-I cannot see fish, or any representation of a fish
-I am not considered attractive by Yugoslavic codes of beauty
-I cannot see inside my throat, thus dashing my dreams of becoming a gift horse.

2) “Purple rain/purple rain
Piglet’s blood/ labor pains
Money’s black/white man’s shame
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson/stares back at me/ in the clean linoleum floors/ of my kitchen”

Re: the above. Prince has been praying up the wrong tree. Recently.

Kanye West: “Funny, the same wrongs help me write the songs!”
Prince: “Stop whining and suck my uterus!”
Nietzsche: “Of course. Now, really… Why am I here?”

(cue the theme of “The Never Ending Story,” sung acapella by a Colombian drug lord’s talented but doomed wife).

3) Thomas has shared his English muffins with too many children. With each muffin eaten, he gains a delusion. He believes, for example, that umbrellas were a conspiracy designed to block rain from seeping into the skull, “God’s detergent for the cerebral cortex.”

Please donate to the high fructose corn syrup debate here:
730127007 Robert Redford’s Weight
Skull Kingdom, FL
Mmmmmbop205

4) Camillaveals (n.): statues who are afraid of the delete button and everything it represents.

PLEASE USE IN A SENTENCE

Sentence: “These camillaveals are making me horny”

Michael Jackson: “I didn’t do it!”

5) My mother gave me “Personality Grades” every three months during my youth.
A sampling from Period Two of Year Ten:

Ability to carry on entire conversations in the second person: C+

Abstract thinking about deep space: D

David Bowie impression: F

During parent-teacher conferences, my mother would lick vodka off of a mirror and yell at herself

6) The Yakluzanot Brothers (accent on the LOOZ) have challenged my great-grandfather to the
200th power (a swordfish, or, for those of you who don’t believe in evolution, Abel) and I to an “African Night Shade” contest.

Such a contest requires that you successfully get permission from an attractive woman
to pop any blackheads she may have on her face.
The hotter the woman, the more hate mail you receive from men who claim to be feminists.
And I’ll let Gonzo take the rest so as to avoid bags of hate mail being dumped
on my doorstep daily:

Gonzo: “Fine, I’ll say it you weakling. Men who write feminist literature are like all other men, except for some godforsaken reason, they have a dry pussy fetish. There, I said it. And fuck the Yakluzanot Brothers. They owe me two hundred rubies.

7) CUT TO: INT. High School Gymnasium
Gonzo is being crucified as the half time show for Grover Washington High’s semi-final
basketball game against A.C. Milan

Gonzo( on a roll): “And another thing…Jared’s father is a ghost!”
(Grover Washington’s skeleton at this point accentuates the preceding statement by
jumping off of a trampoline and performing a reverse slam dunk).

Marv Albert: “And the audience is going into hysterics…they are
canceling their New Yorker subscriptions in order to have
more money for Playstation games!”

(At this point, a mascot representing Truth orders another cranberry juice)

GONZO IS RAISED FROM THE DEAD)

In the third installment of our Gonzo followings, the present author
does this resurrection  in order to not, ultimately, punish Gonzo for his remarks, because
“Punishment is soooo passe.”
-Britney Spears’ suppressed intelligence (could compose music as well as Mozart had, if only we were already in the Age of Aquarius).

9) The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is having many problems with his new roommate,
The Lazy Kreem Filled Croissant Boy. Semen samples have confirmed that Stay Puft
has been masturbating not out of lust, but out of rage. Here’s what a hidden canary overheard at
their shared duplex:

Stay Puft: “I just don’t GET you!”
Lazy Kreem: “Let’s throw I Ching coins to find out when the sun will implode…”
Stay Puft: “Do you work!?”
Lazy Kreem (momentarily distracted by a piece of lint): “Mmmmm…the year 500 billion…”

(Further data was lost after the canary saw that a documentary about euthanasia was playing on a TV in an apartment across the way and decided to fly over)

10) Public Hair

11) Valley Girls who get STUNs are like camillaveals who can impregnate regular statues.

(written in pink on a hot pigeon’s ass): It. Just. Doesn’t. Happen.

12) The Universe doesn’t like you. Have you tried the Sorbet? The Failure Flavor should suit you and your (barely unattractive) spouse perfectly.

The man at the Pasta Factory is my Mom’s “Special Sleepover Friend,”
Doris “Diamond” RedaJ