Planet of the Grapes

Richard Simmons’ Shorts and the Laces (on the shorts) call from the Philippines. Part of the Stain (that used to be on the shorts) also calls, in the process revealing how they came to be: they are the result of a splash from a “mayonnaise lobotomy” that Richard Simmons had administered in the past. Then the man himself calls to start explaining what that means…

While the hosts are talking to Richard Simmons, his Shorts, Laces on the shorts, and the Stain, fast food mogul Teriyaki Boy calls. Then a Wizard (walrus/lizard) calls, as does Michael Jordan, Mr. Wizard (an actual wizard), and pro wrestler Gorilla Gross.

An old character, LSD, wafts into the airwaves and, as usual, changes everyone into their alternate personalities. First, the hosts become strippers, and then, Michael Jordan becomes Barbara Streisand, who falls in love with Gorilla Gross, who now sees himself in a new light and instantly softens to become “Gorilla Grace.” Elton John calls, and Grimace calls to marry Michael/Barbara and Gorilla Grace.

Yotesh is the herder who guards the Essence of Italy, currently residing in a mountain in Albania. The Goat God calls to keep Yotesh in check, and then the Essence of Italy gets on the phone to speak for himself.

1230 5th Ave. at 104th Street

El Museo del Barrio celebrates the rich Caribbean and Latin American cultures in New York. Too tempting to avoid, we must hereby make the stock comment that if you visit the corresponding restaurants these cultures provide, especially if you sport gringo digestive chemistry, you may in fact need the bathroom after such meals, and soon. Accordingly, this museum offers a couple of bathrooms, and one resides in the Hecksher building, before you even enter the museum itself. It’s great if you’re in the neighborhood, in need, and don’t have the time to go to the museum (in our efforts to aid the New York pedestrian, we are attempting to review all the facilities of “suggested donation” museums before moving on to their more expensive, but less anxiety-causing counterparts).

The bathroom here is a “oner,” (let’s not forget that’s one letter off from “loner”). Its saving grace was the large black “foot button” acting as the flusher on the toilet. Please re-read the last sentence. Thank you. And now we must question, and hope you join us in doing so: why is this not the standard in public restrooms? Let’s face it, the motion sensor stuff is a sham, they rarely work correctly short of your having to do an Irish jig in front of them to get them to flush. And even when they do work reasonably well, they make the option of a “mid-game” flush much more difficult. Sure you can use your foot on toilets with standard handle flushers, but it’s nice to see SOMEONE just acknowledging that yes, most sane people use their foot to flush, so we not design with that in mind? And even for that mid-game flush, this button is easier than a handle to elbow.

Like a Journey tribute band, the bathroom itself looked like it had not evolved since the ’70s. No plate protected the light switch, but we must admit we did get a little nostalgia for the throwback of the hand dryer they had: the big silvery guy with the round spout. The wall tiling was large at least (most tiny tiles are easy and unattractive, like those skeletal size -4 fashion models), but for the grand finale, we leave you with this: the sink had hair and green herbs in it. They swear it was oregano.

Rating: 4.0

Richard Simmons’ Shorts and the Laces (on the shorts) call from the Philippines. Part of the Stain (that used to be on the shorts) also calls, in the process revealing how they came to be: they are the result of a splash from a “mayonnaise lobotomy” that Richard Simmons had administered in the past. Then the man himself calls to start explaining what that means…

While the hosts are talking to Richard Simmons, his Shorts, Laces on the shorts, and the Stain, fast food mogul Teriyaki Boy calls. Then a Wizard (walrus/lizard) calls, as does Michael Jordan, Mr. Wizard (an actual wizard), and pro wrestler Gorilla Gross.

An old character, LSD, wafts into the airwaves and, as usual, changes everyone into their alternate personalities. First, the hosts become strippers, and then, Michael Jordan becomes Barbara Streisand, who falls in love with Gorilla Gross, who now sees himself in a new light and instantly softens to become “Gorilla Grace.” Elton John calls, and Grimace calls to marry Michael/Barbara and Gorilla Grace.

Yotesh is the herder who guards the Essence of Italy, currently residing in a mountain in Albania. The Goat God calls to keep Yotesh in check, and then the Essence of Italy gets on the phone to speak for himself.

1105 5th Avenue at 92nd Street

The Jewish Museum, far from the Jewish Heritage Museum in Battery Park City, resides on the Upper East Side on Fifth Avenue – known also as Museum Row. It is one of the better-known museums here besides the Guggenheim and the Met and receives pedestrian traffic accordingly. With security right at the door, checking your bags before you can even get your coats off and throwing you through a metal detector, the Jewish Museum trumps its neighbors in security. Perhaps the measures are to protect the work of the touchy subject of religion and heritage. We think maybe it’s to keep messhugenehs like us out. Of course, it seemed like a bad sign that they were even open on the sabbath. There is an upstairs and a downstairs bathroom, but the basement one is closest and best for anybody just looking to get in quick.

For any place that houses works of art, one would think that even the design of their bathrooms should be considered as such. Sadly, this is not the case here. The basement floor bathroom of the Jewish Museum is as basic as can be: no bowl of candy, no mother telling you that you don’t eat enough or call her enough, and certainly no dancing. The off-white wall tiles complement the black floor tiles in the same way one would tell a concert pianist after their performance, “Your hair looked good.” Two items that add a hint of character are worth mentioning: One sink offered two fancy boxes of Kleenex tissues instead of the cold metal dispensers, and an odd-looking seat/changing station greets the user upon entry. The bottom line is that this bathroom is kept pretty clean… and that’s it. But what do we need fancy bathrooms for? It’s nothing, we’ll use a plain bathroom like anybody else. It’s not like we went out of our way to find a nice bathroom…

Rating: 5

“Tolstoy would have never written a thing if he had only discovered pomegranates in time.”

spoken through SpinVox

.

Barrabbas McQuesinought, lawyer for both Barney the dinosaur and several Chicken MgNuggets, calls to get his clients on the phone. Two McNuggets, Duane Read and Ninja, call. They reveal that if you flip them over they have different names and personalities; they become Maccabee and Walnut McDermott, respectively. They then all discuss how Barney has a marsupial-like pouch where he incubates McNuggets.

Old friend Richard Simmons calls to reveal his colorful new clothing line, which includes snakeskin panties- which he’s currently wearing. His friend, fashion designer Don Kong (formerly Donkey Kong), calls to add his two cents as they also discuss their new diet suggestions for the hosts.