Planet of the Grapes

The madness begins with a call from Snail/Wildebeest, quickly followed by William(Hurt)/Amoeba. It doesn’t take long to find out that “Roland,” Ronald’s half-brother, is behind the DNA experiments, as well as a bagel fast-food chain. This prompts Ronald himself to call, and then Grimace’s brother, Gimnael, who initially thinks he is Bob Dylan because he is coming off of an LSD trip. Gimnael’s right-hand man in his motorcycle gang, Piglet, then joins.

NYC’s own East River calls, followed by the thorn in his side, the Harlem River. Then old radio competitor Newton Folds calls, who has given up his show and is now running a service that alerts people as to when they are being talked about on POTG Radio. The trans-gender Whale Man calls looking for a date, and gets a suitor.

Birdman’s estranged son, Birdbest (who, unlike his father, is a friend to POTG Radio), calls looking not for a date, but a mate. This prompts several obvious candidates to call: Richard Simmons’ Skeleton, Edward Scissorhands, and Skeeter’s Back.

You’ll also hear how POTG Radio’s phone carrier drops them mid-show, stopping the calls for a few minutes, and what POTG Radio producer Willow does to fix this.

610 6th Avenue and 18th Street

Old Navy—which is not old, naval-themed nor contains only navy blue clothing—is the third chain owned by Gap, Inc., the other two being Gap and Banana Republic. It has always presented itself as more casual than Banana Republic and less sterile than Gap while remaining the most affordable of the three clothing lines. Gap Inc treats this as its “street store,” and the inside feels like you’re shopping in a warehouse down by the docks. Of course, this is no insult to warehouses nor docks (in fact we have friends that live in warehouses and docks—honest!). The shabby casual culture is certainly popular enough that the store does very well for itself.

The restrooms at this branch not only failed to match the look of the store but also threw a mortal chill down our spines. The mind behind the design of this branch’s bathroom runs parallel to a serial killer’s. The tiny hexagonal floor tiles were off-white, their borders filled with decades of grime. A pale yellow brick motif ran across the lower half of the walls, and the stall doors were made from grated metal, giving it that industrial look. But the true terror was the toilet. As if most toddlers aren’t scared enough of the toilet’s mouth-shaped monstrous visage, the pipe coming out the back of this toilet resembles a steel anaconda writhing up towards the ceiling and will traumatize even some 30-year-olds (especially those who have never held a full-time job). A chain hangs ominously from the reptilian display, perhaps pointing upward to where the steel anaconda hung itself (is that possible?). Perhaps fear is the reason these toilets look like they’ve never been flushed before. A garbage can stands in front of a urinal; apparently, an “out of order” sign was too subtle so they had to put a metal bouncer in front of it. If Mecha-Godzilla has a torture chamber, this is where he goes to get inspired.

Rating: 4.5

This segment begins with a mistaken caller who believes he has reached a consumer complaint line. This leads to the revelation that there are adult versions of the pictures from the popular 80s toy Lite Brite. One of the featured characters from such pictures, Responsible Yet Promiscuous Buffalo Man, calls, followed by Yams, the fertility beast.

Gonzo calls to help his friend, R.Y.P Buffalo Man, sort things out with Yams the fertility beast and discuss how they like to pick up women and party hard. Dr. Time calls to try and exploit R.Y.P. Buffalo Man’s “superpower.”

Gonzo and R.Y.P. Buffalo Man stay on from the previous segment to welcome Mickey Andy Charley, the boy who used to be the model on boxes of H-O Farina (also known as Cream of Wheat). The “New Quaker Oats Man” calls to try and mentor the ex-farina boy and stop Gonzo and R.Y.P. Buffalo Man from trying to corrupt him.

153 East 53rd Street

The Citigroup Center building is the one that we used to joke about skiing down as kids because of its angled top. Clearly, you’d have to have some kind of hang glider, as you would fly off the side and still have about fifty stories between you and the street. Clearly, we had active imaginations as children and did not think things through. Some say that never changed. Granted, but the people who designed this bathroom did not think things through and have no imagination; at least we have one of those things. And what is the most glaring example of lazy thinking that one can find in a public bathroom? Say it with us, kids: those small ugly grey square tiles. At this location they are–wait for it–not only on the floors but also on parts of the walls. The audacity is astounding. The baby changing station is too dirty for a mid-range hooker. Look, we know most babies can’t read, but Barnes and Noble really has to be more considerate than that. The visitor is greeted by janitorial equipment; we didn’t know we were expected to clean. The hand motion sink faucets are quite difficult to negotiate, and as we stood there waving our hands under them, trying to make the water run, for a brief moment we knew what it must feel like to be panhandling for spare change on a train car when no one has anything to give. It turns out that one did not work at all. There was graffiti on the dryer, but at least it was a Dostoevsky quote. Perhaps Barnes and Noble thinks that people who are into books don’t care about bathrooms since they’re all absent-minded and in their own heads too much to notice things in the real world, like good bathrooms. Here’s the rub, Barnes: some of us do.

Rating: 4.5

A mistaken caller believes he has reached a consumer complaint line. This leads to the revelation that there are adult versions of the pictures from the popular ’80s toy Lite Brite. One of the featured characters from such pictures, Responsible Yet Promiscuous Buffalo Man, calls, followed by Yams, the fertility beast.

Gonzo calls to help his friend, R.Y.P. Buffalo Man, sort things out with Yams the fertility beast and discuss how they like to pick up women and party hard. Dr. Time calls to try and exploit R.Y.P. Buffalo Man’s “superpower.”

Gonzo and R.Y.P. Buffalo Man stay on from the previous segment to welcome Mickey Andy Charley, the boy who used to be the model on boxes of H-O Farina (also known as Cream of Wheat). The “New Quaker Oats Man” calls to try and mentor the ex-farina boy and stop Gonzo and R.Y.P. Buffalo Man from trying to corrupt him.

You’ll also hear from Vanilla Ice and Milli as they announce their new album, and their friend, the ganja-loving Scooter, who is apparently still possessed by a Jamaican soul.

14th Street, Union Square

Continuing down “murderer’s row,” or the south side of 14th Street west of Union Square, we entered yet another fast food chain with a conveniently accessible bathroom towards the front of the store. After being stunned and battered by our recent bathroom experience at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut next door, we staggered into Wendy’s, one of us deliriously yelling “where is that red-headed bitch? She owes me twenty seven dollars and I also want my copy of The DaVinci Code back!” After regaining composure, we re-focused on the task at hand and entered the facilities.

It turns out we should have known that the same forces that set upon destroying the bathroom at Taco Bell/Pizza Hut were also at work on their scarlet-haired neighbor. Once again, the door did not lock, and we started to think that these 14th street bathrooms were all designed by the same person and that that person grew up in a commune (a filthy commune–not at all worth the free love that comes with it). Sitting atop the sink, seemingly embarrassed, a dish of liquid soap humbly presented itself. If you’ve been reading our reviews you may know that we feel bar soap, while fine in someone’s home, is not okay in a public restroom (see Ray Bono Pizza review). A communal (ahem) dish of liquid soap brings to light the same philosophical conundrum that a bar of soap does, and the question is this: can soap get dirty? We didn’t have to spend years meditating in the Himalayas to give you a definite answer: yes, yes it can. And while we loathe bar soap in public facilities, liquid soap may be even worse, for the simple fact that it adds insult to injury. A bar of soap comes as it is, liquid soap is supposed to be placed in a dispenser, and thus a bowl of liquid soap basically says, “here, we’re too lazy to do this right, so everyone dip in.” In other words, “Go fuck yourself” (hey, it’s New York).

Once again, the metallic walls were victim to scratchitti (we hope the perpetrators ruined their keys and couldn’t get back inside their homes). The toilet paper dispenser looked as if someone took a large bite out of it (maybe those Wendy’s meals aren’t that filling). The clean bowl was the only redeeming quality, but that’s not saying much, as cleaning it is the bear minimum the staff should do in terms of restroom upkeep. It’s like saying you’re a good parent because you occasionally tell your child you love them in between hits on the crack pipe. The faucet was perpetually running, but then we figured out why: the bathroom was crying, a once-beautiful woman now abandoned by those who should still love her but don’t, feeling sorry for herself as tears fall into an open food container and mix with what little remains of her Wendy’s Super Value Meal. Dear little Wendy, what happened?

Rating: 2.0

The show kicks off with a call from a tragic woman named Destiny, who is simultaneously a stripper and, you guessed it, the concept of Destiny. Then, of course, Pakistan calls, and later Respect, who claims to be the child of Pakistan and Destiny.

The giant Indian robot known as Gupta Kronog calls and is quickly followed by rival Godzilla, who on a previous episode befriended the Burger King, who now rides on Godzilla’s back. This prompts Swedish Mecha-Godzila to call as well, the robotic Godzilla who has Ronald inside of him in his control chamber.