Planet of the Grapes » Richard Simmons

Animals Are There For A Reason

Brad — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 17:44:27 +0000

Yahdderman celebrates scoring his chariot’s license and considers Cream Christ as a candidate to pull him around. Cream Christ chimes in immediately, but his first gripe is over a competing ice cream and pizza establishment. Turns out the offending Pizza Hovel is owned by Mario’s cousin, who turns this grudge into an all-out verbal melee.

Grimace reveals to the hosts the existence of an island where Grimace’s kin can frolic and go about their daily lives is relative peace… that is until Boy Man and Macho Man Randy Savage come knocking at their door. They claim that Grimace Island is prejudiced against them by denying citizenship.

Boy Man explains the secret ulterior motives to being a part of Grimaceland, which seems to include a hybrid army of Grimacelike toddlers. Ryan Seacrest decides this would make a great reality show, and Slim Goodbody and Richard Simmons offer opposing advice for Boy Man.

Slim Goodbody describes his new fetish for traveling the world’s most dangerous roads, which also doubles as a form of cheap, mentally unstable therapy.

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Roads of Death

admin — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 18:11:30 +0000

Slim Goodbody describes his new fetish for traveling the world’s most dangerous roads, which also doubles as a form of cheap, mentally unstable therapy.

From the forthcoming full episode “Animals are There for a Reason”

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Grimaceland Part 2

admin — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 05:08:54 +0000

From the upcoming full episode “Animals Are There for a Reason”

Don’t have a flash player? Click here!

Richard Simmons has an…

admin — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:23:04 +0000

"Atomic Peanut Butter Face"

STUNburns

admin — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 15:54:42 +0000

1) It’s time to disembark on a dis-im-bowelulation. This is the technical term for what Freddy Krueger does with his clawed hand to some overly sexual girl in the 37th installment of “A Nightmare on Madison Avenue”-and that’s exactly what it was, for no one knew how to market it. You HAVE to start grassroots movements in church basements, nail salons, and “death sites of famous polar bears.”

P A N D A B E A R S = T O O O B V I O U S

2) My pet calculator recently chided me, calling my early twenties my “Emotional Dark Ages.” Had electricity been discovered in 1132 C.E. (A.D. is soooo 1956) we would have been flying to Jupiter mentally by now. Had I discovered the part of my brain that would have connected to my clitoris had I continued developing as a female (note to frat boys: every fetus starts out as a female, but then Larry Flynt’s ghost intervenes), I would have been married by now. Say. La. V.

3) Saying “cheese” when you get your picture taken is like saying “weight” when you flip a light switch. The former will not change the braces and over-sized t-shirts you had when you were 11, the latter will not stop a blood-hungry Freddy Krueger, currently hiding in your closet (let’s hope he’s distracted by all the bacteria porn you hide in there- “Pre-Microscoped Images For Your Pleasure!”).

4) Critics agree: Freddy Krueger can’t be a theme, “he wouldn’t make it this obvious.”

Critics aghast: There weren’t enough clean towels at last month’s Critic’s Konvention.

Critics are assholes: See the review of the STUN List Coffee Table Book in Rolling Stone, May 12, 2012 (four stars–which by that point is one star less then the Cliff’s Notes for the Snakes on a Plane graphic novel).

5) “Where the chalk women at?”

The above is a take on the popular line from the Mel Brooks film, Blazing Saddles, “where the white women at?” Chalk is white…get it?

I had a crush on Sade when I was 5. (M/56/NYC/FAVORITE WORD: MOCCASINS) Ladies: you must have NO sense of humor…I hate completition.

6) I hear the lunch room at Conde Nast publishing (they do Cosmo and stuff) is, like, brutal…in terms of finding people who can locate Peru on a map.

7) Clown: I liked it better when you guys weren’t as socially critical.

Me: Ok…I get a lot of pre-cum, but only when I’m with a partner (lawyers suck). Is that better?

(Clown takes off mask to reveal a clock where his face should be): 4:37

Come on) My face isn’t perfect, but neither is Brad Pitt’s copy of The Bible/La Biblia/Los Angeles.

9) Somehow, in the process of illegally but successfully editing a Wikipedia entry about himself, Richard Simmons found the secret to immortality. Note: the last sentence would have been less effective using Albert Einstein, but more effective using real imagination and not relying on a mere mention of Richard Simmons to “get us through this thin(g).” <———–(guess you’re not “with a partner” because you’re now clearly jerking off)

If there were a kissing technique called “throating,” what would it entail?

10) Biblically-Themed Porn

11) Yikes…is not in the dictionary. But neither is Freddie Mercury’s key lime pie recipe (a jealous Krueger forces himself to fall off of his tricycle, trying to get my attention… I always knew I’d hate fatherhood).

12) “Probably the worst STUN of his post-prison career. Look at the Paris Hilton article below and never really delve too deeply into politics”-The NY Post

“Where he fails in execution, he fails further in superfluous mentions of Frederick Krueger.” -The New Yorker

“Where the brown, yellow and tan women at?”- a New Yorker

Ugh. Is it over?

William “The pleather suits are under the leather boots” Wishful

Mayonnaise Lobotomies

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:49:20 +0000

From Episode “The Racist Episode”(4:45 – 20:35)

Richard Simmons’ Shorts and the Laces (on the shorts) call from the Philippines. Part of the Stain (that used to be on the shorts) also calls, in the process revealing how they came to be: they are the result of a splash from a “mayonnaise lobotomy” that Richard Simmons had administered in the past. Then the man himself calls to start explaining what that means…

Mayonnaise Lobotomies Part 2

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:44:32 +0000

From Episode “The Racist Episode”(20:37 – 36:35)

While the hosts are talking to Richard Simmons, his Shorts, Laces on the shorts, and the Stain, fast food mogul Teriyaki Boy calls. Then a Wizard (walrus/lizard) calls, as does Michael Jordan, Mr. Wizard (an actual wizard), and pro wrestler Gorilla Gross.

The Racist Episode

admin — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:38:03 +0000

An old character, LSD, wafts into the airwaves and, as usual, changes everyone into their alternate personalities. First, the hosts become strippers, and then, Michael Jordan becomes Barbara Streisand, who falls in love with Gorilla Gross, who now sees himself in a new light and instantly softens to become “Gorilla Grace.” Elton John calls, and Grimace calls to marry Michael/Barbara and Gorilla Grace.

Yotesh is the herder who guards the Essence of Italy, currently residing in a mountain in Albania. The Goat God calls to keep Yotesh in check, and then the Essence of Italy gets on the phone to speak for himself.

Juiced Cheeseburger Diets

admin — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:35:28 +0000

From Episode “A Bad Bunch of Fatherfigures”(32:16 – 45:21)

Old friend Richard Simmons calls to reveal his colorful new clothing line, which includes snakeskin panties- which he’s currently wearing. His friend, fashion designer Don Kong (formerly Donkey Kong), calls to add his two cents as they also discuss their new diet suggestions for the hosts.

A Bad Bunch of Fatherfigures

admin — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:32:08 +0000

Barabbas McQuesinought, lawyer for both Barney the dinosaur and several Chicken MgNuggets, calls to get his clients on the phone. Two McNuggets, Duane Reade and Ninja, call. They reveal that if you flip them over they have different names and personalities; they become Maccabee and Walnut McDermott, respectively. They then all discuss how Barney has a marsupial-like pouch where he incubates McNuggets.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy calls and quickly incurs the wrath of both Gimnael, Grimace’s motorcycle-riding brother, and Piglet, who has shed the timid persona he had on the Winnie the Pooh show and now is a bloodthirsty member of Gimnael’s gang.

In this episode you’ll also hear more about the McNuggets’ take on what it’s like to be food, their rivalry with the turkey who owns the Pudgie’s Chicken food chain, and their war with Ronald, who calls to gloat how he wears slippers and thongs made of McNuggets.