Planet of the Grapes

1) I’ve been a bath boy. I thevelopeth a lisp over the letter “D”. I can only type it when it’s totally alone. Isn’t that weirth? Also, Johnny Weir is going to menstruate for all womankinth.

2) This candle, made out of the earwax of Louis the Fourteenth (NOT to be confused with Louis XIV), has ben preserved for ages using a complex system of heat, light, moisture and jokulitude. It actually became the barometer of what was funny in the years following the French Revolution. (eg., royalty, mustard, being able to understand the laws of physics).

3) Cry me a saucer. I’ve been to the center of Cote D’Ivoire twicely.

4) The presents, they are under the tree. This year for Christmas, the tree is a small lemon tree and the presents are theoretically still the property of Toys ‘R’ Us. Geoffrey the Giraffe is paying through the nose in child support.

5) Don’t talk… just go.

6) The Edison Brothers (Better known as “The Mounties” to die-hard WWF fans {NOT WWE fans, you guys fear male contact without secretly desiring it [see also "lame"]} welshingtude). Getting back to the story, the Edison Brothers went to school with Kevin Bacon’s current accountant, who is married to a collection of seaweed draped over a rock on Venice Beach.

7) He that bate the hand must have a head in the poles. The North Pole is especially tender this time of year.

Six Degrees of Organism Seperation) never went over well at parties. Neither did “Find Europe.”

9) Go (ld) fish, now I can finally develop a cyst that won’t cramp my style.

Fish: There are no wolves in the Arctic Ocean!
Vincent Price died. He wants his life back.

10) Chinawomen

11) I’m not afraid of leaves anymore. Therapy helps. But not in the way that it helps me get over my fear of leaves. It’s just that the therapy itself is so horror-inducing that every other worry in the world seems trivial. Hell, I’d jump off a cliff or kill a bear with the back of my knees before lying on that couch again.

12) I think we’ve all failed to continue the tradition of STUN. Also, I failed to really develop the character of the skeleton that shouts “TWELVE!!” I’m….. sorry?

Clearly he said,
Buy Nike

1) I’m working on my follow up to Atlas Shrugged, entitled Prometheus Could
Care Less. Okay, not the follow up, but a follow up. It’s about a leprechaun
who cross dresses…but I never specify the gender of the leprechaun.
I know dude, right?…inSANE!!

2) The Deathwish films were underrated in Switzerland. Figures,
seeing as how the Swiss are weak (no war? what the hell?). I wonder, though,
how often the word “mountain” figures into their sexual slang.

As in… “hey babe, wanna go up the mountain?”
Goat: “can I watch?”
A male Gnome running out of a tree, his green facial mask still on: “That’s my line!”

3) Hulk Hogan and Mr. Rogers are the same species.
But no matter what you say to me, “penis” is a weak word…

4) “Rock. Paper. Scissors…
shoot me in the face with an elephant rifle.”
(the above is the exact statement Jackson Pollock gave in People’s Court
when he was tried for “What Were You Thinking?”)

5) Cream Cheese sandwiches are not healthy. However, explosion sandwiches are.
And now, class, close your books. This is a pop quiz on the atomic structure of bear ejaculate.

6) “Classless.” That’s what the newspaper, Babies, Daily said about my use of the word
“skillz” in my application to run for President of a local grocery store.

7) The Karate Kid films tell the story of War And Peace backwards…
There goes another kid who’s confused about Fat Albert’s sexuality.

Leon) Tolstoy never had an easy break. He never got that green cape for Christmas…
the one that would turn him into a house so that he didn’t have to be in the circus anymore.
AT LEAST he got the bath towel that always tell you exactly how many people are currently at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

9) Pasteurization is an oft-misunderstood process. Did you know that tiny caterpillars wearing miner’s hats actually vacuum all of the bad stuff out of the milk? It’s truth. And yet….clams.

10) It’s always Zero o’clock.

11) Mechanical popcorn….mmmmitochondria! (exist)

12) Coyotes have settled down to become investment bankers. They enjoy starched white shirts,
early evening cocktails when not at the office, and frequently reminding me that STUN Lists
have “failed to make a sizable indentation in the Chinese market.” Whatever you say, coyotes…
I can’t tell you apart.

Love is only a foot massage away,
Dustin “Grapewrath Unlimited” Kilzenberry

1) My electric flute is not plugged in. Electricity and flying don’t mix. Ohhh, that’s what I smell…
burning leather  helmets. Next week, have the minor scale prepared. I know it’s your
second lesson, but you will be headlining at my funeral. So Practice!

2) Somehow I went on a date with three leaves named The Uranium Sisters. They said they wanted to make love after only having one pear juice and vodka each, but I did not know how to make love to leaves…only fuck them. (Thank you Robert deNiro, for all you’ve done.)


3) You are just an ocean of blood in a tiny droplet of sins.


4) I’ve been researching the history of research.

The first “research” mentioned is hereby assigned the variable “Frog”
The second, inner “research” will be assigned the variable “Toad.”


Every moment I live is irony.



5)

hair’s the sunshine
let the daydreams in (equip me for the fall)
wheelbarrows always remain almost funny/slash
I suck at haikus


6) I am a Professor of Truth:
IF LaTruce is white
THEN the Atlantic Ocean is now 2% Minotaur blood
BUT CONVERSELY you are a somewhat attractive lesbian.

7/11) And now, a selection from this month’s Book of the Weak, War and Peace:
“…I was fishing with my uncle. We were fishing in the River Styx. I caught a damned soul. We threw it back, because, you know, I was horny. Anyway, I like limes better than lemons. That’s when I realized I was different from the other boys. That and the scales…”

Tolstoy sucks!

Capitalism) When the cups run out at the convenience store, don’t just stand there, buy stamps and sell them for 20 cents extra!

A bloody Tony the Tiger: “Now we’re talking! De-fense! De-fense!”

9) Bottles and bottles of blood. This is what we found in your
refrigerator. Your refrigerator called us at 11:42 pm. If you had the
appropriate Dr. Dre magnet on your refrigerator, he wouldn’t be such a
traitor.


10) A jetpack that runs on Gnomes’ nightmares.


11) The Magenta Asylum is where myself and Albert Einstein switched genitalia. And you know what? Personality is contained in the genitalia more than you’d think. Thus, this is the first quasi-Einsteinian STUN, as opposed to the upcoming Italian-American atomic bomb. When we drop it over Macy’s, our doctor will simultaneously be ejaculating in Beirut.

PS: The Age of Agrarius (Farming) officially ended when Gossip Girl premiered.


12) I pray, daily, that you will FAIL to remember to breathe in.  But
my religion is SO WEAK!


If I were German, I would be depressed,
Kip “The Oslo Witch Doctor” McPhlooglestein

!) Yogurt in perpetual flight.

@) Godzilla lectures extensively on the separation of church and state. He lives in Nantucket with his wife (post-op Mothra) and two children. This is his thirty seventh novel… thirty eighth if you count his tears being used to form hieroglyphic mud sculptures that the remaining Iroquois used to tell the story of Eliot Spitzer’s downfall…

#) There is no “reverse” on emotions. Only new ways to urinate on your therapist’s couch without him/her/moths noticing.

$) CANDY- PREAST= PEASANT (EAT ME). —–> I wrote that equation on Einstein’s bathroom wall when he had me over for tea. And then, a funny thing happened. He looked at me and said, “fuck the you of tomorrow.”

%) Champions are not born. They are hatched. (Look at me float away with your genitals)

^) Upsy daisy. Flowers may be more intelligent than humans…just waiting for the right time to strike. mmmhmm….keep  it light.

“Do you believe me yet?”

-G(o)d

&) “Parakeets make me lustful” was all I wrote on my Facebook wall…and the Harvard grad girls came a-knockin’…
I mean, illogical wetness. Was what I experienced. While watching the Ken Burns documentary, “Baseball.”
NOT what I signed up for.

They call me Clever Chevy) I never believed there was a “Chevy Chase, Maryland” until I filled my first polar bear (with toast) there.
Now, I think about Chevy Chase every time I weigh the pros and cons of the Bible. Good times…

() reap what you saw. And if you sew yourself a “Cosby Sweater,” you better “sew” your “seed” on my velvet “electric” chair.
Easter was never exciting.

!)) Outdoor Lingerie

!!) Let’s become slaves to each other and reverse the effects of feudalism.

!@) If the universe is infinite, that literally means that there is a planet exactly like Earth with people who are genetically identical to you and me…
BUT…cellulite is “in.” I’m so sorry that I have failed to develop a teleportation device. 700 trillion trillion lightyears is a long way to consider
how many brownies you probably shouldn’t have eaten…

Crucify me gently,

Thurman “Wonderment is Over” Bristlemueller

1) I just competed in the Leonard Nimoy baseball championsips…which is, basically, a kite flying contest where we try to use the kites to interfere with fly balls hit in the Little League game taking place in the neighboring field. Strike 4!

2) I know a model who calls herself Gene Slimmons. I know, lame–even though in her Size 0 canasta outfit she can put any man in wrestling holds and force submission within seconds. Safety Word: THRUST!

3) “nude is not naked” shouted a panda bear as he fell off of a volcano to his death.

Emotional people need not apply.

4) Masturbating while doing yoga–in a public yoga class–is not easy…But if you pull it off without anyone noticing, does it make you more enlightened or less enlightened? Discuss(t)…

5) notice me

sighed the parakeet

after the apocalypse

(no more lunch specials)

6) Dinosaurs have revolted in my subconscious. They are upset with having been relegated to the department of ”something I used to be into.” If you could see them, they look like tired, haggard building superintendents, lumbering around my psyche. “What does real estate investing have that I don’t?” mutters the cigar-breathed Stegosaurus.

7 ) Have you ever debated the meaning of life vehemently with someone, only to simply get home and discover that, underneath it all, you were just really horny?

Octa)Gone with the Wind is my favorite book that never mentions the word “octopus.” There are less than you think. Now go start a department about it at a small liberal arts college and leave me ALONE!

9) I want to sponsor a “Me Look-a-Like Contest,” accidentally poison the contestants (“you can never trust these canned fruit punches!”) and never again have to suffer the comment, “you look JUST like this guys I saw the other day!” Ughhhh…

10) Negative Zero

11) A leaf that when held takes you the therapist of your future murderer. The therapist is a picture of chickens mating. How does this help me?

12) It was Miss Scarlet, in the jacuzzi, dying of embarrassment. She had just bet that STUN Lists would fail to be taken seriously by anthropologists from countries that export zucchini. PS: Why is it called “sociology” when it’s the study of your own culture?

The bones you own now are the Christmas ornaments of your next life,

Kreemer “Bust a Go-Go” Bravissimost

1) Please take a moment to evaluate your relationships. I don’t like you, and God isn’t too impressed either.

Where does that leave you? Somewhere between Worried Walrus’ summer house and truth.

2) There’s more to emoticons than meets the eye. Before you stop me,
ask yourself: why do you automatically assume you’re better than penguins?

3) Don’t be emotional. Just spread your legs and be the messiah.

4) “If you can imagine a universe, it exists.”
-Justin Bieber (is a scientist(in another universe(that Justin Bieber’s
grandmother(force-feeds her parrots(mentally), which is to say, she yells things at her parrots
(in her mind)))))

5) “Custodian” is such a better word than “janitor.” Still, using “custodian”
every chance you get won’t change the results of the Civil War. (don’t imagine
playing a flute made of scabs)!

6) Welcome to…Ughtopia! You will notice a pyramid on your right. It
is NOT where Kermit the Frog’s bones reside/I like peanuts. The trees
are made of leather, and the taxi cabs all take you to your favorite
childhood memory.

7) My dentistry skills were amazing, I was a prodigy apprenticing
under Yolence von Savoy in Vienna. The court rumors had me as the next
oral Beethoven. Now I am a ripe helmet inspector in India, with a minor
in hamburglaring. What happened?

greeeeeattttt) now I have to babysit pictures of the Muppet Babies for twelve hours and
the house I’m at only has basic cable. Cue: Suicide.

10) Maybe Powder

11) Electric beds were a bad idea. Just ask the kids of Bereavement, Incorporated.

The kid who looks like Andrew Jackson: what?

The kid who looks like Jimi Hendrix: did you mean electric blankets?

The kid who looks like you: I can teach you about Death.

12) Through not having a vision of Catholic icons, I have failed to
be considered for sainthood. To compensate, I will sponsor a field day
for young men considering the ways of the beast, meaning “centaur camp.”
I am not who you say I am.

The price of sin is being a wheelbarrow in the eternal harvest of delight,

Johans “The Reproductive Organ Donor” McJerusalem

1) “Mocha Suchness is reality…” this is what a caterpillar screamed (human whisper equivalent) at me as I fell into a trance…and all I could think was….”Starbucks takes itself wayyy too seriously.”

2) If time is of the essence, but time doesn’t exist, are fart jokes still funny after college?

3) Maybe one day, we can all be the children of Esophagus. Esophagus, of course, is a medieval clown who doesn’t age. Except with regard to his taste in women. Very lonely is he, for no earthly woman is 907 years old at press time. At least he has discovered that masturbating into a lute gives it a certain “healing tone.”

4) The fifth direction takes you right to the core of the earth. Its path ends in a concrete room with a grandmotherly caterpillar knitting (unrelated to the screaming caterpillar mentioned above). It’s not too hot. Oh, I meant the room…but I guess the caterpillar as well.

5) Frick and Frack are suing everyone for defamation of character. They hate how every time two idiots become friends, a (usually lame) third party will inevitably refer to them at some point as “Frick and Frack.” The real Frick and Frack were Swiss skaters who hated to be photographed near octopuss or anything that resembled octopuss. They have been brought back to life by an anonymous Bill Gates for his “Skating on Thin Ice” tour.

6) Gurgle John was the best crib maker if you didn’t count people over 3 years old. This was in the 1890s, so crib making was different. Usually, babies sleep in cribs. Gurgle John as as idea is experiencing a comeback in the Phillipines, even though he lived in Merry Olde England. Gurgle John t-shirts and sandwiches sell well in the Phillipines. The sandwiches have an image of his face stamped on the bread. Even though he lived to be ninety, he is only remembered for his work as a baby.

7) The first person who thought to say “cheese” when taking a picture died yesterday. He was 207 years old, if you count reincarnation. So, basically, a scorpion died yesterday.

PRESSED FOR TIME) There should be one day a year where humans switch genders in order to “know what it’s like.” Even if that doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’ll still always be Samoan in my mitochondria.

9) There’s a lot of emotion around cereal. Maybe because people associate it with childhood, and, you know, that’s when all the problems start.

“Cereal should not be classified as a food. It’s a state of mind.”

-something a stoned Val Kilmer might say

10) A world where everything The Weekly World News prints becomes true.

11) I’m trying to raise capital for a trendy new ‘net startup: “a Facebook for ants.” If the ants market doesn’t work, woodland creatures are a backup. So far, Kenny Rogers (my only potential investor) isn’t calling back. I guess yodeling lessons are that important to him. NO PUNCHLINE!

12) Failure to Thrive syndrome is what happens to babies when you don’t touch them (they die), /or/ what happens to a tuba after its owner is caught soliciting prostitutes outside of the Vatican. Either way, eagle-flavored ice cream will never exist.

It’s time to “re-crucify” myself,

Baron “The Lawless Neptune” von Stildegroat

1) Yeth… Excuse me, I had cotton in my mouth. By cotton I mean a Taiwanese child’s mixed feelings towards his arranged marriage. That’s a lot to swallow, but I’m a throat doctor.

2) Please don’t blush. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Well, actually, I am Robinson Crusoe. Actually, I do not know who that is..  in fact, the only thing I’m good at is faking my way through a good education. Let’s go watch Splash.

3) You’ve never been to a Yentzo tournament? Sit down and let me explain/plode. Yentzo began in the Middle Ages. Are you familiar with jousting? Excellent. It’s like that, but a) replace the horses with polar bears b) replace the knights with child television stars c) replace armor with powder d) replace the lances with lawsuits and e) heat at 450 C for three hours.

4) Bono Petite. This is why the lead singer of U2 is mono-name-(suffix) and why he never followed his dreams of applying for culinary school.

Upon finding the above joke mediocre, please take solace in the fact that I will be sent to face the firing squad at high noon tomorrow. Granted, the guns are loaded with earthworms, but (Q:) who’s counting?

(A:) Gunther McBreathesaLot. A new face in the frozen fools industry.
Gunther: God gave me a gift. I BREATHE!
Barbara Walters: Everyone breathes.
Gunther: Wait…   what?

5) I can’t complain. My life is pretty good. But sometimes I ask “why?” Why, God, is my guardian angel/ fairy godmother an octopus man? Everyone else has normal looking angels and fairies. Billy down the street, his fairy godmother is kinda hot. I saw her. He says she gave him a handjob once, but I don’t know if I believe him. But mine, well, he’s an octopus man. He smokes bad cigars and farts a lot. He tells me about the war. I don’t even know which one he’s talking about. But, things are pretty good. So, good night, God. I love you.

6) One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready?! Wait. You get ready AFTER going to the show? How did Aristotle miss this? I know, I think too much. It’s the Russian in me. Really, a Russian is inside me right now! And he’s small! (Rimshot(s are for assholes)).

7) The USDA says thinking too much about beef on your birthday is bad. I tend to agree. Also, this veal is tender. So there you go. And if you call now, you’ll get a cool Poison hat, poster and sunglasses, absolutely free!

Groucho) Don Juan. No? Think about it. I like brain paintings.

9) I am working on bringing the Constitution to life, much like Frankenstein. Please don’t laugh. The Fourth Amendment has a degree in jiujitsu.

10) Steel-Tipped Space Boots

11) To Victor goes the spoiled groceries. Just keep smiling, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
(If your name is Victor I bet you have a mustache)

12) And so, I proclaim, summer stun season is here! Heed me, I am a veteran and a failure. Take time in the rice paddies before entering my home (-o erotic version of a bathroom).

This life to live is such the glib that spoiler’s be warned o’ me boots,
Tip “the glass menage-a trois” Lanbruckyular

1) Just as I was getting ready to perch upon my stove and inseminate a crown roast, the phone rang. It was your mother. This is not a therapy session.

2) I need to feel bad for myself. That’s what I’m going as for Saint Patrick’s Day. Me Feeling Bad For Myself. Introducing me to men with women’s names makes me feel bad for THEM. Get creative!  Like,  remind me I can only half-define “detente.”

3) When I was five, and people referred to my bowels, I began to think my intestines looked like the basement of the building I lived in. I pictured little work men in there maintaining my body like I was a giant robot…
…sometimes, when you’re alone, do you ever get womb envy?

4) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello Starving Yenta Avenue.

5) The womb is metaphysical. The uterus is very physical. (See Eastern European scumbag boasting “I like to get lots of uterus.”)  They refer to the same thing but they are not the same thing. It’s like post-coital depression: you either get it or you  don’t.

6) “me and mussolini”

me and mussolini

sitting in a tree

talking detente and shit

won’t you be the tea cup on my coffee table

I want to see what it’s like

with a black girl

me and mussolini

Astrally projecting to Jupiter (‘s energy fields)

Wake up and smell the poor

I’m better than Chaucer

7) Construction man, do you DEstuct a woman’s self esteem when she walks by?

(five minutes of lesbians snoring and bongos)

Please make sure you cat call to everyone. Don’t haaaaate.

Elvis) is the Artist formerly mistaken as king. Chuck Berry is rolling in his bath of mint julups. Don’t haaaaate. I have the Elephant Man’s spirit in my cane.

9) Eggplant martinis did nothing for Val Kilmer’s hospitality. His house is walking on stilts, I am walking on sunshine, and the AIDS walk tomorrow is jokeularistically untouchable.

10) Time-released orgasms

11) Thrilled to Be Here: I am the living embodiment of Joy.

Thrilled to be Herd:  Shepherds peaked 1000 years ago.

Thrilled to be in Her: This joke would be obvious, IF you don’t know someone who knows someone in a fledgling band named “Her,” (like I actually do, though I understand no one reads these to learn anything new) who will go on to sell an album for every keystroke I struck while writing Stun Lists…. including deletes!

…One day, someone will indeed profit from the things I DIDN’T write. I am the Miles Davis of lying.

12) Besame mucho= kiss me a lot.

Butterfly kiss my ass. That means open and shut your eyes, close to my backside, so the eyelashes touch my ass.  In explaining the joke, I have failed to meet its expectation…

“Brevity is the soul of wit”  -Mom

“Butterfly kiss my clitoris on the way out.”- Shakespeare

Finding new ways to become invisible at Halloween “functions,”

Liquid Nitrogen Pellets “david” O’thoroughfare

Come on) My face isn’t perfect, but neither is Brad Pitt’s copy of The Bible/La Biblia/Los Angeles.