The first caller of 2010 is POTG Radio perennial, Prince. He calls to talk about the latest bashes in his “Dancedom of Dakota,” but soon, the hosts hear from the mysterious other two “Princes.” This exclusive clip reveals the real workings of how Prince maintains his prolific output and energetic live shows, as well as how the uncouth Blizzard Man relates to all of this. Longtime caller Bill Clinton also weighs in.
High profile madame from the 1990s, Heidi Fleiss, calls to tout her new business venture, including employees Crystal and Rod Steelington. Bill Clinton, still on the phone from the previous segment, announces his newest plans about removing salt from the oceans.
Continuing from the previous segment, Bill Clinton cannot understand Heidi Fleiss’ new platonic prostitution ring, and Gonzo calls to lament how he liked things better in the old days. Gonzo’s new campaign is destroying horoscopes, prompting animosity with a mysterious caller named Krishna II.
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1) I call my secretary “Left Brain, Obey!” He’s a genius at estate taxes, but can’t get over the fact that I didn’t masturbate to mental images of girls I personally knew while a youth. My sexual imagination, like the rest of my mind was “born 33,” which has nothing to do with Jesus’ death, something to do with the number three, and, yep, there it is, everything has to be in threes. So, do you girls (I mean women) like each other? You know, like like…?
2) Just quit now. John Lennon glasses don’t make you a better artist. He stole his from Gandhi, who stole his from Groucho, who stole his from an invalid. Remember how dinosaurs used to be interesting, but then you got a job?
3) Hemingway will ALWAYS be untouchable by ironic t-shirts. Never mention Hemingway to a hipster. The hipster will pass off as his own a critique of The Old Man and the Sea that he read in an obscure online magazine while trying to figure out if you’re inauthentic enough to continue talking to. Faulkner, however, will somehow get turned into a breakfast cereal. Religion begins and ends with persecution.
BREATHE into the orgasm….
4) BERATE me as we walk into a bank together. There’s nothing more neutral, emotionally, than accompanying a friend on a quick deposit/withdrawal errand. My grandfather tried to invent “the platonic shower,” but failed miserably. He was quoted in the Trans-City Chronicler-Herald-Sun-Times-Courier as saying, “it’s like trying to love oneself with boxing gloves on.” (italics in original)
5) Salmon is really trying to become the tuna of the 21st century.
Cocaine has been the love of everyone under 21, emotionally.
If you wear a shirt that says “White is the new white” in certain neighborhoods, you could get jumped…on the street…you know, 21 Jump Street… (sound of a record scratching/STUN stretching).
“If you don’t know what you’re saying, shut the fuck up.”-Wittgenstein
“I can have sex with anyone.”-Johnny Depp
6) A salmon is dropped from the ceiling onto a podium at the front of large auditorium, filled with academics.
Salmon (getting up, brushing himself off): Why am I always a “he?” (mild laughter from the audience)
Someone in the audience: The author never had a sister so he can’t write women!
Salmon (checking is genitalia to see he actually has a vagina) What’s the scholarly way to say “shit!”? (audience falls into hysterics, an orgy ensues)
7) The above is my proposal for “How to Get Crazy Without Drugs or Alcohol.” I’m working on a few more…ways to take a platonic shower with Lindsay Lohan. While ami(d)st said shower, we can exchange livers. She needs a fresh start, and I need street cred.
STATES’ RIGHTS!) I want to replace the New York State flag with an anime graphic of Thomas Jefferson raping an owl. I hate anime, but I love wolves.
9) Mississippi is where venom was invented, but no one can prove it. Someone once called me “The Mark Twain of Regrets,” and I still don’t know what she meant.
10) Vows of Promiscuity
11) I tried to convince my 6th grade teacher (an idiot) that I was obsessed with how I would die, even though I wasn’t. She thought that fine young Catholic men (I would have liked the band Fine Young Cannibals more if Gun N Roses didn’t get me first) should not have such thoughts. I fantasized about beating her at strip chess then having anal sex with her. Some things never change.
12) I have a love/hate relationship with grocery stores. They are the great equalizer. I mean, we all have to eat. I always make friends there, but they’re never sexual prospects. I always shop hungry, then regret how much money I just spent. I always hide STUN Lists in the produce, but no one has ever called to say they appreciated it and “get it.” I guess I have failed to be the poet laureate of the Bronx. Maybe I should just shoot a cop.
The circus was in town, but no one told me for fear I’d run away with them,
Japeto “The Eagle of Madison Avenue” DeToilette
Continuing from the previous segment, Bill Clinton cannot understand Heidi Fleiss’ new platonic prostitution ring, and Gonzo calls to lament how he liked things better in the old days. Gonzo’s new campaign is destroying horoscopes, prompting animosity with a mysterious caller named Krishna II.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
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- Tags: Bill Clinton, Crystal, Gonzo, Heidi Fleiss, Krishna II, Prince
"Toasted Wheaton Face"
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- Tags: Colonel Mustard
54th Street & 7th Avenue
Eateries like Cafe Metro are a dime a dozen in the city. The food is “pretty good,” and the place is well lit and colorful. Perhaps it is reminiscent of your single uncle’s apartment. The bathroom of Cafe Metro, unlike the dining area, is not so common. Located in an additional downstairs eating section, it is a very small “oner” with dark gray, brick style tiling. Theses bricks possess a natural rock look and texture to them, perhaps to provide a brief respite from the man made caverns of the New York skyscrapers. Upon further scrutiny, one may find that the toilet is slightly askew, but this does not impede its function (we like to think that about ourselves, thank you). The sink is a marvel: a white porcelain vanity trough built into a stand-alone wooden counter. Pegasus must have drank out of something like this. The faucet comes out of the wall, not visibly connected to the sink at all. Some customers wrongfully exploited such a sink and left water all over the counter.
The thought and design behind this restroom goes above and beyond the call, but there is still a problem with space. The room is very small to begin with, and a garbage can juts out from under the sink. The can is too large to fit inside properly and just gets in the way of things, like the drunk dock worker who somehow got into your last orgy. As for the soap dispenser, it helps if you work out; the mechanism needs a little firm loving. If this is the only blemish, then Cafe Metro is the equivalent of a pink topaz in the rough.
Rating: 7
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- Tags: Cafe Metro, Midtown, Rating 7
"Disinterested Hickory Face"
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- Tags: spike lee
High profile madame from the 1990s, Heidi Fleiss, calls to tout her new business venture, including employees Crystal and Rod Steelington. Bill Clinton, still on the phone from the previous segment, announces his newest plans about removing salt from the oceans.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
"Minor Steak Face"
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- Tags: Alex Trebek, Minor Steak
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- Tags: curry, precision, tolerance
Pigeon Prairie Face
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