Planet of the Grapes

Interior Detonator #BadBandNames

2245 Broadway (at 80th Street)

Zabar’s bills itself as “New York’s Epicurean Emporium.” Taking the “epicurean” term in its broader sense, we showed up in togas expecting an orgy, but were stared down by seventy year old women fighting over nova lox, promptly dashing such hopes. However, upon finding that the word primarily implies indulging in the sensual pleasures of food, we still felt right at home and signed up for all of the newsletters anyway.

For the unanointed, Zabar’s is an Upper West Side institution that is both a grocery and a cafe; we found the bathroom in the cafe. Naturally, there was a long line of patrons waiting to order their fresh croissants and coffee at the counter, but we spied an inconspicuous door all but hidden by the refrigerator. Lo and behold, here was the pseudo-mythical Zabar’s bathroom. It’s the size of a closet and located in a place which suggests that knowledge of its presence is a secret privilege passed along amongst the Zabar’s regulars. The mere fact that we are writing this review may jeopardize our ability to buy some of the best over-the-counter caviar in the city, but it’s a risk we’re willing to take.

The interior presents a decent enough experience, at least when taking into consideration the bathroom’s apparent stature of being an afterthought. Toilet paper was running dangerously low, but other than that, the paper towels and soap were well stocked, and hot water assures that the guys behind the counter are also washing their hands the right way. This facility was not dirty but worn (insert joke about female celebrity here). The globe of a light, somewhat resembling a miniature sun (and thankfully not nearly as hot) provided some character and perhaps acts as something of an oracle for those wondering if the Zabar’s employees are really telling the truth about how fresh the sable is. A cane in the corner prompted us to leave a sign whose message usually applies to the jars of pennies sometimes found on stores’ counter tops: “if you have a cane, leave a cane…if you need a cane, take a cane.” Apparently, Zabar’s is well aware of its strongest demographics. For the kid in us, the store’s alarm system (brought to you by Holmes Security Systems) complete with a keypad rife for tampering, was left in plain sight. Perhaps that’s why the bathroom’s existence is kept hush hush. Needless to say, we waltzed into the store later that night after closing hours and stole all of the salmon we could get our hands on.

Rating: 5.5

Blue is overrated as a favorite color.

PS Tomato Sauce and ovaries don’t mix

Leon Tolstoy #BadBandNames

Juice Unit #BadBandNames

1) I’m working on my follow up to Atlas Shrugged, entitled Prometheus Could
Care Less. Okay, not the follow up, but a follow up. It’s about a leprechaun
who cross dresses…but I never specify the gender of the leprechaun.
I know dude, right?…inSANE!!

2) The Deathwish films were underrated in Switzerland. Figures,
seeing as how the Swiss are weak (no war? what the hell?). I wonder, though,
how often the word “mountain” figures into their sexual slang.

As in… “hey babe, wanna go up the mountain?”
Goat: “can I watch?”
A male Gnome running out of a tree, his green facial mask still on: “That’s my line!”

3) Hulk Hogan and Mr. Rogers are the same species.
But no matter what you say to me, “penis” is a weak word…

4) “Rock. Paper. Scissors…
shoot me in the face with an elephant rifle.”
(the above is the exact statement Jackson Pollock gave in People’s Court
when he was tried for “What Were You Thinking?”)

5) Cream Cheese sandwiches are not healthy. However, explosion sandwiches are.
And now, class, close your books. This is a pop quiz on the atomic structure of bear ejaculate.

6) “Classless.” That’s what the newspaper, Babies, Daily said about my use of the word
“skillz” in my application to run for President of a local grocery store.

7) The Karate Kid films tell the story of War And Peace backwards…
There goes another kid who’s confused about Fat Albert’s sexuality.

Leon) Tolstoy never had an easy break. He never got that green cape for Christmas…
the one that would turn him into a house so that he didn’t have to be in the circus anymore.
AT LEAST he got the bath towel that always tell you exactly how many people are currently at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

9) Pasteurization is an oft-misunderstood process. Did you know that tiny caterpillars wearing miner’s hats actually vacuum all of the bad stuff out of the milk? It’s truth. And yet….clams.

10) It’s always Zero o’clock.

11) Mechanical popcorn….mmmmitochondria! (exist)

12) Coyotes have settled down to become investment bankers. They enjoy starched white shirts,
early evening cocktails when not at the office, and frequently reminding me that STUN Lists
have “failed to make a sizable indentation in the Chinese market.” Whatever you say, coyotes…
I can’t tell you apart.

Love is only a foot massage away,
Dustin “Grapewrath Unlimited” Kilzenberry