Planet of the Grapes

1) It’s time to disembark on a dis-im-bowelulation. This is the technical term for what Freddy Krueger does with his clawed hand to some overly sexual girl in the 37th installment of “A Nightmare on Madison Avenue”-and that’s exactly what it was, for no one knew how to market it. You HAVE to start grassroots movements in church basements, nail salons, and “death sites of famous polar bears.”

P A N D A  B E A R S = T O O  O B V I O U S

2) My pet calculator recently chided me, calling  my early twenties  my “Emotional Dark Ages.” Had electricity been discovered in 1132 C.E. (A.D. is soooo 1956) we would have been flying to Jupiter mentally by now. Had I discovered the part of my brain that would have connected to my clitoris had I continued developing  as a female (note to frat boys: every fetus starts out as a female, but then Larry Flynt’s ghost intervenes), I would have been married by now. Say. La. V.

3) Saying “cheese” when you get your picture taken is like saying “weight” when you flip a light switch. The former will not change the braces and over-sized t-shirts you had when you were 11, the latter will not stop a blood-hungry Freddy Krueger, currently hiding in your closet (let’s hope he’s distracted by all the bacteria porn you hide in there- “Pre-Microscoped Images For Your Pleasure!”).

4) Critics agree: Freddy Krueger can’t be a theme, “he wouldn’t make it this obvious.”

Critics aghast: There weren’t enough clean towels at last month’s Critic’s Konvention.

Critics are assholes: See the review of the STUN List Coffee Table Book in Rolling Stone, May 12, 2012 (four stars–which by that point is one star less then the Cliff’s Notes for the Snakes on a Plane graphic novel).

5) “Where the chalk women at?”

The above is a take on the popular line from the Mel Brooks film, Blazing Saddles, “where the white women at?” Chalk is white…get it?

I had a crush on Sade when I was 5. (M/56/NYC/FAVORITE WORD: MOCCASINS) Ladies: you must have NO sense of humor…I hate completition.

6) I hear the lunch room at Conde Nast publishing (they do Cosmo and stuff) is, like, brutal…in terms of finding people who can locate Peru on a map.

7) Clown: I liked it better when you guys weren’t as socially critical.

Me: Ok…I get a lot of pre-cum, but only when I’m with a partner (lawyers suck). Is that better?

(Clown takes off mask to reveal a clock where his face should be):    4:37

9) Somehow, in the process of illegally but successfully editing a Wikipedia entry about himself, Richard Simmons found the secret to immortality. Note: the last sentence would have been less effective using Albert Einstein, but more effective using real imagination and not relying on a mere mention of Richard Simmons to “get us through this thin(g).” <———–(guess you’re not “with a partner” because you’re now clearly jerking off)

If there were a kissing technique called “throating,” what would it entail?

10) Biblically-Themed Porn

11) Yikes…is not in the dictionary. But neither is Freddie Mercury’s key lime pie recipe (a jealous Krueger forces himself to fall off of his tricycle, trying to get my attention… I always knew I’d hate fatherhood).

12) “Probably the worst STUN of his post-prison career. Look at the Paris Hilton article below and never really delve too deeply into politics”-The  NY Post

“Where he fails in execution, he fails further in superfluous mentions of Frederick Krueger.” -The New Yorker

“Where the brown, yellow and tan women at?”- a New Yorker

Ugh. Is it over?

William “The pleather suits are under the leather boots” Wishful