Planet of the Grapes

Sweatlodge #BadBandNames

2289 Broadway at the corner of 82nd Street

In reviewing the varying Barnes and Nobles of New York City, we are beginning to feel like a writer who is paid well by a publisher and spurned on by a rabid but intellectually challenged fan base to keep writing the same crappy book. Sure, there may well be the next Great American novel somewhere inside, but hey, our hypothetical writer just re-financed the mortgage on that summer home in the Hamptons…so on with the “deep” stories and “surprising” plot twists about lawyers, vampires, secret societies and/or middle aged women coming to grips with the fact that they are not attractive anymore. In reviewing a predictable chain such as Barnes and Noble, we certainly begin to sympathize with all of the authors of pop literature who find themselves taking a languid pause from their typing to stop and ask themselves, “haven’t I written this before?”

Reviewing Barnes and Noble bathrooms have thus become more akin to the study of an author’s oeuvre as opposed to one particular novel. For an establishment that supports a very lax atmosphere where people read for hours on the floor without buying anything, they clearly have a strict policy regarding the design of their bathroom. A dichotomy emerges that was present from our very first Barnes and Noble review: the chain’s stature as a bookseller suggests the progressive spread of ideas, while the uniform bathroom designs imply oppressive state communism.

The telltale signs are all here: a general grey coloring with splashes of green. In this instance they opt for the most popular B&N approach, large square tiles in a checkerboard pattern, colored green and off-white. At least these are not those small square grey tiles we so abhor and that are unfortunately in use at the Union Square B&N. A white brick-like tile on the walls add the slightest signs of life but ultimately remain an incomplete though amidst the otherwise lackluster design. This bathroom also shares the same general level of cleanliness as the others in its chain: not clean, not disgusting. One unfortunate occurrence at the 82nd Street B&N apparently lead to a paper towel dispenser being covered in a dried milky substance…which we are hoping was, um, dried milk. Or, perhaps the magazine section may have gotten a little raunchier since our last visit…

Rating: 4.5

I’m trying to hire Mike Tyson to play the snake in my new Garden of Eden play.

Priority Wheelbarrow #BadBandNames

Casual Dentist #BadBandNames

Pablo Picasso heard POTG Radio talking about him off the air and decided to hijack the episode. It turns out that he has been reincarnated into the body of a talent agent for David Duchovny but still remembers his past life, so it’s made him a little elitist and bitter. Louis Louise calls to take the wind out of his sails. S/he has started a radio therapy show of his/her own, having extensive knowledge of both sexes since s/he changes genders every night at midnight. To make matters more complicated, David Duchovny joins the conversation, detailing his sexual problems.

Ronald McDonald hasn’t appeared in his own commercials in years. So who is it that dons the red ‘fro? The POTG Radio hosts dig a little to find a strange connection with Kurt Russell and a little girl with a mind-reading gang of children.

Ronald’s troubles don’t subside very quickly as the Quaker Oats Man emerges as another “representative” from the McDonald’s commercials. He calls Ronald out on his extravagant life and absence in the commercials while simultaneously claiming he slept with Kurt Russell’s wife. Mickey Andy Charly and Aunt Jemimah quickly call up to join sides in what turns out to be the possible beginning of a food war.

POTG Radio is affiliated with The Hotshot Whiz Kids podcast.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Harlequins in Denial #BadBandNames