Eateries like Cafe Metro are a dime a dozen in the city. The food is “pretty good,” and the place is well lit and colorful. Perhaps it is reminiscent of your single uncle’s apartment. The bathroom of Cafe Metro, unlike the dining area, is not so common. Located in an additional downstairs eating section, it is a very small “oner” with dark gray, brick style tiling. Theses bricks possess a natural rock look and texture to them, perhaps to provide a brief respite from the man made caverns of the New York skyscrapers. Upon further scrutiny, one may find that the toilet is slightly askew, but this does not impede its function (we like to think that about ourselves, thank you). The sink is a marvel: a white porcelain vanity trough built into a stand-alone wooden counter. Pegasus must have drank out of something like this. The faucet comes out of the wall, not visibly connected to the sink at all. Some customers wrongfully exploited such a sink and left water all over the counter.

The thought and design behind this restroom goes above and beyond the call, but there is still a problem with space. The room is very small to begin with, and a garbage can juts out from under the sink. The can is too large to fit inside properly and just gets in the way of things, like the drunk dock worker who somehow got into your last orgy. As for the soap dispenser, it helps if you work out; the mechanism needs a little firm loving. If this is the only blemish, then Cafe Metro is the equivalent of a pink topaz in the rough.

Rating: 7

Soho Bloomingdale’s will always live in the shadow of its older, snobbier, prettier sister, the original Bloomingdale’s on the Upper East Side. At least the one in Soho is, well, in Soho…which is good if garbage on the streets makes you feel more authentic, and you prefer cocaine to prescription drugs.

While this will always be Wings and the UES side location will always be the Beatles, this location’s bathrooms make a mark for themselves, like the aforementioned younger sister trying out for the rugby team just to stand out. But these bathrooms succeed in offering some unique accommodations. The stars of the show are the walls, covered in beautiful, textured tiles that we deemed a cross between jade and limestone that reminded us of our stay in the palace of an unnamed Chinese princess. On the walls hang a series of modern pinup pics, and kudos to the artist for choosing an authentic-looking model…she was pre-heroin chic and looked like she could enjoy a hamburger without guilt but still gets to the gym. Long lights hung on the sides of the sinks like vanity lights dripping downward as painted by Salvador Dali, and stainless steel baby changing station give well-to-do tots a chance to get up close and personal with their future refrigerators. An almost full-length mirror lets you almost assess your entire outfit. One of the toilets on our visit was unfortunately stuffed with toilet paper and God knows what else…receipts, therapist bills, Sex and the City ticket stubs? That of course was incidental and can happen anywhere, and unless it reflects a negligent cleaning staff, these bathrooms do the Bloomingdale’s name well.

Rating: 7.0

Large department stores love to utilize their basements, and the Bloomingdales “Lower Level” is no exception. In these subterranean shopping levels one usually finds clothing items for lepers, the insane, and men. Sometimes there’s even a cafe. The restroom here boasts the same type of door found on the 7th floor: black wooden paneling with a frosted glass center, a large rectangular Oreo for the installation art crowd. This bathroom asserts its individuality, however, with framed pictures of classic cars. It’s a somewhat obvious and uninspired choice, very “home office of a middle-aged Long Island doctor,” but here it shows that the designers were at least thinking, so we give them an “A” for effort. Towards the front of the bathroom is a private facility for the handicapped, always a thoughtful touch, except when able-bodied people use it for sex. That’s not noble, just in case you were wondering. The wallpaper is again a textured beige and certainly makes a case for wallpaper adding a warmth to bathrooms where shiny tiles cannot. For you audiophiles, the debate over analog vs. digital has it counterpart in the bathroom connoisseurship world in the form of wallpaper vs. tiling. The tiling used on the floors is tasteful, a classic white with black outlines. The sinks and mirrors are nice, but plain…the “marrying type.” However, maybe not all is as nice under the surface and a divorce would ensue down the line. A look under the hood shows the sinks are shoddily built, screws sticking out and all, just like some of the people who work in the makeup department.
Rating: 7.0

Okay, first things first- the pattern on the bags is ugly, and all that owning one proves is that you have something to prove. We don’t know who’s worse- the idiot willing to spend $585 on a wallet or the idiot willing to buy a cheap imitation on Canal Street just to try and trick people into thinking they spent $585 on a wallet. Come on, you’re not fooling anyone- if you cannot afford to take cabs instead of the subway, you cannot afford that wallet. You do, however, sheepishly submit to one of the worst aspects of American culture, and for that, we kindly ask that you outfit a casket with the Louis Vuitton patterns you love so much, get into it, and close it.

Now that we lost the model vote, among others, let us review the store’s facilities. After all, you don’t have to buy anything to relieve yourself in a retail store, and for this reason it sometimes feels even better to do so in an establishment you don’t particularly endorse. It’s a subtle flip of the proverbial bird. Being the true aesthetes that we are, we could of course appreciate the merits of this 4th floor restroom, far from the maddening crowds. The restroom could be called a “glorified oner”- though not a private bathroom, its size prevents large rushes of people, like a beautiful girl who dates with extreme caution. You may have to wait outside during such a rush, but once it’s your turn, the deep marble and browns make you feel like you are inside one of the bags- and we almost mean that in a good way. The low lighting works because of the bathroom’s cleanliness and crisp modern touches (long-necked sink faucets, frosted stall doors). The locks on the stall doors, however, give more problems then they should. We may never buy anything here, but we have nothing against patronizing the “sales associates” (or whatever the hell they’re called these days) as we make our way to the restroom in order to add some more waste to their store.

Rating: 7

Moving ever onward, we arrived at the world famous Saks 5th Avenue. Finding the restroom required an elevator ride, always a good sign in such an environ; it precludes the Old Navy riff-raff from thinking they can quickly pop in and relieve themselves (usually on the floors) without getting glared out of the place. These are the same people who allow themselves to be sprayed with every perfume as they walk the ground floor’s make-up section and yet never buy a single bottle!

Anyway, these restrooms are loosely based on upscale cabanas, which may register a bit strangely during the New York winters but feel just right during the New York summers. The men’s room is mostly white, the women’s peach. The stalls are full and boast cabana-style doors, providing good air flow while maintaining privacy. The walls stand confidently while not taking themselves too seriously; dare we say, these are the George Clooney of walls. We find this thanks to the painted-over brick they are made of, the full length mirror, and the context they find themselves in considering the other factors at play in the restroom. Besides the aforementioned cabana-stalls, the men’s room houses an avant-garde chandelier reminiscent of both twisted white ceramic antlers and a menorah after a Hanukkah family feud. The sink is deep and rectangular, trough-like; we didn’t know whether or not to take offense at this. All in all, it’s a functional bathroom with a few twists.

Rating: 7

Amidst the tourist insanity of Times Square (it was nice to feel like we were outside of New York for a few moments) sits Toys “R” Us, a nightclub for children. We of course knew what we were getting into so forgave the noise, obstacle course of kids, and epileptic fit-inducing visuals. Though hard to get to, the bathroom made the escalator trip worth it. Somehow it combines the playfulness of childhood with a touch of the avant-garde, much the same way Michael Jackson’s fans now view him.

We were clued into this immediately, as an unusual display of many small round mirrors greeted us as we entered. We’d heard that removing one of them leads to a secret chamber where Barney and Big Bird store all of their money, but cannot confirm this rumor. The L-shaped sink in this bathroom provided cleanliness and sensibility, a monument to form and function. The color scheme of deep blue and green provides something for both adults and children, like a well-written cartoon which cleverly delivers the occasional dirty joke that sails right over the youngsters’ heads.

Rating: 7

The Marriott Marquis is the premier spot to kill time in Times Square between appointments. It’s 7th floor lobby is accessed by a quick ride up the external elevators, which is a treat for children and heart patients alike. Upon perusing the different lounges and dining areas on that level, we were greeted by a joyously garish display of over-sized lights, couches, and offbeat color schemes that looked like the thesis project of the most excitable student in an interior design program. Still, somehow, it works on a strange level.

The restrooms were indeed more conservative, with the green diamond pattern on the marble walls giving what can only be called a “classical nouveau” feel. The vertical vanity lights adorning the sink mirrors recall the backstage of a Broadway theater (appropriate for the location). The floor boasts a diagonal marble tiling. Clearly, two different people drew straws to design the lobby’s lounges and the restrooms, but we’re not complaining.

Rating: 7

Following a tip from an old friend and collaborator, we visited Bergdorf Goodman’s upstairs restroom, the alleged site of many a “discreet Senatorial fellatio session, not from the wife,” as an intelligent person who loathes efficient speech might say. Yes, the sophisticated clientele of such a store apparently takes advantage of a sales staff so petrified of upsetting them that if it were any worse, they could pull a fur coat right off the rack, put it on, and saunter out while being thanked. So why shouldn’t this state of affairs garner, among other things, affairs?

As we sadly, needlessly encounter too often, the restroom doesn’t quite live up to the rest of the store. Being that the store is so swank, though, it still follows that overall the restroom is good. There is something dark about the lighting, but given the present discussion, perhaps that is not accidental. The stalls tell no secrets, as they are lined up perpendicular to said wall, offering not much privacy for non-excretory functions. Apparently what starts in the Bergdorf Goodman bathroom is supposed to stay there, so don’t visit unless you can uphold this unsaid code, or contrastly are a member of the paparazzi looking to break it.

Rating: 7

Perpetuating much of the techno-cultural zeitgeist, we visited the Apple’s Store on 5th Avenue to see what this company can offer to the future of restroom design and function. A bit weary that we were directed underground (where the whole sales floor is) and then relegated to wade through a parade of people whose whole identities reside on how many Gigabytes are in their iPods, we made it past the Genius Bar. At said bar we looked for Picasso sharing an aperitif with Einstein, but found a Wired Magazine intern advising a grad student on the joys of pimping his iBook for gaming. After these distractions, we at long last found the iRestroom.

We were pleasantly surprised to find that Apple at least has a vision that it consistently sticks with. The restroom indeed looks like you are inside of a G4 (we hear reports it is an early prototype for Steve Jobs’ tomb, if he dies). The whole bathroom is silver, clean, functional, and has an exciting new faucet/handle design that is sure to excite bloggers for, oh, another week. It loses some points for low lighting (not the good kind, the “don’t stay long” kind), but all in all, a strong show.

Rating: 7