Planet of the Grapes

81st Street & Broadway

The age-old question of quality vs. quantity seems to answer itself when you gaze upon any well-known food establishment. A French bistro with a high Zagat’s rating will clearly be concerned with the quality of their presentation. In the case of McDonald’s, who pioneered the “drive-thru within a drive-thru” and added to Webster’s dictionary the term “Super Size,” quality is put on the back burner. While they boast to have sold over 100 trillion trillion hamburgers, anybody who stops to ponder what is in a McDonald’s hamburger gets a look of intestinal discomfort.

Before the economic crunch, when Wall Street denizens did most of their business on a hooker’s back rather than on their own knees, McDonald’s opened a new restaurant every four hours. This much was obvious given their cookie-cutter design and the complete lack of attention spent on the bathrooms. Here it is no different. The gray floor and white wall tiles did little to personify the vibrant logo and imagery of the establishment (though we know that Ronald McD has a lot of skeletons in his closet…and perhaps bathroom). A thin layer of grime covered everything from the ceiling to the toilet, and the full garbage can spilled litter all over the floor. Atop the can was a perilously placed baby diaper, perhaps a baby’s version of “tagging.” The toilet paper dispenser was despicably empty, a cheap shot at people who take too many napkins. Most functionality was intact: the toilet flushed, the soap dispensers spewed new foam soap, and the sink provided hot water…though most would rather take the foam soap and leave than touch the faucet handles. If you dared, a blow dryer would take care of those wet hands for you. And if you work here, a loose tile probably hides a compartment of acne cream to battle your life manning the deep fryer.

Rating: 4

Sir Isaac Newton is asked about his appreciation and intense critiques of diners. This leads POTG Radio to get on the phone with the Roach God and the Lumberjack Chef, two personalities who own what is perhaps the worst diner in America. Part of their furniture includes Bettie Page’s corpse.

From the upcoming full episode, “Bad Science” (24:30-34:39)

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Yahdderman brings the famous purple dinosaur, Barney, into the studio for a live interview. After speaking about some new projects, he’s joined on the phone by the Sun and the Moon. Obviously, Sir Isaac Newton then gets on the phone. After the Sun and Moon get off, Barney discusses the shady lawyer, Barabbas McQueesinought. Mr. Mcqueesinought had swindled Barney and the Chicken McNuggets into paying him for the guarantee to get a phone call through to POTG Radio.

From the upcoming full episode, “Bad Science” (5:02-24:16)

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Queen Mab, who creates everyone’s dreams, calls to celebrate the monumental event where she herself had a dream. In it she was having an intimate moment with Sandman. Sandman calls to explain how things happen, or don’t, in dreams, and that some mythical beings need to eat.

We speak to the Essence of Bad Taste, whose whole existence is to appear in the presence of distasteful images and conversations, among other unsavory events. Piglet gripes about Bad Taste’s constant presence around his motorcycle gang. Gimnael, Grimace’s brother and leader of the motorcycle gang, also joins.

Continuing from the previous segment, Bad Taste, Piglet and Gimnael wax philosophical on the taste and design of Graceland, Elvis’s home in Memphis. This prompts a call from the beyond.

Also, Tiger Woods is turning people into dolphins….

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1) Yeth… Excuse me, I had cotton in my mouth. By cotton I mean a Taiwanese child’s mixed feelings towards his arranged marriage. That’s a lot to swallow, but I’m a throat doctor.

2) Please don’t blush. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Well, actually, I am Robinson Crusoe. Actually, I do not know who that is..  in fact, the only thing I’m good at is faking my way through a good education. Let’s go watch Splash.

3) You’ve never been to a Yentzo tournament? Sit down and let me explain/plode. Yentzo began in the Middle Ages. Are you familiar with jousting? Excellent. It’s like that, but a) replace the horses with polar bears b) replace the knights with child television stars c) replace armor with powder d) replace the lances with lawsuits and e) heat at 450 C for three hours.

4) Bono Petite. This is why the lead singer of U2 is mono-name-(suffix) and why he never followed his dreams of applying for culinary school.

Upon finding the above joke mediocre, please take solace in the fact that I will be sent to face the firing squad at high noon tomorrow. Granted, the guns are loaded with earthworms, but (Q:) who’s counting?

(A:) Gunther McBreathesaLot. A new face in the frozen fools industry.
Gunther: God gave me a gift. I BREATHE!
Barbara Walters: Everyone breathes.
Gunther: Wait…   what?

5) I can’t complain. My life is pretty good. But sometimes I ask “why?” Why, God, is my guardian angel/ fairy godmother an octopus man? Everyone else has normal looking angels and fairies. Billy down the street, his fairy godmother is kinda hot. I saw her. He says she gave him a handjob once, but I don’t know if I believe him. But mine, well, he’s an octopus man. He smokes bad cigars and farts a lot. He tells me about the war. I don’t even know which one he’s talking about. But, things are pretty good. So, good night, God. I love you.

6) One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready?! Wait. You get ready AFTER going to the show? How did Aristotle miss this? I know, I think too much. It’s the Russian in me. Really, a Russian is inside me right now! And he’s small! (Rimshot(s are for assholes)).

7) The USDA says thinking too much about beef on your birthday is bad. I tend to agree. Also, this veal is tender. So there you go. And if you call now, you’ll get a cool Poison hat, poster and sunglasses, absolutely free!

Groucho) Don Juan. No? Think about it. I like brain paintings.

9) I am working on bringing the Constitution to life, much like Frankenstein. Please don’t laugh. The Fourth Amendment has a degree in jiujitsu.

10) Steel-Tipped Space Boots

11) To Victor goes the spoiled groceries. Just keep smiling, I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
(If your name is Victor I bet you have a mustache)

12) And so, I proclaim, summer stun season is here! Heed me, I am a veteran and a failure. Take time in the rice paddies before entering my home (-o erotic version of a bathroom).

This life to live is such the glib that spoiler’s be warned o’ me boots,
Tip “the glass menage-a trois” Lanbruckyular

Continuing from the previous segment, Bad Taste, Piglet and Gimnael wax philosophical on the taste and design of Graceland, Elvis’s home in Memphis. This prompts a call from the beyond.

From the forthcoming full episode, “Combined Hallucinations” ( 29:40 – 40:00 )

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