Planet of the Grapes

151 W. 54th Street between 6th And 7th Aves.

With a restaurant on premises overseen by culinary god/enfant terrible Gordon Ramsey and press promising that its standards will exceed those of even “the most discerning traveler,” the London NYC hotel has much boasting to live up to. One of the worst trends we find in our bathroom reviewing is that a location’s general style and decor will not be reflected in the lavatory. All too often the bathroom’s being regarded as an afterthought is quite apparent, which for us cannot help but detract from our impressions, even when visiting a destination for purposes other than bathroom reviewing (not as rare as you may think). Unfortunately, we see this in many a high end restaurant, but to its credit, the hotel industry on the whole appears more sensitive to the importance of a harmonious and well-designed water closet. Long story short: we entered the London NYC with high expectations.

The first hurdle was understanding the name. What, in particular, does this hotel have to do with London? Is there anything particularly English about it? Aside from a slight accent detected in one of the women at the concierge desk, nothing really. The designer, though, is David Collins, who is Irish-born but works largely in London…and New York. So, perhaps, the hotel’s name is an homage to the man…and if that is the case, we find it fitting, as this rates among the finest bathrooms we have encountered.

Rich browns are the motif here, found in the deep woods and brown marble utilized in the design. We will hereby respectfully decline from noting the particular pitfalls of choosing such a color scheme for lavatories. The resulting hue is one of wealth and comfort, in a fittingly understated way. This is the bathroom of someone who may have recently won the lottery but still realizes that wearing snakeskin pants to the opera is not appropriate. It may not be the august wealth of old money, but it is also not the classless posturings of the nouveau riche. An elegant touch–literally–is found on the hand towels, each inscribed with “London NYC,” just in case you were thinking of stealing them and using them at your next house party. Furthermore, this bathroom provided us with another simple yet often overlooked pleasure: easily dispensed toilet paper. How much time and energy is unnecessarily wasted when one finds oneself pulling out one square at a time because the toilet paper roll is slightly too big for the dispenser? Speaking of the stall experience, long doors add to the privacy one indeed should experience during such personal moments. Sitting in such a stall gives the feeling that you are, for however brief a period, royalty overseeing your small stately domain. Intimate lighting throughout rounds out a tasteful and refined experience. If it were any nicer and were we any crazier, we’d be tempted to eat here. But then, Mr. Ramsey would kill us.

Rating: 8

Do it wise.

PS In 25,000 years my skeleton and your skeleton will be inseparable.

Goatswing   #BadBandNames

1) My electric flute is not plugged in. Electricity and flying don’t mix. Ohhh, that’s what I smell…
burning leather  helmets. Next week, have the minor scale prepared. I know it’s your
second lesson, but you will be headlining at my funeral. So Practice!

2) Somehow I went on a date with three leaves named The Uranium Sisters. They said they wanted to make love after only having one pear juice and vodka each, but I did not know how to make love to leaves…only fuck them. (Thank you Robert deNiro, for all you’ve done.)


3) You are just an ocean of blood in a tiny droplet of sins.


4) I’ve been researching the history of research.

The first “research” mentioned is hereby assigned the variable “Frog”
The second, inner “research” will be assigned the variable “Toad.”


Every moment I live is irony.



5)

hair’s the sunshine
let the daydreams in (equip me for the fall)
wheelbarrows always remain almost funny/slash
I suck at haikus


6) I am a Professor of Truth:
IF LaTruce is white
THEN the Atlantic Ocean is now 2% Minotaur blood
BUT CONVERSELY you are a somewhat attractive lesbian.

7/11) And now, a selection from this month’s Book of the Weak, War and Peace:
“…I was fishing with my uncle. We were fishing in the River Styx. I caught a damned soul. We threw it back, because, you know, I was horny. Anyway, I like limes better than lemons. That’s when I realized I was different from the other boys. That and the scales…”

Tolstoy sucks!

Capitalism) When the cups run out at the convenience store, don’t just stand there, buy stamps and sell them for 20 cents extra!

A bloody Tony the Tiger: “Now we’re talking! De-fense! De-fense!”

9) Bottles and bottles of blood. This is what we found in your
refrigerator. Your refrigerator called us at 11:42 pm. If you had the
appropriate Dr. Dre magnet on your refrigerator, he wouldn’t be such a
traitor.


10) A jetpack that runs on Gnomes’ nightmares.


11) The Magenta Asylum is where myself and Albert Einstein switched genitalia. And you know what? Personality is contained in the genitalia more than you’d think. Thus, this is the first quasi-Einsteinian STUN, as opposed to the upcoming Italian-American atomic bomb. When we drop it over Macy’s, our doctor will simultaneously be ejaculating in Beirut.

PS: The Age of Agrarius (Farming) officially ended when Gossip Girl premiered.


12) I pray, daily, that you will FAIL to remember to breathe in.  But
my religion is SO WEAK!


If I were German, I would be depressed,
Kip “The Oslo Witch Doctor” McPhlooglestein