Judas: I would like to transfer to Professor Ugluliat’s class on Mime Theory.

Me: (secreting fake blood from my eyeballs): Very well.

2) Yesterday, I bought “Lottery Bonds.” They guarantee that the lottery numbers I play will be the winning numbers in a lottery somewhere on Earth within the next five thousand years. Nooowwww will you let me marry your mother, or what?

3) The wheels on the bus go round and round, but did you know the Earth is about to have a heart attack? It can’t just keep spinning.
Earth: “I give and I give…”

4) Charles de Gaulle: “This is becoming a comment-driven STUN.”

RoboCop (turning over a newly-formed leaf): I find this de-Gaulling!

Author: Okay, it’s time that this stops.

(Author steps into a wrestling ring with his Imagination).

Author: What? How can you be separate than me?

Author’s Imagination (taking the form of young Jane Seymour): Let’s do it.

(Ten minutes later…)

Author: Okay, let’s write number 5.

5) The King of Jerusalem is a mediocre nickname for a flag football champion.

6) Mimes have invisible excretory systems. Miners are invisible except for their excretory systems.

Children, what is the cause, and what is LaTrec?

7) On the other side of the earth at any given moment is someone who looks exactly like you, but is a trumpet virtuoso. Perez Hilton always tries to make the connecting flight that will allow him to meet said doppelganger, but he gets held up at the airport due to “9/11 conspiracy checks.”

Cue) pigeons. They fly in, shit on your hot dog, and fly out. Now what kinds of friends are these?

Sixth pigeon from the front: “With friends like these, who needs to own real estate?”

(At this point a Bobble Head of God falls from the sky and immediately catches fire upon hitting the ground. The once-laughing pigeons are now serious).

9) My mother says I am an angel with wings clipped. My father said I remind him of a younger Zeus. The lady at the supermarket called the police when I made the innocent comment “those pomegranates look juicy.” It was in jail, however, that I discovered The Brother’s Grimm, Volume II, hidden in a wall. Would you like me to read a passage? Very well. This is from “The Boy Who Didn’t Study Real Estate Laws:”

Lepuso, a village boy who loved straw hats, was invited to the duke’s castle to discuss an internship program. On his way, Lepuso met a witch promising him three wishes if he “gave her a little nut.” Lepuso always carried almonds on him (rich in antioxidants) and gave the witch one. She said “that’s not what I had in mind, you sloth,” but had to grant him the wishes.” When his first wish was that the witch had all the nuts she so pleased, the witch wept out of Lepuso’s selflessness, and at that exact moment, the universe ended.

10) Implied Intercourse

11) “Domination Donkey” was a super-hero in Malaysian folklore until American taste was recently imported. Whenever you see Superman chatting up some paralegal at a bar, colonialism is not far off…

12) So, what’s “Fail Blog?”

Henry Kissinger: “You know what Fail Blog is, Jared. You’re just trying to write an easy number 12. PS: your grandmother was a lioness.”

I am Two Armed and Too Slick for the Majority of America,

Love,

Jared (ripping off Brad(‘s skin))