Planet of the Grapes

14th Street, Union Square

Continuing down “murderer’s row,” or the south side of 14th Street west of Union Square, we entered yet another fast food chain with a conveniently accessible bathroom towards the front of the store. After being stunned and battered by our recent bathroom experience at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut next door, we staggered into Wendy’s, one of us deliriously yelling “where is that red-headed bitch? She owes me twenty seven dollars and I also want my copy of The DaVinci Code back!” After regaining composure, we re-focused on the task at hand and entered the facilities.

It turns out we should have known that the same forces that set upon destroying the bathroom at Taco Bell/Pizza Hut were also at work on their scarlet-haired neighbor. Once again, the door did not lock, and we started to think that these 14th street bathrooms were all designed by the same person and that that person grew up in a commune (a filthy commune–not at all worth the free love that comes with it). Sitting atop the sink, seemingly embarrassed, a dish of liquid soap humbly presented itself. If you’ve been reading our reviews you may know that we feel bar soap, while fine in someone’s home, is not okay in a public restroom (see Ray Bono Pizza review). A communal (ahem) dish of liquid soap brings to light the same philosophical conundrum that a bar of soap does, and the question is this: can soap get dirty? We didn’t have to spend years meditating in the Himalayas to give you a definite answer: yes, yes it can. And while we loathe bar soap in public facilities, liquid soap may be even worse, for the simple fact that it adds insult to injury. A bar of soap comes as it is, liquid soap is supposed to be placed in a dispenser, and thus a bowl of liquid soap basically says, “here, we’re too lazy to do this right, so everyone dip in.” In other words, “Go fuck yourself” (hey, it’s New York).

Once again, the metallic walls were victim to scratchitti (we hope the perpetrators ruined their keys and couldn’t get back inside their homes). The toilet paper dispenser looked as if someone took a large bite out of it (maybe those Wendy’s meals aren’t that filling). The clean bowl was the only redeeming quality, but that’s not saying much, as cleaning it is the bear minimum the staff should do in terms of restroom upkeep. It’s like saying you’re a good parent because you occasionally tell your child you love them in between hits on the crack pipe. The faucet was perpetually running, but then we figured out why: the bathroom was crying, a once-beautiful woman now abandoned by those who should still love her but don’t, feeling sorry for herself as tears fall into an open food container and mix with what little remains of her Wendy’s Super Value Meal. Dear little Wendy, what happened?

Rating: 2.0

The show kicks off with a call from a tragic woman named Destiny, who is simultaneously a stripper and, you guessed it, the concept of Destiny. Then, of course, Pakistan calls, and later Respect, who claims to be the child of Pakistan and Destiny.

The giant Indian robot known as Gupta Kronog calls and is quickly followed by rival Godzilla, who on a previous episode befriended the Burger King, who now rides on Godzilla’s back. This prompts Swedish Mecha-Godzila to call as well, the robotic Godzilla who has Ronald inside of him in his control chamber.

POTG Radio follows up with the Mario Bros. from the last episode’s conversation, when it became clear that their lives were falling apart. The “Grime Reaper” and his sidekick, a punk rocker called Immature call to discuss how they are forcing Luigi to be the celebrity partner at a new bar they are opening in Vegas. Bowser of the Mario Bros games calls to try and save Luigi.

14th Street, Union Square

The infamous tag-team duo Taco Bell and Pizza Hut (Known as “The Bacteria Brothers” in the WWE) has staked its claim on the 14th Street western strip. This strip west of Union Square is home to cheap stores and cheaper eats, where shopping is conducted out of dire necessity. As Union Square unofficially presents itself as the forum for the young, artistic and broke, these chains do quite well for themselves. And although many of them require that you purchase something in their establishments, most do not enforce this rule. One could walk into their bathroom at any time without buying a thing.

In the case of the 14th Street Taco Bell/Pizza Hut bathroom, you may not buy anything but you will certainly pay for it. The door’s banana-carcinogen color may fool you into thinking you’re entering a safe place. The inside doorknob hangs from its own hinges and prevents you from locking it. The walls are made of the same cheap brushed metal as the airplane-style sink and covered in filth and graffiti. Under the sink, a red pail catches the leakings from the sink pipe. The floor is wet and littered with toilet paper, as is the toilet. Ironically, you won’t find any toilet paper in its dispenser. It’s like walking into a restaurant starving and seeing everyone eating great food, only to be told that the kitchen has just closed. Two soap dispensers offer the same option: no soap or no soap. If you haven’t run screaming yet, do NOT look up. A square hole has been cut out in the ceiling, perfect for storing a camera. Would we have tried to be funnier in this review, but these facts speak for themselves. Be warned: using this bathroom may put your image on a kinky bathroom porn site, and it currently bears the distinction of our lowest rating to date.

Rating: 1.5

The show kicks off with a call from a tragic woman named Destiny, who is simultaneously a stripper and, you guessed it, the concept of Destiny. Then, of course, Pakistan calls, and later Respect, who claims to be the child of Pakistan and Destiny.

The giant Indian robot known as Gupta Kronog calls and is quickly followed by rival Godzilla. On a previous episode Godzilla befriended the Burger King, who now rides on his back. This prompts Swedish Mecha-Godzila to call as well, the robotic Godzilla who has Ronald inside of him in his control chamber.

POTG Radio follows up with the Mario Bros. from the last episode’s conversation, when it became clear that their lives were falling apart. The “Grime Reaper” and his sidekick, a punk rocker called Immature call to discuss how they are forcing Luigi to be the celebrity partner at a new bar they are opening in Vegas. Bowser of the Mario Bros games calls to try and save Luigi.

This episode also includes a discussion of how radio producer Willow used the hosts’ money to invest in bars, including one owned by a stingray man, and also more from Luigi’s captivity in Vegas.

14th Street and Broadway

Since our last visit, the Union Square branch has changed the appearance of its bathroom and provided us with another before and after segment.

This Virgin location has a large cafe on the main floor and this is where the restrooms are. There are two “oners,” one for men and one for women, though we’d expect that’s observed very loosely. Be warned that lines seem to be par for the course here. Our first visit gave us the impression that we might as well have been transported into the womb where the idea of graffiti itself spat forth from. Knowing that Virgin tries to be cool and edgy and distance itself from the stodginess associated with huge corporations, we wouldn’t be surprised if this graffiti was written by the employees as a job requirement. Since it was present in such a large amount, it did add a consistent character to the facility. Amidst all of this, the bathroom was kept clean. Chalky mint green wall tiles offer a bit of a change of taste, the piece of gum you chew after drinking twelve Pabst Blue Ribbon beers at a downtown dive.

In an effort to improve its image, Virgin cleaned most of the graffiti from the walls and mirror, but most just doesn’t cut it. Where this bathroom was once a tribute to the punk rock underbelly of New York music, now it is simply another casualty in the war on cleanliness. The mint green tiles were replaced with black. The toilet, once surprisingly white and pristine, was now left dirty and yellow, and tragically, the soap is still missing. They have, however, seemed to substitute soap at the sink for a “Take a penny, Leave a penny” trough, as though the four cents we found was any compensation for walking away with germs on our hands. We assume they were pennies; they could have been bacteria-stained dimes.

Update 07/28/09: With both electronic behemoths (Circuit City and Virgin Megastore) now gone, Union Square suffers a small setback in its public facility population. We knew this day would come, as people are making more purchases online than in actual stores. That’s fine, have your downloads. Let’s see you use iTunes’ bathroom.

Rating: 2.5

Wherever Gimnael is, his right hand-man in his motorcycle gang, Piglet, is not too far away. They are exiled in Canada since Piglet is on the run from the law. Gimnael is afraid that the previous segment’s discussion of American-Canadian hostilities will incite violence between his gang and their sworn enemies, the harlequins who live in the Canadian plains. Geraldo calls to try to be Piglet’s lawyer, and General Gyro calls to make Piglet and Gimael an offer to join his army.

General Gyro stays on the phone to welcome video game stars Mario and Luigi, still in Vegas after Luigi’s legal troubles there. The Brothers’ old cohort, Toad, now rich from Saudi oil, calls to offer them jobs in his new casino, and the transgender Louis Louise calls to offer his/her services for giving feedback on Mario’s proposed return to the stage-as a stripper.

Continuing the discussion with the Mario Brothers, Kato Kaelin, O.J. Simpson’s infamous former house sitter, calls. He reveals that the Mario Brothers in fact went to Beverly Hills high school after moving from NY to LA in their teens as they were attempting to break into the entertainment industry. Luigi and Kaelin had a rap group for about five minutes while in high school. Ex-video game star Toad is still on the phone, trying to get this motley crew to work for him.