Planet of the Grapes

71st Street and Broadway

Stepping into this bathroom reminds us of stepping into Van Gogh’s mind, at least while he was painting landscapes during the day. No, this is not an absinthe hallucination, but rather a very abstract and dare we say clever way of saying that yellow is a predominant color in this bathroom as well as certain paintings by the tortured Dutchman (give Planet of the Grapes money). The warm light invites the user to stay as long as necessary and perhaps contemplate taking up painting. Apparently some patrons have already done so and hung several small canvases featuring flowers and more flowers.

The walls have a brick tile pattern, a safe but respectable choice, and black tiles with a diamond pattern adorn the floors. We’re not quite sure what it is about diamond patterns incorporated into floor tiling in bathrooms, but we find ourselves quite taken with them. For some reason we enjoy stepping on diamonds more than giving them to women…we’ll let the therapists take that one. At the end of the day though, diamond patterns can fancy up a bathroom quicker than a pregnancy can legitimize a marriage (or is the the other way around?). This oner is well stocked and the deluxe soap dispenser spouts a foam soap, as light as it is soft, like washing yourself with Santa’s beard. The only misstep is some grime on the frame of a large and otherwise pleasant mirror. This bathroom will make you feel like a sunflower basking in the rays, a celebration of all things yellow.

Rating: 6.5

We speak to the Essence of Bad Taste, whose whole existence is to appear in the presence of distasteful images and conversations, among other unsavory events. Piglet gripes about Bad Taste’s constant presence around his motorcycle gang. Gimnael, Grimace’s brother and leader of the motorcycle gang, also joins.

From the forthcoming full episode, “Combined Hallucinations” ( 18:00 – 29:43 )

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Queen Mab, who creates everyone’s dreams, calls to celebrate the monumental event where she herself had a dream. In it she was having an intimate moment with Sandman. Sandman calls to explain how things happen, or don’t, in dreams, and that some mythical beings need to eat.

From the forthcoming full episode, “Combined Hallucinations” (00:30 – 17:50)

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1) Just as I was getting ready to perch upon my stove and inseminate a crown roast, the phone rang. It was your mother. This is not a therapy session.

2) I need to feel bad for myself. That’s what I’m going as for Saint Patrick’s Day. Me Feeling Bad For Myself. Introducing me to men with women’s names makes me feel bad for THEM. Get creative!  Like,  remind me I can only half-define “detente.”

3) When I was five, and people referred to my bowels, I began to think my intestines looked like the basement of the building I lived in. I pictured little work men in there maintaining my body like I was a giant robot…
…sometimes, when you’re alone, do you ever get womb envy?

4) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello Starving Yenta Avenue.

5) The womb is metaphysical. The uterus is very physical. (See Eastern European scumbag boasting “I like to get lots of uterus.”)  They refer to the same thing but they are not the same thing. It’s like post-coital depression: you either get it or you  don’t.

6) “me and mussolini”

me and mussolini

sitting in a tree

talking detente and shit

won’t you be the tea cup on my coffee table

I want to see what it’s like

with a black girl

me and mussolini

Astrally projecting to Jupiter (’s energy fields)

Wake up and smell the poor

I’m better than Chaucer

7) Construction man, do you DEstuct a woman’s self esteem when she walks by?

(five minutes of lesbians snoring and bongos)

Please make sure you cat call to everyone. Don’t haaaaate.

Elvis) is the Artist formerly mistaken as king. Chuck Berry is rolling in his bath of mint julups. Don’t haaaaate. I have the Elephant Man’s spirit in my cane.

9) Eggplant martinis did nothing for Val Kilmer’s hospitality. His house is walking on stilts, I am walking on sunshine, and the AIDS walk tomorrow is jokeularistically untouchable.

10) Time-released orgasms

11) Thrilled to Be Here: I am the living embodiment of Joy.

Thrilled to be Herd:  Shepherds peaked 1000 years ago.

Thrilled to be in Her: This joke would be obvious, IF you don’t know someone who knows someone in a fledgling band named “Her,” (like I actually do, though I understand no one reads these to learn anything new) who will go on to sell an album for every keystroke I struck while writing Stun Lists…. including deletes!

…One day, someone will indeed profit from the things I DIDN’T write. I am the Miles Davis of lying.

12) Besame mucho= kiss me a lot.

Butterfly kiss my ass. That means open and shut your eyes, close to my backside, so the eyelashes touch my ass.  In explaining the joke, I have failed to meet its expectation…

“Brevity is the soul of wit”  -Mom

“Butterfly kiss my clitoris on the way out.”- Shakespeare

Finding new ways to become invisible at Halloween “functions,”

Liquid Nitrogen Pellets “david” O’thoroughfare