1) The inside of a shark’s mouth holds many mysteries. For example, the 11th Commandment, the second half of the Declaration of Independence, and various Muppet x-rays were recently found in one. Another contained alternate lyrics to 1950s hit song “Yakety Yak,” as well as an abnormally intelligent sting ray. When asked why he preferred leftist politics, the sting ray made an off-color remark about the film Beetlejuice and then gave this reporter a sound beating.

The Jackson 5 Weekly newspaper said last week: “The moral of the story is that there are no morals.”

2) My ribs are made of satin. My nipples are silk worms. Compose them.

3) Scenario A: Now that my cage is built, why don’t you get into it? I will experiment on your ability to be attracted to men named Apu.

Scenario B: I am the rat and you are electricity. Let’s be romantick and drink each other’s blood.

Experiment More on Doves: For each leg hair I own, dress up a lizard as a Catholic priest and play Truth or Dare. The smaller the lizard, the more rosary bead stock you will be forced to buy….

4) Across the street from the prepubescent boy with a lemonade stand, right next to the entrance to the modeling agency that handles the Victoria’s Secret account, I set up a nifty stand of my own. The sign read: “Attention Ladies: Mustache Rides- 5 cents.” (apparently this used to work for Tom Selleck). I even drew one of the “s”‘s backwards to be cute. The ladies just gawked as they walked by…

…then I realized when I got home that I had shaved the night before.
I proceeded to weep.
Aunt Eunice: “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on! Now bring me another dwarf…”

5) I have exact replicas of Fred Savage’s hair at every age. I can put on the wigs reflecting his different eras
and wonder if he’s the type that “gets” Monica Lewinsky.

6) It’s good to find the “clitoris” of certain things. For example, the soft, golden part of a piece of pound cake on the top (always the best bite) is that piece of pound cake’s clitoris. Predictably, for many household appliances, it’s the “on” button. For most stuffed animals, it’s the belly button. Remember, the clitoris of an object isn’t always overtly sexual: it’s the object’s spiritual center. I like to think that my clitoris is my eyebrows. What do you think?

7) I get paid by the keystroke.

Dead) last in the David Bowie look-alike contest yet again!
Mr. T (while putting a gorilla in a headlock): “Is it too late to become a mime?”

9) Somehow, I became known as “The Will Smith of Korea,” without being Korean or even Will Smith. Even so, joking about being “out of the will” because I had sex with a girl of a different race/religion/sense of humor is still quite dishonorable while dining with my Korean mistress’ parents.

10) Saber-toothed parrots.

11) For my Qth birthday, I would like the red part of the light spectrum.

12) To love is divine, to err is animalistic, to automatically get semi-hard at the mere sound of a computer turning on is “problematic” (Freud, The Conflicted Socialite, pp. 16-1876). Again and again I fail to visualize world peace on “Visualize World Peace Day.” Is it possible to be successful at being a failure?

When the diamond mines are empty, start organizing the love police,
Quest “The Lucky Leprechaun” Lifechaser

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