2) 32% of a squid’s brain is permanently focused on the end of days and whether (s)he will get into heaven. I stopped feeling well around the 8th grade.

3) People talk about some men being lifesized Ken dolls. Jokes about private parts aside, does that mean said men have hard, plastic shells and limited range of mobility with their limbs? Are there support groups for people who can’t bend their legs? And how can I get in on that? I need to tap some rigid hind.

4) 2 bottles of whiskey
1 turnip
a handful of cat vomit
.2% of the parchment of the Declaration of Independence

stir until angry

-Julia Child’s recipe for making wind

5) Of all the things I’ve lost, I really need to take inventory. Keys, wallets, wills, Willis’s joints (bones)… the list would go on if I were to write it. Again, see St1n (pronounced “Stwun”) about my knowledge of Tolstoy: none.

A. Maher : “Show all work!”
B. Maher: “Don’t be such a pussy! Try pussy!”

6) Presenting the Planet of the Grapes planet! We flew to Jupiter and poured 52.3 trillion gallons of Hi-C Grape DRINK, not juice, into the atmosphere and renamed it. What depression? We have a purple planet! Let’s partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

7) The Fax Thief sneaks into your house at night, scans your face while you’re sleeping and faxes it to his mother. This is how he mates.

L)eggs . I used to think Leggs were supposed to be edible, but if you planted them in the ground legs would grow from them. Now I know I’m right.

9) When it says “Use as directed,” that means you’re supposed to have somebody direct you into using it. This counts for all subsequent doses. Actors don’t just film the rest of the movie after two days of working with the director. The ones who do are usually called Scientologists.

10) The first orgasm

11) Bagels are poisonous. Don’t let them bite you.

12) Now that I’ve failed my flying chair pilot test, I’m going to invent a new number. Goals!

He pees on you,

The wind XOXO