Planet of the Grapes

Upon the request of one Dr. Frank N. Furter of Rocky Horror fame, disgruntled ex-Muppet and POTG Radio’s favorite rhymer, Gonzo, is called. At first, Gonzo resists the phone call because he’s having “me time.” He’s celebrating the anniversary of breaking free from Nanny, the caregiver who watched over the Muppets when they were babies. He stays on long enough to discuss his dispute with Harvey Keitel, his several homes, and Frank’s upcoming Halloween party.

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Two morning drive DJs from a Vancouver radio station perform an “FCC Hijack.” Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio call POTG Radio while simultaneously airing the conversation on their own show. The POTG Radio hosts agree to let Premium Priest and Baby O’Radio psychoanalyze Grimace and Lotharius the Transvestite Wolf, who were on the POTG Radio phone before the morning jocks called.

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6 Union Square East

Since the late 1990s it seems there has been a growing number of food chains that seek to defy the fast food stigma by offering classier fare like pastries, soups, dolled-up sandwiches, and most importantly, foreign-sounding names. Au bon Pain is at the forefront of the movement with several locations throughout the city.

We were directed to the “additional seating” area after asking for the restroom (and again, we did not buy anything, as we seek to find restrooms the pedestrian can use for free). A few cramped tables in a narrow hallway in the back constituted this “additional seating,” and seeing as how this Au bon Pain is next to Union Square, it’s probably to hide patrons not cool enough to be seen eating by the windows (downtown NY, like high school all over again). We waited in line as employees went in and out of a back storage area, and a large bag of bagels sat there, asking to be taken (we did not, those usually go to shelters). An early warning sign occurred in the form of an unpleasant odor before we even arrived at the restroom. The woman before us actually walked into one of the two “oner” facilities and almost immediately walked back out, shaking her head at us as if to say, “maybe you are braver or stupider than I.” We soon saw the probable cause of her distress: no toilet paper. In certain scenarios, of course, having no toilet paper conjures a similar feeling to being on a life raft in the middle of the ocean and realizing it’s sprung a leak. The puke green-colored door is appropriate when considering the floors and walls evidently do not get cleaned often. This dirty state of affairs is not helped by the fact that the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign is not in front of the sink, but rather, on the wall opposite the sink, and up top near the ceiling. We realized this was starting to affect our impressions of Au Bon Pain beyond their bathrooms, which essentially possessed no character even if they were cleaner and better-stocked. The hair in the sink put things over the top, but at least if it were an employee’s there’s less of a chance it will end up in the food.

Rating: 3.0

A male wolf who dresses like female humans, Lotharius, calls to explain why he does so. Somehow, a plan to turn Nebraska into a pool figures into his goals. His interview prompts a call from Link of The Legend of Zelda fame, who apparently has also dealt with cross-dressing and transgender issues himself.

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1) The task is complete. Now to begin my French translation of “War and Peace.” Though I know nothing of war, French, or Tolstoy. But I am sure the God of Grammar shall smile upon me. Note: When I refer to “licking carpet,” I of course am referring to an oral fixation to floor decorations.

2) 32% of a squid’s brain is permanently focused on the end of days and whether (s)he will get into heaven. I stopped feeling well around the 8th grade.

3) People talk about some men being lifesized Ken dolls. Jokes about private parts aside, does that mean said men have hard, plastic shells and limited range of mobility with their limbs? Are there support groups for people who can’t bend their legs? And how can I get in on that? I need to tap some rigid hind.

4) 2 bottles of whiskey
1 turnip
a handful of cat vomit
.2% of the parchment of the Declaration of Independence

stir until angry

-Julia Child’s recipe for making wind

5) Of all the things I’ve lost, I really need to take inventory. Keys, wallets, wills, Willis’s joints (bones)… the list would go on if I were to write it. Again, see St1n (pronounced “Stwun”) about my knowledge of Tolstoy: none.

A. Maher : “Show all work!”
B. Maher: “Don’t be such a pussy! Try pussy!”

6) Presenting the Planet of the Grapes planet! We flew to Jupiter and poured 52.3 trillion gallons of Hi-C Grape DRINK, not juice, into the atmosphere and renamed it. What depression? We have a purple planet! Let’s partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

7) The Fax Thief sneaks into your house at night, scans your face while you’re sleeping and faxes it to his mother. This is how he mates.

L)eggs . I used to think Leggs were supposed to be edible, but if you planted them in the ground legs would grow from them. Now I know I’m right.

9) When it says “Use as directed,” that means you’re supposed to have somebody direct you into using it. This counts for all subsequent doses. Actors don’t just film the rest of the movie after two days of working with the director. The ones who do are usually called Scientologists.

10) The first orgasm

11) Bagels are poisonous. Don’t let them bite you.

12) Now that I’ve failed my flying chair pilot test, I’m going to invent a new number. Goals!

He pees on you,

The wind XOXO

1) There’s a lot that can be learned from Disney Channel shows. The first thing I’d like to point out, not that it’s obvious, is that if you analyze the rhythm of cuts from one shot to the next in any Disney Channel show, it’s Morse Code stating that “dieting is for the weak.” Oh, I see a hand in the back.
Yes, you…Judas Iscariot? You have a question?

Judas: I would like to transfer to Professor Ugluliat’s class on Mime Theory.

Me: (secreting fake blood from my eyeballs): Very well.

2) Yesterday, I bought “Lottery Bonds.” They guarantee that the lottery numbers I play will be the winning numbers in a lottery somewhere on Earth within the next five thousand years. Nooowwww will you let me marry your mother, or what?

3) The wheels on the bus go round and round, but did you know the Earth is about to have a heart attack? It can’t just keep spinning.
Earth: “I give and I give…”

4) Charles de Gaulle: “This is becoming a comment-driven STUN.”

RoboCop (turning over a newly-formed leaf): I find this de-Gaulling!

Author: Okay, it’s time that this stops.

(Author steps into a wrestling ring with his Imagination).

Author: What? How can you be separate than me?

Author’s Imagination (taking the form of young Jane Seymour): Let’s do it.

(Ten minutes later…)

Author: Okay, let’s write number 5.

5) The King of Jerusalem is a mediocre nickname for a flag football champion.

6) Mimes have invisible excretory systems. Miners are invisible except for their excretory systems.

Children, what is the cause, and what is LaTrec?

7) On the other side of the earth at any given moment is someone who looks exactly like you, but is a trumpet virtuoso. Perez Hilton always tries to make the connecting flight that will allow him to meet said doppelganger, but he gets held up at the airport due to “9/11 conspiracy checks.”

Cue) pigeons. They fly in, shit on your hot dog, and fly out. Now what kinds of friends are these?

Sixth pigeon from the front: “With friends like these, who needs to own real estate?”

(At this point a Bobble Head of God falls from the sky and immediately catches fire upon hitting the ground. The once-laughing pigeons are now serious).

9) My mother says I am an angel with wings clipped. My father said I remind him of a younger Zeus. The lady at the supermarket called the police when I made the innocent comment “those pomegranates look juicy.” It was in jail, however, that I discovered The Brother’s Grimm, Volume II, hidden in a wall. Would you like me to read a passage? Very well. This is from “The Boy Who Didn’t Study Real Estate Laws:”

Lepuso, a village boy who loved straw hats, was invited to the duke’s castle to discuss an internship program. On his way, Lepuso met a witch promising him three wishes if he “gave her a little nut.” Lepuso always carried almonds on him (rich in antioxidants) and gave the witch one. She said “that’s not what I had in mind, you sloth,” but had to grant him the wishes.” When his first wish was that the witch had all the nuts she so pleased, the witch wept out of Lepuso’s selflessness, and at that exact moment, the universe ended.

10) Implied Intercourse

11) “Domination Donkey” was a super-hero in Malaysian folklore until American taste was recently imported. Whenever you see Superman chatting up some paralegal at a bar, colonialism is not far off…

12) So, what’s “Fail Blog?”

Henry Kissinger: “You know what Fail Blog is, Jared. You’re just trying to write an easy number 12. PS: your grandmother was a lioness.”

I am Two Armed and Too Slick for the Majority of America,

Love,

Jared (ripping off Brad(’s skin))

1) The inside of a shark’s mouth holds many mysteries. For example, the 11th Commandment, the second half of the Declaration of Independence, and various Muppet x-rays were recently found in one. Another contained alternate lyrics to 1950s hit song “Yakety Yak,” as well as an abnormally intelligent sting ray. When asked why he preferred leftist politics, the sting ray made an off-color remark about the film Beetlejuice and then gave this reporter a sound beating.

The Jackson 5 Weekly newspaper said last week: “The moral of the story is that there are no morals.”

2) My ribs are made of satin. My nipples are silk worms. Compose them.

3) Scenario A: Now that my cage is built, why don’t you get into it? I will experiment on your ability to be attracted to men named Apu.

Scenario B: I am the rat and you are electricity. Let’s be romantick and drink each other’s blood.

Experiment More on Doves: For each leg hair I own, dress up a lizard as a Catholic priest and play Truth or Dare. The smaller the lizard, the more rosary bead stock you will be forced to buy….

4) Across the street from the prepubescent boy with a lemonade stand, right next to the entrance to the modeling agency that handles the Victoria’s Secret account, I set up a nifty stand of my own. The sign read: “Attention Ladies: Mustache Rides- 5 cents.” (apparently this used to work for Tom Selleck). I even drew one of the “s”’s backwards to be cute. The ladies just gawked as they walked by…

…then I realized when I got home that I had shaved the night before.
I proceeded to weep.
Aunt Eunice: “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on! Now bring me another dwarf…”

5) I have exact replicas of Fred Savage’s hair at every age. I can put on the wigs reflecting his different eras
and wonder if he’s the type that “gets” Monica Lewinsky.

6) It’s good to find the “clitoris” of certain things. For example, the soft, golden part of a piece of pound cake on the top (always the best bite) is that piece of pound cake’s clitoris. Predictably, for many household appliances, it’s the “on” button. For most stuffed animals, it’s the belly button. Remember, the clitoris of an object isn’t always overtly sexual: it’s the object’s spiritual center. I like to think that my clitoris is my eyebrows. What do you think?

7) I get paid by the keystroke.

Dead) last in the David Bowie look-alike contest yet again!
Mr. T (while putting a gorilla in a headlock): “Is it too late to become a mime?”

9) Somehow, I became known as “The Will Smith of Korea,” without being Korean or even Will Smith. Even so, joking about being “out of the will” because I had sex with a girl of a different race/religion/sense of humor is still quite dishonorable while dining with my Korean mistress’ parents.

10) Saber-toothed parrots.

11) For my Qth birthday, I would like the red part of the light spectrum.

12) To love is divine, to err is animalistic, to automatically get semi-hard at the mere sound of a computer turning on is “problematic” (Freud, The Conflicted Socialite, pp. 16-1876). Again and again I fail to visualize world peace on “Visualize World Peace Day.” Is it possible to be successful at being a failure?

When the diamond mines are empty, start organizing the love police,
Quest “The Lucky Leprechaun” Lifechaser

1) “Where oh where are the potato shavings? I shall use them to predict your future. Some use crystal balls, some tea leaves, others egg yolks…and I, this. Oh, I see. You want to marry a bison? We can’t cater to your kind here. What? Oh. Haha. Funny. You think that you will find anyone willing to be your lawyer? Civil rights? Please. Oh wait, you’ve had a successful vasectomy? (Pause) Let me get one? I’m sorry for the confusion. I’ll buy you an egg cream and we can forgive each other’s past indiscretions…”

-from King Kong’s monologue for the Juilliard audition (he didn’t get in)

2) Just because I have electobronkiatus, which is a fear of the atmosphere, does not mean that I am a lesser person than you. I simply must wait to be crowned Husband of All French Women.

3) Patrick Duffy came to me in a dream. He was dripping with anticipation. There’s apparently a new strawberry substitute that tastes “just like real strawberries.” (source: Vogue). Patrick Duffy loves strawberries. The funny thing is, I know this, but we’ve never met. What’s funnier is that if you finish reading this line…(I’m giving you a chance here)…you have to be the new president of his fan club. For life. No takebacks.

4) Curly hair is a sign of nervous intelligence. That’s why I always have 5 sheep with me no matter where I go. They’re meticulous personal assistants. And they always have a great way of fitting into conversation the comment that sneezes are the equivalent to 10% of an orgasm’s release.

5) Be careful of purchasing real estate from anyone who calls himself “Hillbilly Jim” and/or shows up to meetings wearing overalls made entirely of cold sore shavings. He passed the bar exam in seven states and is, in fact, being lazy. Please call his mother’s cell phone (dial “Ocean 9″) and have her text Hillbilly Jim a guilt trip.

6) Less sense me beat. Decode the phrase in 0.2 lightyears and you win my destiny. Just please don’t make me a lab rat. I hate yodeling.

7) I have two rings that interconnect magically when I am standing on the border of two U.S. states. Obviously, this makes each state’s laws null and void when the judges try to convict me for parachuting nude into an abortion clinic and distributing outdated communist paraphenalia (signed by Lenin). As long as I landed on the border initially, and am wearing the rings above my waist, I’m okay. As for Lenin…the jury’s still out (makes a loose wrist gesture while taking another sip of a Windex julep)

J) Edgar Hoover Was not funny. The sooner you realize this, the
better equipped you will (o) be when you step into the ring with Al
Pacino at Wrestlemania in the Soliloquy of Death Intercontinental
Steel Boot Match. Vince McMahon is never wrong! (about geography)!

9) Gondwanland will be my first pick as a destination once they invent time travel (and the requisite time travel agencies that will follow). I hear Pangea gets too muggy and the natives make the drinks very weak yet expect large tips and percentages of your Roth IRA. Perhaps I can find a nice light skinned man there and bring him home for Thanksgiving so that my parents can stop asking me why I’m not gay.

10) Frozen hair gel, in the desert, being lonely.

11) The Blue Lagoon is where me and the fish and the lepers hang out and

invent false card games. You need an ID or an ego to get in.

Fortunately, my aides brought along a copy of the “Intermediate Ninja Moves” DVD, so it was “all good,” as the white people say.

12) Monopoly game pieces litter the floor of my bedroom. I simply cannot beat Willem Dafoe. He always comes back out of nowhere and gets all of the good hotels. Failure may be imminent, but at least I learned from Mr. Dafoe the fine art of matching your silk bathrobe with the furniture in your bedroom. Perhaps, one day, I too shall “arrive,” as the rich folks say…

When in Rome, screw.
-The Luscious Half-Sister of Spiderman Davis