anything new) who will go on to sell an album for every keystroke I struck while writing Stun Lists…. including deletes!
…One day, someone will indeed profit from the things I DIDN’T write. I am the Miles Davis of lying.
12) Besame mucho= kiss me a lot.
Butterfly kiss my ass. That means open and shut your eyes, close to my backside, so the eyelashes touch my ass. In explaining the joke, I have failed to meet its expectation…
“Brevity is the soul of wit” -Mom
“Butterfly kiss my clitoris on the way out.”- Shakespeare
Finding new ways to become invisible at Halloween “functions,”
Liquid Nitrogen Pellets “david” O’thoroughfare
1) It’s time to disembark on a dis-im-bowelulation. This is the technical term for what Freddy Krueger does with his clawed hand to some overly sexual girl in the 37th installment of “A Nightmare on Madison Avenue”-and that’s exactly what it was, for no one knew how to market it. You HAVE to start grassroots movements in church basements, nail salons, and “death sites of famous polar bears.”
P A N D A B E A R S = T O O O B V I O U S
2) My pet calculator recently chided me, calling my early twenties my “Emotional Dark Ages.” Had electricity been discovered in 1132 C.E. (A.D. is soooo 1956) we would have been flying to Jupiter mentally by now. Had I discovered the part of my brain that would have connected to my clitoris had I continued developing as a female (note to frat boys: every fetus starts out as a female, but then Larry Flynt’s ghost intervenes), I would have been married by now. Say. La. V.
3) Saying “cheese” when you get your picture taken is like saying “weight” when you flip a light switch. The former will not change the braces and over-sized t-shirts you had when you were 11, the latter will not stop a blood-hungry Freddy Krueger, currently hiding in your closet (let’s hope he’s distracted by all the bacteria porn you hide in there- “Pre-Microscoped Images For Your Pleasure!”).
4) Critics agree: Freddy Krueger can’t be a theme, “he wouldn’t make it this obvious.”
Critics aghast: There weren’t enough clean towels at last month’s Critic’s Konvention.
Critics are assholes: See the review of the STUN List Coffee Table Book in Rolling Stone, May 12, 2012 (four stars–which by that point is one star less then the Cliff’s Notes for the Snakes on a Plane graphic novel).
5) “Where the chalk women at?”
The above is a take on the popular line from the Mel Brooks film, Blazing Saddles, “where the white women at?” Chalk is white…get it?
I had a crush on Sade when I was 5. (M/56/NYC/FAVORITE WORD: MOCCASINS) Ladies: you must have NO sense of humor…I hate completition.
6) I hear the lunch room at Conde Nast publishing (they do Cosmo and stuff) is, like, brutal…in terms of finding people who can locate Peru on a map.
7) Clown: I liked it better when you guys weren’t as socially critical.
Me: Ok…I get a lot of pre-cum, but only when I’m with a partner (lawyers suck). Is that better?
(Clown takes off mask to reveal a clock where his face should be): 4:37
Come on) My face isn’t perfect, but neither is Brad Pitt’s copy of The Bible/La Biblia/Los Angeles.
9) Somehow, in the process of illegally but successfully editing a Wikipedia entry about himself, Richard Simmons found the secret to immortality. Note: the last sentence would have been less effective using Albert Einstein, but more effective using real imagination and not relying on a mere mention of Richard Simmons to “get us through this thin(g).” <———–(guess you’re not “with a partner” because you’re now clearly jerking off)
If there were a kissing technique called “throating,” what would it entail?
10) Biblically-Themed Porn
11) Yikes…is not in the dictionary. But neither is Freddie Mercury’s key lime pie recipe (a jealous Krueger forces himself to fall off of his tricycle, trying to get my attention… I always knew I’d hate fatherhood).
12) “Probably the worst STUN of his post-prison career. Look at the Paris Hilton article below and never really delve too deeply into politics”-The NY Post
“Where he fails in execution, he fails further in superfluous mentions of Frederick Krueger.” -The New Yorker
“Where the brown, yellow and tan women at?”- a New Yorker
Ugh. Is it over?
William “The pleather suits are under the leather boots” Wishful
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- Tags: Blazing Saddles, Brad Pitt, Clowns, Conde Nast, Cosmo, critics, Freddie Mercury, Freddy Krueger, La Biblia, Larry Flynt, Los Angeles, Madison Avenue, Mel Brooks, moccasins, NY Post, panda bears, Paris Hilton, Peru, polar bears, Richard Simmons, Rolling Stone, Sade, Snakes on a Plane, The Bible, The New Yorker, wikipedia
1) I call my secretary “Left Brain, Obey!” He’s a genius at estate taxes, but can’t get over the fact that I didn’t masturbate to mental images of girls I personally knew while a youth. My sexual imagination, like the rest of my mind was “born 33,” which has nothing to do with Jesus’ death, something to do with the number three, and, yep, there it is, everything has to be in threes. So, do you girls (I mean women) like each other? You know, like like…?
2) Just quit now. John Lennon glasses don’t make you a better artist. He stole his from Gandhi, who stole his from Groucho, who stole his from an invalid. Remember how dinosaurs used to be interesting, but then you got a job?
3) Hemingway will ALWAYS be untouchable by ironic t-shirts. Never mention Hemingway to a hipster. The hipster will pass off as his own a critique of The Old Man and the Sea that he read in an obscure online magazine while trying to figure out if you’re inauthentic enough to continue talking to. Faulkner, however, will somehow get turned into a breakfast cereal. Religion begins and ends with persecution.
BREATHE into the orgasm….
4) BERATE me as we walk into a bank together. There’s nothing more neutral, emotionally, than accompanying a friend on a quick deposit/withdrawal errand. My grandfather tried to invent “the platonic shower,” but failed miserably. He was quoted in the Trans-City Chronicler-Herald-Sun-Times-Courier as saying, “it’s like trying to love oneself with boxing gloves on.” (italics in original)
5) Salmon is really trying to become the tuna of the 21st century.
Cocaine has been the love of everyone under 21, emotionally.
If you wear a shirt that says “White is the new white” in certain neighborhoods, you could get jumped…on the street…you know, 21 Jump Street… (sound of a record scratching/STUN stretching).
“If you don’t know what you’re saying, shut the fuck up.”-Wittgenstein
“I can have sex with anyone.”-Johnny Depp
6) A salmon is dropped from the ceiling onto a podium at the front of large auditorium, filled with academics.
Salmon (getting up, brushing himself off): Why am I always a “he?” (mild laughter from the audience)
Someone in the audience: The author never had a sister so he can’t write women!
Salmon (checking is genitalia to see he actually has a vagina) What’s the scholarly way to say “shit!”? (audience falls into hysterics, an orgy ensues)
7) The above is my proposal for “How to Get Crazy Without Drugs or Alcohol.” I’m working on a few more…ways to take a platonic shower with Lindsay Lohan. While ami(d)st said shower, we can exchange livers. She needs a fresh start, and I need street cred.
STATES’ RIGHTS!) I want to replace the New York State flag with an anime graphic of Thomas Jefferson raping an owl. I hate anime, but I love wolves.
9) Mississippi is where venom was invented, but no one can prove it. Someone once called me “The Mark Twain of Regrets,” and I still don’t know what she meant.
10) Vows of Promiscuity
11) I tried to convince my 6th grade teacher (an idiot) that I was obsessed with how I would die, even though I wasn’t. She thought that fine young Catholic men (I would have liked the band Fine Young Cannibals more if Gun N Roses didn’t get me first) should not have such thoughts. I fantasized about beating her at strip chess then having anal sex with her. Some things never change.
12) I have a love/hate relationship with grocery stores. They are the great equalizer. I mean, we all have to eat. I always make friends there, but they’re never sexual prospects. I always shop hungry, then regret how much money I just spent. I always hide STUN Lists in the produce, but no one has ever called to say they appreciated it and “get it.” I guess I have failed to be the poet laureate of the Bronx. Maybe I should just shoot a cop.
The circus was in town, but no one told me for fear I’d run away with them,
Japeto “The Eagle of Madison Avenue” DeToilette
1) I’m taking my Paris equivalency test. I want to see how many bars from the Eiffel Tower correspond with patterns in my DNA. Some French guy told me that the “D” in my DNA stands for denial, and the people at Fox News won’t return my calls because it’s “so obvious” that I was supposed to be born in France and yet somehow landed in the Bronx. All this makes me want to do is establish a new country whose motto is “brevity is the soul of wit, ” but I never have enough time to work on it.
2) Who am I? Why are we here? Who ordered the turkey club with no mayo and extra lettuce?
These things went through my mind when I interned at a prestigious New York delicatessen (Krebner Leibovitz & Iscariot). Then I got a real job as a “model model”…I’d teach models how to not be themselves (and thus model successfully). This is what the unborn Olsen triplet and I refer to as being “so close, yet so far”…
3) Being that the slash (/) is right next to the period (.) on the keyboard, I sometimes think I type an ellipses, also known as “dot dot dot” (…),
only to find I have done this: ///. However, I hereby propose a new punctuation in English grammar that utilizes three slashes. It can be called the “elvis” and be used as a shortcut when anyone in a story leaves the scene, especially while using their hips in a creative way.
EXAMPLE:
“Oh, shit, Larry, you left the parrot’s cage open!”
///
“He was a great parrot…too bad he’s gone now.”
“Yeah…are you a boy or a girl?”
4) The trans fats in this donut are going straight to my hips, but this napkin is going str8 to my lips (it was, after all, a powdered donut)…
I have the metabolism of a classically-trained rhino.
5) Helmets, obviously, peaked in the ’80s. This had a lot to do with Nintendo, and nothing to do with junk bonds. Many Nintendo games involved a helmet that could turn you into different things, like an eagle, a lamp shade, or a guy who claims to know more about UV rays than he actually does. Regardless, priests wearing helmets for any reason remain irrationally humorous to me, as do winning lottery numbers hidden in coconuts.
6) What if ceilings had breasts?
7) I’ve Been Known to Eat Dinner at Midnight, while accurate, is a terrible name for my autobiography, but I’m not writing it. RuPaul is, so I have to just listen to the publisher. I’ve actually outsourced most aspects of being myself by now so that I can, you know, do coke till 9am every day in L.A. If I’ve been having a lot of “deep” conversations with you recently, “I” apologize…”Guitar Me” is under repair so “Philosophy Me” had to pick up the slack. Obviously, all of these “Me’s” are really young Mongolian boys and their sheep-herding fathers. Including the present author. Please help us, the real author is a raving ///
(…sorry… I got distracted by an argument over whether goats have free will).
D)e Tour. Switch your gender.
9) Anger is a gift. Unfortunately, I got it from someone I had given it to last year, and thus was “re-gifted.” Do you know what contempt sounds like just by shaking the box?
10) Porn filmed in the center of tornadoes.
11) “I’ve come to realize certain things are not crutches, but more accurately can be described as having “joke tenure.” Gnomes, for example. The word “moccasins” turns my skeleton to weak glass during that brief sweet moment in which it is uttered, making me feel on the brink of collapse and destruction, at its mercy. Cows, chickens, walruses, and even lobsters have seen better days (ah, youth), but still I find inherently ridiculous. Goats will always be there (the marriage of the word itself with the thought of the beast it denotes a potent combination)…
…some men look to past lovers with this kind of adoration, melancholy, and awe…and I…I have but this…please tighten the noose even more…thank you” ///
-Alexander the Great’s last words
12) Actual letter from my internet service provider:
“Feel free to print my name. You peaked a year and a half ago.
Now these things are just uninspired, but, you know, you need content for your website. Focus on a career.”
-The Failure Police
My afternoons are a cross between pharmacy small talk and sadness,
Proton “The sauce is never done” Variables
1) The task is complete. Now to begin my French translation of “War and Peace.” Though I know nothing of war, French, or Tolstoy. But I am sure the God of Grammar shall smile upon me. Note: When I refer to “licking carpet,” I of course am referring to an oral fixation to floor decorations.
2) 32% of a squid’s brain is permanently focused on the end of days and whether (s)he will get into heaven. I stopped feeling well around the 8th grade.
3) People talk about some men being lifesized Ken dolls. Jokes about private parts aside, does that mean said men have hard, plastic shells and limited range of mobility with their limbs? Are there support groups for people who can’t bend their legs? And how can I get in on that? I need to tap some rigid hind.
4) 2 bottles of whiskey
1 turnip
a handful of cat vomit
.2% of the parchment of the Declaration of Independence
stir until angry
-Julia Child’s recipe for making wind
5) Of all the things I’ve lost, I really need to take inventory. Keys, wallets, wills, Willis’s joints (bones)… the list would go on if I were to write it. Again, see St1n (pronounced “Stwun”) about my knowledge of Tolstoy: none.
A. Maher : “Show all work!”
B. Maher: “Don’t be such a pussy! Try pussy!”
6) Presenting the Planet of the Grapes planet! We flew to Jupiter and poured 52.3 trillion gallons of Hi-C Grape DRINK, not juice, into the atmosphere and renamed it. What depression? We have a purple planet! Let’s partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
7) The Fax Thief sneaks into your house at night, scans your face while you’re sleeping and faxes it to his mother. This is how he mates.
L)eggs . I used to think Leggs were supposed to be edible, but if you planted them in the ground legs would grow from them. Now I know I’m right.
9) When it says “Use as directed,” that means you’re supposed to have somebody direct you into using it. This counts for all subsequent doses. Actors don’t just film the rest of the movie after two days of working with the director. The ones who do are usually called Scientologists.
10) The first orgasm
11) Bagels are poisonous. Don’t let them bite you.
12) Now that I’ve failed my flying chair pilot test, I’m going to invent a new number. Goals!
He pees on you,
The wind XOXO
1) There’s a lot that can be learned from Disney Channel shows. The first thing I’d like to point out, not that it’s obvious, is that if you analyze the rhythm of cuts from one shot to the next in any Disney Channel show, it’s Morse Code stating that “dieting is for the weak.” Oh, I see a hand in the back.
Yes, you…Judas Iscariot? You have a question?
Judas: I would like to transfer to Professor Ugluliat’s class on Mime Theory.
Me: (secreting fake blood from my eyeballs): Very well.
2) Yesterday, I bought “Lottery Bonds.” They guarantee that the lottery numbers I play will be the winning numbers in a lottery somewhere on Earth within the next five thousand years. Nooowwww will you let me marry your mother, or what?
3) The wheels on the bus go round and round, but did you know the Earth is about to have a heart attack? It can’t just keep spinning.
Earth: “I give and I give…”
4) Charles de Gaulle: “This is becoming a comment-driven STUN.”
RoboCop (turning over a newly-formed leaf): I find this de-Gaulling!
Author: Okay, it’s time that this stops.
(Author steps into a wrestling ring with his Imagination).
Author: What? How can you be separate than me?
Author’s Imagination (taking the form of young Jane Seymour): Let’s do it.
(Ten minutes later…)
Author: Okay, let’s write number 5.
5) The King of Jerusalem is a mediocre nickname for a flag football champion.
6) Mimes have invisible excretory systems. Miners are invisible except for their excretory systems.
Children, what is the cause, and what is LaTrec?
7) On the other side of the earth at any given moment is someone who looks exactly like you, but is a trumpet virtuoso. Perez Hilton always tries to make the connecting flight that will allow him to meet said doppelganger, but he gets held up at the airport due to “9/11 conspiracy checks.”
Cue) pigeons. They fly in, shit on your hot dog, and fly out. Now what kinds of friends are these?
Sixth pigeon from the front: “With friends like these, who needs to own real estate?”
(At this point a Bobble Head of God falls from the sky and immediately catches fire upon hitting the ground. The once-laughing pigeons are now serious).
9) My mother says I am an angel with wings clipped. My father said I remind him of a younger Zeus. The lady at the supermarket called the police when I made the innocent comment “those pomegranates look juicy.” It was in jail, however, that I discovered The Brother’s Grimm, Volume II, hidden in a wall. Would you like me to read a passage? Very well. This is from “The Boy Who Didn’t Study Real Estate Laws:”
Lepuso, a village boy who loved straw hats, was invited to the duke’s castle to discuss an internship program. On his way, Lepuso met a witch promising him three wishes if he “gave her a little nut.” Lepuso always carried almonds on him (rich in antioxidants) and gave the witch one. She said “that’s not what I had in mind, you sloth,” but had to grant him the wishes.” When his first wish was that the witch had all the nuts she so pleased, the witch wept out of Lepuso’s selflessness, and at that exact moment, the universe ended.
10) Implied Intercourse
11) “Domination Donkey” was a super-hero in Malaysian folklore until American taste was recently imported. Whenever you see Superman chatting up some paralegal at a bar, colonialism is not far off…
12) So, what’s “Fail Blog?”
Henry Kissinger: “You know what Fail Blog is, Jared. You’re just trying to write an easy number 12. PS: your grandmother was a lioness.”
I am Two Armed and Too Slick for the Majority of America,
Love,
Jared (ripping off Brad(’s skin))
1) The inside of a shark’s mouth holds many mysteries. For example, the 11th Commandment, the second half of the Declaration of Independence, and various Muppet x-rays were recently found in one. Another contained alternate lyrics to 1950s hit song “Yakety Yak,” as well as an abnormally intelligent sting ray. When asked why he preferred leftist politics, the sting ray made an off-color remark about the film Beetlejuice and then gave this reporter a sound beating.
The Jackson 5 Weekly newspaper said last week: “The moral of the story is that there are no morals.”
2) My ribs are made of satin. My nipples are silk worms. Compose them.
3) Scenario A: Now that my cage is built, why don’t you get into it? I will experiment on your ability to be attracted to men named Apu.
Scenario B: I am the rat and you are electricity. Let’s be romantick and drink each other’s blood.
Experiment More on Doves: For each leg hair I own, dress up a lizard as a Catholic priest and play Truth or Dare. The smaller the lizard, the more rosary bead stock you will be forced to buy….
4) Across the street from the prepubescent boy with a lemonade stand, right next to the entrance to the modeling agency that handles the Victoria’s Secret account, I set up a nifty stand of my own. The sign read: “Attention Ladies: Mustache Rides- 5 cents.” (apparently this used to work for Tom Selleck). I even drew one of the “s”’s backwards to be cute. The ladies just gawked as they walked by…
…then I realized when I got home that I had shaved the night before.
I proceeded to weep.
Aunt Eunice: “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on! Now bring me another dwarf…”
5) I have exact replicas of Fred Savage’s hair at every age. I can put on the wigs reflecting his different eras
and wonder if he’s the type that “gets” Monica Lewinsky.
6) It’s good to find the “clitoris” of certain things. For example, the soft, golden part of a piece of pound cake on the top (always the best bite) is that piece of pound cake’s clitoris. Predictably, for many household appliances, it’s the “on” button. For most stuffed animals, it’s the belly button. Remember, the clitoris of an object isn’t always overtly sexual: it’s the object’s spiritual center. I like to think that my clitoris is my eyebrows. What do you think?
7) I get paid by the keystroke.
Dead) last in the David Bowie look-alike contest yet again!
Mr. T (while putting a gorilla in a headlock): “Is it too late to become a mime?”
9) Somehow, I became known as “The Will Smith of Korea,” without being Korean or even Will Smith. Even so, joking about being “out of the will” because I had sex with a girl of a different race/religion/sense of humor is still quite dishonorable while dining with my Korean mistress’ parents.
10) Saber-toothed parrots.
11) For my Qth birthday, I would like the red part of the light spectrum.
12) To love is divine, to err is animalistic, to automatically get semi-hard at the mere sound of a computer turning on is “problematic” (Freud, The Conflicted Socialite, pp. 16-1876). Again and again I fail to visualize world peace on “Visualize World Peace Day.” Is it possible to be successful at being a failure?
When the diamond mines are empty, start organizing the love police,
Quest “The Lucky Leprechaun” Lifechaser
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