Planet of the Grapes

1) I’m taking my Paris equivalency test. I want to see how many bars from the Eiffel Tower correspond with patterns in my DNA. Some French guy told me that the “D” in my DNA stands for denial, and the people at Fox News won’t return my calls because it’s “so obvious” that I was supposed to be born in France and yet somehow landed in the Bronx. All this makes me want to do is establish a new country whose motto is “brevity is the soul of wit, ” but I never have enough time to work on it.

2)  Who am I? Why are we here? Who ordered the turkey club with no mayo and extra lettuce?

These things went through my mind when I interned at a prestigious New York delicatessen (Krebner Leibovitz & Iscariot). Then I got a real job as a “model model”…I’d teach models how to not be themselves (and thus model successfully). This is what the unborn Olsen triplet and I refer to as being “so close, yet so far”…

3) Being that the slash (/) is right next to the period (.) on the keyboard, I sometimes think I type an ellipses, also known as “dot dot dot” (…),
only to find I have done this: ///.  However, I hereby propose a new punctuation in English grammar that utilizes three slashes. It can be called the “elvis” and be used as a shortcut when anyone in a story leaves the scene, especially while using their hips in a creative way.
EXAMPLE:
“Oh, shit, Larry, you left the parrot’s cage open!”
///
“He was a great parrot…too bad he’s gone now.”
“Yeah…are you a boy or a girl?”

4) The trans fats in this donut are going straight to my hips, but this napkin is going str8 to my lips (it was, after all, a powdered donut)…
I have the metabolism of a classically-trained rhino.

5) Helmets, obviously, peaked in the ’80s. This had a lot to do with Nintendo, and nothing to do with junk bonds. Many Nintendo games involved a helmet that could turn you into different things, like an eagle, a lamp shade, or a guy who claims to know more about UV rays than he actually does. Regardless, priests wearing helmets for any reason remain irrationally humorous to me, as do winning lottery numbers hidden in coconuts.

6) What if ceilings had breasts?

7) I’ve Been Known to Eat Dinner at Midnight, while accurate, is a terrible name for my autobiography, but I’m not writing it. RuPaul is, so I have to just listen to the publisher. I’ve actually outsourced most aspects of being myself  by now so that I can, you know, do coke till 9am every day in L.A. If I’ve been having a lot of “deep” conversations with you recently, “I” apologize…”Guitar Me” is under repair so “Philosophy Me” had to pick up the slack. Obviously, all of these “Me’s” are really young Mongolian boys and their sheep-herding fathers. Including the present author. Please help us, the real author is a raving ///

(…sorry… I got distracted by an argument over whether goats have free will).

D)e Tour. Switch your gender.

9) Anger is a gift. Unfortunately, I got it from someone I had given it to last year, and thus was “re-gifted.” Do you know what contempt sounds like just by shaking the box?

10) Porn filmed in the center of tornadoes.

11)  “I’ve come to realize certain things are not crutches, but more accurately can be described as having “joke tenure.” Gnomes, for example. The word “moccasins” turns my skeleton to weak glass during that brief sweet moment in which it is uttered, making me feel on the brink of collapse and destruction, at its mercy. Cows, chickens, walruses, and even lobsters have seen better days (ah, youth), but still I find inherently ridiculous. Goats will always be there (the marriage of the word itself with the thought of the beast it denotes a potent combination)…

…some men look to past lovers with this kind of adoration, melancholy, and awe…and I…I have but this…please tighten the noose even more…thank you” ///
-Alexander the Great’s last words

12) Actual letter from my internet service provider:
“Feel free to print my name. You peaked a year and a half ago.
Now these things are just uninspired, but, you know, you need content for your website. Focus on a career.”
-The Failure Police

My afternoons are a cross between pharmacy small talk and sadness,
Proton “The sauce is never done” Variables

A male wolf who dresses like female humans, Lotharius, calls to explain why he does so. Somehow, a plan to turn Nebraska into a pool figures into his goals. His interview prompts a call from Link of The Legend of Zelda fame, who apparently has also dealt with cross-dressing and transgender issues himself.

Two morning drive DJs from a Vancouver radio station perform an “FCC Hijack.” Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio call POTG Radio while simultaneously airing the conversation on their own show. The POTG Radio hosts agree to let Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio psychoanalyze Grimace and Lotharius the Transvestite Wolf, who were on the POTG Radio phone before the morning jocks called.

Upon the request of one Dr. Frank N. Furter of Rocky Horror fame, disgruntled ex-Muppet and POTG Radio’s favorite rhymer, Gonzo, is called. At first, Gonzo resists the phone call because he’s having “me time.” He’s celebrating the anniversary of breaking free from Nanny, the caregiver who watched over the Muppets when they were babies. He stays on long enough to discuss his dispute with Harvey Keitel, his several homes, and Frank’s upcoming Halloween party.

Also, a conversation with Grimace reveals why he recently had plastic surgery.

Upon the request of one Dr. Frank N. Furter of Rocky Horror fame, disgruntled ex-Muppet and POTG Radio’s favorite rhymer, Gonzo, is called. At first, Gonzo resists the phone call because he’s having “me time.” He’s celebrating the anniversary of breaking free from Nanny, the caregiver who watched over the Muppets when they were babies. He stays on long enough to discuss his dispute with Harvey Keitel, his several homes, and Frank’s upcoming Halloween party.

Two morning drive DJs from a Vancouver radio station perform an “FCC Hijack.” Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio call POTG Radio while simultaneously airing the conversation on their own show. The POTG Radio hosts agree to let Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio psychoanalyze Grimace and Lotharius the Transvestite Wolf, who were on the POTG Radio phone before the morning jocks called.

6 Union Square East

Since the late 1990s it seems there has been a growing number of food chains that seek to defy the fast food stigma by offering classier fare like pastries, soups, dolled-up sandwiches, and most importantly, foreign-sounding names. Au bon Pain is at the forefront of the movement with several locations throughout the city.

We were directed to the “additional seating” area after asking for the restroom (and again, we did not buy anything, as we seek to find restrooms the pedestrian can use for free). A few cramped tables in a narrow hallway in the back constituted this “additional seating,” and seeing as how this Au bon Pain is next to Union Square, it’s probably to hide patrons not cool enough to be seen eating by the windows (downtown NY, like high school all over again). We waited in line as employees went in and out of a back storage area, and a large bag of bagels sat there, asking to be taken (we did not, those usually go to shelters). An early warning sign occurred in the form of an unpleasant odor before we even arrived at the restroom. The woman before us actually walked into one of the two “oner” facilities and almost immediately walked back out, shaking her head at us as if to say, “maybe you are braver or stupider than I.” We soon saw the probable cause of her distress: no toilet paper. In certain scenarios, of course, having no toilet paper conjures a similar feeling to being on a life raft in the middle of the ocean and realizing it’s sprung a leak. The puke green-colored door is appropriate when considering the floors and walls evidently do not get cleaned often. This dirty state of affairs is not helped by the fact that the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign is not in front of the sink, but rather, on the wall opposite the sink, and up top near the ceiling. We realized this was starting to affect our impressions of Au Bon Pain beyond their bathrooms, which essentially possessed no character even if they were cleaner and better-stocked. The hair in the sink put things over the top, but at least if it were an employee’s there’s less of a chance it will end up in the food.

Rating: 3.0