-from King Kong’s monologue for the Juilliard audition (he didn’t get in)

2) Just because I have electobronkiatus, which is a fear of the atmosphere, does not mean that I am a lesser person than you. I simply must wait to be crowned Husband of All French Women.

3) Patrick Duffy came to me in a dream. He was dripping with anticipation. There’s apparently a new strawberry substitute that tastes “just like real strawberries.” (source: Vogue). Patrick Duffy loves strawberries. The funny thing is, I know this, but we’ve never met. What’s funnier is that if you finish reading this line…(I’m giving you a chance here)…you have to be the new president of his fan club. For life. No takebacks.

4) Curly hair is a sign of nervous intelligence. That’s why I always have 5 sheep with me no matter where I go. They’re meticulous personal assistants. And they always have a great way of fitting into conversation the comment that sneezes are the equivalent to 10% of an orgasm’s release.

5) Be careful of purchasing real estate from anyone who calls himself “Hillbilly Jim” and/or shows up to meetings wearing overalls made entirely of cold sore shavings. He passed the bar exam in seven states and is, in fact, being lazy. Please call his mother’s cell phone (dial “Ocean 9″) and have her text Hillbilly Jim a guilt trip.

6) Less sense me beat. Decode the phrase in 0.2 lightyears and you win my destiny. Just please don’t make me a lab rat. I hate yodeling.

7) I have two rings that interconnect magically when I am standing on the border of two U.S. states. Obviously, this makes each state’s laws null and void when the judges try to convict me for parachuting nude into an abortion clinic and distributing outdated communist paraphenalia (signed by Lenin). As long as I landed on the border initially, and am wearing the rings above my waist, I’m okay. As for Lenin…the jury’s still out (makes a loose wrist gesture while taking another sip of a Windex julep)

J) Edgar Hoover Was not funny. The sooner you realize this, the
better equipped you will (o) be when you step into the ring with Al
Pacino at Wrestlemania in the Soliloquy of Death Intercontinental
Steel Boot Match. Vince McMahon is never wrong! (about geography)!

9) Gondwanland will be my first pick as a destination once they invent time travel (and the requisite time travel agencies that will follow). I hear Pangea gets too muggy and the natives make the drinks very weak yet expect large tips and percentages of your Roth IRA. Perhaps I can find a nice light skinned man there and bring him home for Thanksgiving so that my parents can stop asking me why I’m not gay.

10) Frozen hair gel, in the desert, being lonely.

11) The Blue Lagoon is where me and the fish and the lepers hang out and

invent false card games. You need an ID or an ego to get in.

Fortunately, my aides brought along a copy of the “Intermediate Ninja Moves” DVD, so it was “all good,” as the white people say.

12) Monopoly game pieces litter the floor of my bedroom. I simply cannot beat Willem Dafoe. He always comes back out of nowhere and gets all of the good hotels. Failure may be imminent, but at least I learned from Mr. Dafoe the fine art of matching your silk bathrobe with the furniture in your bedroom. Perhaps, one day, I too shall “arrive,” as the rich folks say…

When in Rome, screw.
-The Luscious Half-Sister of Spiderman Davis