Planet of the Grapes

1) I call my secretary “Left Brain, Obey!” He’s a genius at estate taxes, but can’t get over the fact that I didn’t masturbate to mental images of girls I personally knew while a youth. My sexual imagination, like the rest of my mind was “born 33,” which has nothing to do with Jesus’ death, something to do with the number three, and, yep, there it is, everything has to be in threes. So, do you girls (I mean women) like each other? You know, like like…?

12) I have a love/hate relationship with grocery stores. They are the great equalizer. I mean, we all have to eat. I always make friends there, but they’re never sexual prospects. I always shop hungry, then regret how much money I just spent. I always hide STUN Lists in the produce, but no one has ever called to say they appreciated it and “get it.” I guess I have failed to be the poet laureate of the Bronx. Maybe I should just shoot a cop.

The circus was in town, but no one told me for fear I’d run away with them,
Japeto “The Eagle of Madison Avenue” DeToilette

1) I’m taking my Paris equivalency test. I want to see how many bars from the Eiffel Tower correspond with patterns in my DNA. Some French guy told me that the “D” in my DNA stands for denial, and the people at Fox News won’t return my calls because it’s “so obvious” that I was supposed to be born in France and yet somehow landed in the Bronx. All this makes me want to do is establish a new country whose motto is “brevity is the soul of wit, ” but I never have enough time to work on it.

2) Who am I? Why are we here? Who ordered the turkey club with no mayo and extra lettuce?

These things went through my mind when I interned at a prestigious New York delicatessen (Krebner Leibovitz & Iscariot). Then I got a real job as a “model model”…I’d teach models how to not be themselves (and thus model successfully). This is what the unborn Olsen triplet and I refer to as being “so close, yet so far”…

3) Being that the slash (/) is right next to the period (.) on the keyboard, I sometimes think I type an ellipses, also known as “dot dot dot” (…),
only to find I have done this: ///.  However, I hereby propose a new punctuation in English grammar that utilizes three slashes. It can be called the “elvis” and be used as a shortcut when anyone in a story leaves the scene, especially while using their hips in a creative way.
EXAMPLE:
“Oh, shit, Larry, you left the parrot’s cage open!”
///
“He was a great parrot…too bad he’s gone now.”
“Yeah…are you a boy or a girl?”

4) The trans fats in this donut are going straight to my hips, but this napkin is going str8 to my lips (it was, after all, a powdered donut)…
I have the metabolism of a classically-trained rhino.

5) Helmets, obviously, peaked in the ’80s. This had a lot to do with Nintendo, and nothing to do with junk bonds. Many Nintendo games involved a helmet that could turn you into different things, like an eagle, a lamp shade, or a guy who claims to know more about UV rays than he actually does. Regardless, priests wearing helmets for any reason remain irrationally humorous to me, as do winning lottery numbers hidden in coconuts.

6) What if ceilings had breasts?

7) I’ve Been Known to Eat Dinner at Midnight, while accurate, is a terrible name for my autobiography, but I’m not writing it. RuPaul is, so I have to just listen to the publisher. I’ve actually outsourced most aspects of being myself  by now so that I can, you know, do coke till 9am every day in L.A. If I’ve been having a lot of “deep” conversations with you recently, “I” apologize…”Guitar Me” is under repair so “Philosophy Me” had to pick up the slack. Obviously, all of these “Me’s” are really young Mongolian boys and their sheep-herding fathers. Including the present author. Please help us, the real author is a raving ///

(…sorry… I got distracted by an argument over whether goats have free will).

D)e Tour. Switch your gender.

9) Anger is a gift. Unfortunately, I got it from someone I had given it to last year, and thus was “re-gifted.” Do you know what contempt sounds like just by shaking the box?

10) Porn filmed in the center of tornadoes.

11) “I’ve come to realize certain things are not crutches, but more accurately can be described as having “joke tenure.” Gnomes, for example. The word “moccasins” turns my skeleton to weak glass during that brief sweet moment in which it is uttered, making me feel on the brink of collapse and destruction, at its mercy. Cows, chickens, walruses, and even lobsters have seen better days (ah, youth), but still I find inherently ridiculous. Goats will always be there (the marriage of the word itself with the thought of the beast it denotes a potent combination)…

…some men look to past lovers with this kind of adoration, melancholy, and awe…and I…I have but this…please tighten the noose even more…thank you” ///
-Alexander the Great’s last words

12) Actual letter from my internet service provider:
“Feel free to print my name. You peaked a year and a half ago.
Now these things are just uninspired, but, you know, you need content for your website. Focus on a career.”
-The Failure Police

My afternoons are a cross between pharmacy small talk and sadness,
Proton “The sauce is never done” Variables

1) The task is complete. Now to begin my French translation of “War and Peace.” Though I know nothing of war, French, or Tolstoy. But I am sure the God of Grammar shall smile upon me. Note: When I refer to “licking carpet,” I of course am referring to an oral fixation to floor decorations.

2) 32% of a squid’s brain is permanently focused on the end of days and whether (s)he will get into heaven. I stopped feeling well around the 8th grade.

3) People talk about some men being lifesized Ken dolls. Jokes about private parts aside, does that mean said men have hard, plastic shells and limited range of mobility with their limbs? Are there support groups for people who can’t bend their legs? And how can I get in on that? I need to tap some rigid hind.

4) 2 bottles of whiskey
1 turnip
a handful of cat vomit
.2% of the parchment of the Declaration of Independence

stir until angry

-Julia Child’s recipe for making wind

5) Of all the things I’ve lost, I really need to take inventory. Keys, wallets, wills, Willis’s joints (bones)… the list would go on if I were to write it. Again, see St1n (pronounced “Stwun”) about my knowledge of Tolstoy: none.

A. Maher : “Show all work!”
B. Maher: “Don’t be such a pussy! Try pussy!”

6) Presenting the Planet of the Grapes planet! We flew to Jupiter and poured 52.3 trillion gallons of Hi-C Grape DRINK, not juice, into the atmosphere and renamed it. What depression? We have a purple planet! Let’s partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

7) The Fax Thief sneaks into your house at night, scans your face while you’re sleeping and faxes it to his mother. This is how he mates.

L)eggs . I used to think Leggs were supposed to be edible, but if you planted them in the ground legs would grow from them. Now I know I’m right.

9) When it says “Use as directed,” that means you’re supposed to have somebody direct you into using it. This counts for all subsequent doses. Actors don’t just film the rest of the movie after two days of working with the director. The ones who do are usually called Scientologists.

10) The first orgasm

11) Bagels are poisonous. Don’t let them bite you.

12) Now that I’ve failed my flying chair pilot test, I’m going to invent a new number. Goals!

He pees on you,

The wind XOXO

1) There’s a lot that can be learned from Disney Channel shows. The first thing I’d like to point out, not that it’s obvious, is that if you analyze the rhythm of cuts from one shot to the next in any Disney Channel show, it’s Morse Code stating that “dieting is for the weak.” Oh, I see a hand in the back.
Yes, you…Judas Iscariot? You have a question?

Judas: I would like to transfer to Professor Ugluliat’s class on Mime Theory.

Me: (secreting fake blood from my eyeballs): Very well.

2) Yesterday, I bought “Lottery Bonds.” They guarantee that the lottery numbers I play will be the winning numbers in a lottery somewhere on Earth within the next five thousand years. Nooowwww will you let me marry your mother, or what?

3) The wheels on the bus go round and round, but did you know the Earth is about to have a heart attack? It can’t just keep spinning.
Earth: “I give and I give…”

4) Charles de Gaulle: “This is becoming a comment-driven STUN.”

RoboCop (turning over a newly-formed leaf): I find this de-Gaulling!

Author: Okay, it’s time that this stops.

(Author steps into a wrestling ring with his Imagination).

Author: What? How can you be separate than me?

Author’s Imagination (taking the form of young Jane Seymour): Let’s do it.

(Ten minutes later…)

Author: Okay, let’s write number 5.

5) The King of Jerusalem is a mediocre nickname for a flag football champion.

6) Mimes have invisible excretory systems. Miners are invisible except for their excretory systems.

Children, what is the cause, and what is LaTrec?

7) On the other side of the earth at any given moment is someone who looks exactly like you, but is a trumpet virtuoso. Perez Hilton always tries to make the connecting flight that will allow him to meet said doppelganger, but he gets held up at the airport due to “9/11 conspiracy checks.”

Cue) pigeons. They fly in, shit on your hot dog, and fly out. Now what kinds of friends are these?

Sixth pigeon from the front: “With friends like these, who needs to own real estate?”

(At this point a Bobble Head of God falls from the sky and immediately catches fire upon hitting the ground. The once-laughing pigeons are now serious).

9) My mother says I am an angel with wings clipped. My father said I remind him of a younger Zeus. The lady at the supermarket called the police when I made the innocent comment “those pomegranates look juicy.” It was in jail, however, that I discovered The Brother’s Grimm, Volume II, hidden in a wall. Would you like me to read a passage? Very well. This is from “The Boy Who Didn’t Study Real Estate Laws:”

Lepuso, a village boy who loved straw hats, was invited to the duke’s castle to discuss an internship program. On his way, Lepuso met a witch promising him three wishes if he “gave her a little nut.” Lepuso always carried almonds on him (rich in antioxidants) and gave the witch one. She said “that’s not what I had in mind, you sloth,” but had to grant him the wishes.” When his first wish was that the witch had all the nuts she so pleased, the witch wept out of Lepuso’s selflessness, and at that exact moment, the universe ended.

10) Implied Intercourse

11) “Domination Donkey” was a super-hero in Malaysian folklore until American taste was recently imported. Whenever you see Superman chatting up some paralegal at a bar, colonialism is not far off…

12) So, what’s “Fail Blog?”

Henry Kissinger: “You know what Fail Blog is, Jared. You’re just trying to write an easy number 12. PS: your grandmother was a lioness.”

I am Two Armed and Too Slick for the Majority of America,

Love,

Jared (ripping off Brad(‘s skin))

1) The inside of a shark’s mouth holds many mysteries. For example, the 11th Commandment, the second half of the Declaration of Independence, and various Muppet x-rays were recently found in one. Another contained alternate lyrics to 1950s hit song “Yakety Yak,” as well as an abnormally intelligent sting ray. When asked why he preferred leftist politics, the sting ray made an off-color remark about the film Beetlejuice and then gave this reporter a sound beating.

The Jackson 5 Weekly newspaper said last week: “The moral of the story is that there are no morals.”

2) My ribs are made of satin. My nipples are silk worms. Compose them.

3) Scenario A: Now that my cage is built, why don’t you get into it? I will experiment on your ability to be attracted to men named Apu.

Scenario B: I am the rat and you are electricity. Let’s be romantick and drink each other’s blood.

Experiment More on Doves: For each leg hair I own, dress up a lizard as a Catholic priest and play Truth or Dare. The smaller the lizard, the more rosary bead stock you will be forced to buy….

4) Across the street from the prepubescent boy with a lemonade stand, right next to the entrance to the modeling agency that handles the Victoria’s Secret account, I set up a nifty stand of my own. The sign read: “Attention Ladies: Mustache Rides- 5 cents.” (apparently this used to work for Tom Selleck). I even drew one of the “s”‘s backwards to be cute. The ladies just gawked as they walked by…

…then I realized when I got home that I had shaved the night before.
I proceeded to weep.
Aunt Eunice: “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on! Now bring me another dwarf…”

5) I have exact replicas of Fred Savage’s hair at every age. I can put on the wigs reflecting his different eras
and wonder if he’s the type that “gets” Monica Lewinsky.

6) It’s good to find the “clitoris” of certain things. For example, the soft, golden part of a piece of pound cake on the top (always the best bite) is that piece of pound cake’s clitoris. Predictably, for many household appliances, it’s the “on” button. For most stuffed animals, it’s the belly button. Remember, the clitoris of an object isn’t always overtly sexual: it’s the object’s spiritual center. I like to think that my clitoris is my eyebrows. What do you think?

7) I get paid by the keystroke.

Dead) last in the David Bowie look-alike contest yet again!
Mr. T (while putting a gorilla in a headlock): “Is it too late to become a mime?”

9) Somehow, I became known as “The Will Smith of Korea,” without being Korean or even Will Smith. Even so, joking about being “out of the will” because I had sex with a girl of a different race/religion/sense of humor is still quite dishonorable while dining with my Korean mistress’ parents.

10) Saber-toothed parrots.

11) For my Qth birthday, I would like the red part of the light spectrum.

12) To love is divine, to err is animalistic, to automatically get semi-hard at the mere sound of a computer turning on is “problematic” (Freud, The Conflicted Socialite, pp. 16-1876). Again and again I fail to visualize world peace on “Visualize World Peace Day.” Is it possible to be successful at being a failure?

When the diamond mines are empty, start organizing the love police,
Quest “The Lucky Leprechaun” Lifechaser

1) “Where oh where are the potato shavings? I shall use them to predict your future. Some use crystal balls, some tea leaves, others egg yolks…and I, this. Oh, I see. You want to marry a bison? We can’t cater to your kind here. What? Oh. Haha. Funny. You think that you will find anyone willing to be your lawyer? Civil rights? Please. Oh wait, you’ve had a successful vasectomy? (Pause) Let me get one? I’m sorry for the confusion. I’ll buy you an egg cream and we can forgive each other’s past indiscretions…”

-from King Kong’s monologue for the Juilliard audition (he didn’t get in)

2) Just because I have electobronkiatus, which is a fear of the atmosphere, does not mean that I am a lesser person than you. I simply must wait to be crowned Husband of All French Women.

3) Patrick Duffy came to me in a dream. He was dripping with anticipation. There’s apparently a new strawberry substitute that tastes “just like real strawberries.” (source: Vogue). Patrick Duffy loves strawberries. The funny thing is, I know this, but we’ve never met. What’s funnier is that if you finish reading this line…(I’m giving you a chance here)…you have to be the new president of his fan club. For life. No takebacks.

4) Curly hair is a sign of nervous intelligence. That’s why I always have 5 sheep with me no matter where I go. They’re meticulous personal assistants. And they always have a great way of fitting into conversation the comment that sneezes are the equivalent to 10% of an orgasm’s release.

5) Be careful of purchasing real estate from anyone who calls himself “Hillbilly Jim” and/or shows up to meetings wearing overalls made entirely of cold sore shavings. He passed the bar exam in seven states and is, in fact, being lazy. Please call his mother’s cell phone (dial “Ocean 9″) and have her text Hillbilly Jim a guilt trip.

6) Less sense me beat. Decode the phrase in 0.2 lightyears and you win my destiny. Just please don’t make me a lab rat. I hate yodeling.

7) I have two rings that interconnect magically when I am standing on the border of two U.S. states. Obviously, this makes each state’s laws null and void when the judges try to convict me for parachuting nude into an abortion clinic and distributing outdated communist paraphenalia (signed by Lenin). As long as I landed on the border initially, and am wearing the rings above my waist, I’m okay. As for Lenin…the jury’s still out (makes a loose wrist gesture while taking another sip of a Windex julep)

J) Edgar Hoover Was not funny. The sooner you realize this, the
better equipped you will (o) be when you step into the ring with Al
Pacino at Wrestlemania in the Soliloquy of Death Intercontinental
Steel Boot Match. Vince McMahon is never wrong! (about geography)!

9) Gondwanland will be my first pick as a destination once they invent time travel (and the requisite time travel agencies that will follow). I hear Pangea gets too muggy and the natives make the drinks very weak yet expect large tips and percentages of your Roth IRA. Perhaps I can find a nice light skinned man there and bring him home for Thanksgiving so that my parents can stop asking me why I’m not gay.

10) Frozen hair gel, in the desert, being lonely.

11) The Blue Lagoon is where me and the fish and the lepers hang out and

invent false card games. You need an ID or an ego to get in.

Fortunately, my aides brought along a copy of the “Intermediate Ninja Moves” DVD, so it was “all good,” as the white people say.

12) Monopoly game pieces litter the floor of my bedroom. I simply cannot beat Willem Dafoe. He always comes back out of nowhere and gets all of the good hotels. Failure may be imminent, but at least I learned from Mr. Dafoe the fine art of matching your silk bathrobe with the furniture in your bedroom. Perhaps, one day, I too shall “arrive,” as the rich folks say…

When in Rome, screw.
-The Luscious Half-Sister of Spiderman Davis

1) Bathing in agony and/or ecstasy, I have become blind in three ways:

-I cannot see fish, or any representation of a fish
-I am not considered attractive by Yugoslavic codes of beauty
-I cannot see inside my throat, thus dashing my dreams of becoming a gift horse.

2) “Purple rain/purple rain
Piglet’s blood/ labor pains
Money’s black/white man’s shame
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson/stares back at me/ in the clean linoleum floors/ of my kitchen”

Re: the above. Prince has been praying up the wrong tree. Recently.

Kanye West: “Funny, the same wrongs help me write the songs!”
Prince: “Stop whining and suck my uterus!”
Nietzsche: “Of course. Now, really… Why am I here?”

(cue the theme of “The Never Ending Story,” sung acapella by a Colombian drug lord’s talented but doomed wife).

3) Thomas has shared his English muffins with too many children. With each muffin eaten, he gains a delusion. He believes, for example, that umbrellas were a conspiracy designed to block rain from seeping into the skull, “God’s detergent for the cerebral cortex.”

Please donate to the high fructose corn syrup debate here:
730127007 Robert Redford’s Weight
Skull Kingdom, FL
Mmmmmbop205

4) Camillaveals (n.): statues who are afraid of the delete button and everything it represents.

PLEASE USE IN A SENTENCE

Sentence: “These camillaveals are making me horny”

Michael Jackson: “I didn’t do it!”

5) My mother gave me “Personality Grades” every three months during my youth.
A sampling from Period Two of Year Ten:

Ability to carry on entire conversations in the second person: C+

Abstract thinking about deep space: D

David Bowie impression: F

During parent-teacher conferences, my mother would lick vodka off of a mirror and yell at herself

6) The Yakluzanot Brothers (accent on the LOOZ) have challenged my great-grandfather to the
200th power (a swordfish, or, for those of you who don’t believe in evolution, Abel) and I to an “African Night Shade” contest.

Such a contest requires that you successfully get permission from an attractive woman
to pop any blackheads she may have on her face.
The hotter the woman, the more hate mail you receive from men who claim to be feminists.
And I’ll let Gonzo take the rest so as to avoid bags of hate mail being dumped
on my doorstep daily:

Gonzo: “Fine, I’ll say it you weakling. Men who write feminist literature are like all other men, except for some godforsaken reason, they have a dry pussy fetish. There, I said it. And fuck the Yakluzanot Brothers. They owe me two hundred rubies.

7) CUT TO: INT. High School Gymnasium
Gonzo is being crucified as the half time show for Grover Washington High’s semi-final
basketball game against A.C. Milan

Gonzo( on a roll): “And another thing…Jared’s father is a ghost!”
(Grover Washington’s skeleton at this point accentuates the preceding statement by
jumping off of a trampoline and performing a reverse slam dunk).

Marv Albert: “And the audience is going into hysterics…they are
canceling their New Yorker subscriptions in order to have
more money for Playstation games!”

(At this point, a mascot representing Truth orders another cranberry juice)

GONZO IS RAISED FROM THE DEAD)

In the third installment of our Gonzo followings, the present author
does this resurrection  in order to not, ultimately, punish Gonzo for his remarks, because
“Punishment is soooo passe.”
-Britney Spears’ suppressed intelligence (could compose music as well as Mozart had, if only we were already in the Age of Aquarius).

9) The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is having many problems with his new roommate,
The Lazy Kreem Filled Croissant Boy. Semen samples have confirmed that Stay Puft
has been masturbating not out of lust, but out of rage. Here’s what a hidden canary overheard at
their shared duplex:

Stay Puft: “I just don’t GET you!”
Lazy Kreem: “Let’s throw I Ching coins to find out when the sun will implode…”
Stay Puft: “Do you work!?”
Lazy Kreem (momentarily distracted by a piece of lint): “Mmmmm…the year 500 billion…”

(Further data was lost after the canary saw that a documentary about euthanasia was playing on a TV in an apartment across the way and decided to fly over)

10) Public Hair

11) Valley Girls who get STUNs are like camillaveals who can impregnate regular statues.

(written in pink on a hot pigeon’s ass): It. Just. Doesn’t. Happen.

12) The Universe doesn’t like you. Have you tried the Sorbet? The Failure Flavor should suit you and your (barely unattractive) spouse perfectly.

The man at the Pasta Factory is my Mom’s “Special Sleepover Friend,”
Doris “Diamond” RedaJ